Judge — December 6, 1890 — page 37: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CHRISTMAS JUDGE KNOW a true story which I would like to tell by way of celebrating the holidays. Some people cele- brate by doing one startling thing, whilst others celebrate and dis guish the day by doing something 1 make ita rule on Christmas to tell a true story. It occurred many years ago on the vasty plain in the wild and all- wool West, An able and talented scallawag, whom we will call Sugarbaum of South Pasco Township, bought and billed over the Union Pacific Railway a carload of nitro-glycerine. I've forgotten whether he sent it as water- melons or rock salt, but, anyway, it was sent over under an assumed name. When it got up about Rawlins, I think, a brakeman noticed that every little while a drop of something oozed through that car and dropped on the track wsith an explosion like a torpedo when the wheel passed over it. He told the conductor, who instantly investigated it, and found, as I have stated, that ar was loaded entirely with nitro-glycerine. It was side-tracked at a little flag station, and the general officers noti- tied by wire, Mr. Kimball found out all about it, and told his men to con- tinue the side-track some distance out in the country, run the car out there gently by hand, and then bury it quite deep. This was safely done by Chinamen. When a railroad has a job like that to do, it wisely secures a gang of Chinamen, and thus the vote in the fall will not be perceptibly re- duced in case of accident. Chinamen are not orthodox, anyway, and so their death does not begin to cast the gloom over a community that the demise of other people does. * They do not know the nature of an oath, and you can get a Chinaman any time to swear to your circulation for two bits. I used to do it myself. I had a Chinaman whose soul had warts all. over it, and scars, where he had barked it in his efforts as an affidavit man. His right name was Jim Lee, but he got so he could sign else that may be unique. SANTY CLAUS, ISHT thet I wuz little naow, ter stay so fer awhile, With no botherin’ er frettin’ all the day; Fer life went purty easy when I worked fer mother’s smile, An’ the lessins didn’t last ez long ez play. Haow I useter write to Santy all the longin's of my days, While the firelight danced an’ flickered on the floor; An’ watch the letter flyin’ up the chimbly in a blaze! But Santy doesn’t hark ter me no more. 1 knowed thet Santy'd bring the things I wamted, ef\I'se good, An‘ I useter be ez chipper ez a bee; An’ I'd do my chores up lively, totin’ pails and splittin’ wood; Ther wan't no young un pleasanter then me. But naow I'm old an’ saddened, an’ when Chris’mus time is come I keep thinkin’ o' the times thet’s gone before; An’ it makes me long fer childhood an’ the dear old kentry home; Fer Santy Claus won't come to me no more! FLORENCE R, PRATT. it James Lee, and so his affidavit became very popular where he was not known, We had, in those days, an institution known as Pattee’s Lottery, which used to have a drawing every month, at which the employés, who addressed circulars, drew their salary, and the President drew the rest; but James Lee always swore he drew something. Sometimes it was the capital prize, and then again it was only a collar button; but his affidavits showed that you could hardly fail to come out ahead. Finally, one night Mr. Kimball, as he lay on his couch, got to thinking of that nitro- glycerine, and the more he thought about it, the more it worried him, or,” said he to himself, “some day some slight concussion in that neighborhood will set off that whole thing, and we will have the territory ‘of Wyoming to pay for.” So he wrote up to Garrett O'Neil, and said to him that it might be a good idea to quietly blow up the collection, and thus be done with it. Mr. O'Neil said that if Mr. Kimball knew of any way of quietly letting off a car-load of nitro-glycerine, he would be real pleased to know about it himself. Mr. Kimball then said that at any exploded, and without any fuss, if possible. “ Very likely,” he said, “it might be impos- sible to keep it from the neighbors, but let it be done with no adve: ing especially.” ‘That was what he meant. Therefore he made out a list of specially obnoxious friends he had at that time, and , asked them to come and see the sport.| Business might prevent \ him from coming, but would the gentleman addressed favor the occasion with his pres- ence and give himself up to its delirious joy ? He asked several Omaha job printers who used to publish a ‘ate he wanted to know that it was **From the Sand Hills.” (Continued on poge 37.) comicbooks.com