Judge — August 30, 1890 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE STRAUSS AN OPTIMIST. SENTENCES PASSED BY THE JUDGE. LIKES der biggest peaches on der top, THOSE. who invariably act only after “due consideration ” are those Der leedle ones all out of sight pelow ; most likely not to act at all. 1 likes der finest bictures in der shop ‘The bread of charity may be bitter to the taste and yet nourish, But All shtuck up in der vinders in a row. the soul would famish before partaking of that Dead-sea fruit given from I likes der dark-green watermelon rind the hands of charity in the guise of love. ‘Turned up, der yellow oonder oud of sight, Those who make a business of pleasure will find pleasure grown a A shtreet-barade limping teams pehind task. The sweetest joys are those slipped in between the sunset of one Und der silfer-blated harness in der light. labor-day and the sunrise of another. If we must have a passage-at-arms, a duel to the death, let it all be I likes to seen der goods along der shtreet done decently and in order. Let the weapons be keen but hidden, and let Mit awful cuts in brices on dem pinned; — any blood that flows be promptly stanched and the victim taken from It makes me laugh dot soda-fount to meet the field, Und bay fife cents a glass for shweetened Your friend may give you the key to the door of knowledge, but it will open only to the skilled effort of your own hand: the spirit of wisdom may lead you into the mountain of your desire and pledge you the king- doms lying round about, but they will come into your possession only on the condition that you first conquer them. vind. I likes to seen der ice-cream colored pink, Der butter colored yellow like der gold, Unt vhen der circus-lemonade I trink I likes to shut mein eyes unt call it cold. KATHRIN GROSJEAN. Vot's der use of going pack of der returns? Der vorlds itself vos hollow down pelow, Tut der surface off id only me concerns, Unt I'm better for dose dings I do not know Filerypody tries to show his pest outside, Unt I dank him for his effort me to blease, Unt der paint unt varnish he has used to hide Dot weather-peaten side dot nature sees. A NECESSITY. = HAD just bought a few acres in the country and proposed to set himself up as a gentleman farmer. “Well, Ethel,” he said, “I am going over to old Mossback’s: this morning to buy a cow that will give good milk “Yes, we want good milk, Charles; and we have also got to have a cow that will give good cream. A FRUITFUL TRE Guest (who has tried them)—" Why on earth don’t you cut down that old apple-tree? It’s so near the road the boys steal most of ‘em, and they're hard, sour things any w Doctor Popular (with i quiet smile) —“ pay for them at two dollars a visit.” Y THE FIRE DEPARTM WAYFARER —"* What's the trouble 7” Perey BLIv —* Buckwheat cake: WayrareR —** Buckwheat cakes?” ~ PETEY Buivens—"' Da’s whad I said. Mammy wus tossin’ some ober d’ stove en one kem down raight on ole granpop’s bald sculp.” DOING A RUSSIAN BUSINESS. Czar of all the Russias—"* Have you put the dynamite gong that rings thirty minutes beforehand under the table?” Attendant —" Ves, revered bastinadocr. Czar —"Have you fastened the alarm telling of the approach of strangers thirty miles away on cach door?” Attendant —"Yes, blessed knouter.” Car —" Have you mixed the poison-annihilator in the soup Attendant —"Yes, marvelous administrative processist.” Csar —" Have you set the ferreter of secret plots in the pocket of each one present and attached it to my napkin?” Altendant — Yes, wonderful exiler. Czar —"Have you put the electro poison- point detectives on my knives, forks, and spoons. Attendant — Yes, soul of Siberi Czar —"Have you closed the bullet-proof steel shutters Attendant —" Yes, redoubtable coward.” Czar —"Have you examined the last batch of Centuries with the quadruple binocular treason- detective and removed all but the covers before distributing them?” Attendant —*Yes, adoring worshiper of Kennan.” hen taste lavishly of each dish before you; if you live | will partake of a few mouthfuls in the midst of prayers and trembling. PRAISE INDEED. Father —*V tell you, young man, it is pretty hard for a father to see his daughter leave home and take up life’s burdens with a young man, Young man-—" Well, Emily is an especially good gir SOME FAMILIAR AMERICAN EXPRESSIONS Father —“ Good! Why, sir, she’s worth her weight in ice, comicbooks.com