Judge — February 15, 1890 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

NO WONDER, THE conversation had turned on the healthfulness of two localitie: In our village,” said one, “ we don’t average over a death a y “Why, that's a terrible mortality,” replied the other; “in our town we only had one death in five years, and that was the doctor.” Couldn't he cure himself “No, poor man; he died of starvation.” AMONG THE BLASPHEMERS. Friend —\ understand that you have made a good many converts during the past year, Mr. Thumper.” Misstonary— Yes, sir; | have labored among the blasphemers with good success.” ‘ Friend (ball an hour later) —"By the way, Spriggs, you know Thumper. Where has he been for the last year?” Spriggs—*In a parrot store on Broadway.” WOULD NOT BE CONSOLED. —'*You'll come out all right, old man, A simple boil never kills.” pettishly)—"* Yes, it does.” Derwson What 2?” SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. WEALTH does not bring happiness—nor poverty either. With old women the fondness for biting survives the teeth. There are in this world three things without any bow- cls of compassion —fire, the weather, and —a fool's venge- ance. THREE FOR A QUARTER. TO PROVE your love to your beloved, The valentine's a poor way ; Especially the one that’s shoved Veneath: the old maid's doorway. THE TARDY VALENTINE. = I received nothing from Charley. Sach nee : AN UNCONSCIOUS ASSISTANT. ENTERPRISING STREET-IAWKER (iho has found Restful Billings asleep) —" That orter fetch trade.” GEORGE WASHINGTON AND SAINT VALENTINE, A COMPOSITE BIOGRAPHY, at excitement in the office of the Middleport Dadly Diffuser when their weekly edition went to press, and on this particular occasion there was more rumpus than usual when the devil poked his head in and remarked that half a column of matter was needed to fill the form. “Mr. Smith,” called the editor to a poor, tired-looking reporter, “1 want a half- column of stuff—let me see—yesterday was St. Valentine's day and Washington's birthday is next week; so you might write a short sketch of each and send it up-stairs to the printer when finished. I'm going home now.” Poor Smith sighed dismally. He had just returned from a big dinner which he had been ordered to report, and the cigars and other viands had made his head ache most dreadfully. But he took down the cyclopadia and went manfully to work. Be- fore very long he had evolved a most original composition, and sending the copy to the printer he fell asleep in his chair with his aching head resting on the desk before him. The next morning the editor sat down to breakfast and opened the Weekly Di Juser. He skipped lightly over the “ poets’ corner ” and “answers to correspondents, and was about to turn the pare when his eye fell upon the following title, and he read the article with a feeling of horror. It was Smith's midnight contribution and read thus: THE VALENTINE OF OUR COUNTRY. “George Washington was born February 14th under Claudius II, at Rome; some say under Aurelian in 271, At the early age of eighteen he visited the Indian country as a surveyor. When Valentine had invested Boston in 1775 Saint Washington was called to the bishopric of the American armies and was elected president of the United States in 1789, when Virginia went Republican for the first time on record. Owing to the martyrdom of Valentine he was canonized by one of the early popes. In the mid- dle ages it was the habit for young gallants to awaken their love on that day by singing eneath their windows at the break of d “* Sweethearte faire, be mine On this day of Sainte Washington.’ “ After his celebrated crossing of the Delaware the history of the good saint is little PROGNOSTICATION. known, but he is recognized by the government of the United States as-an important — 5 aeegen Cae factor in swelling the postal reccipts of this country. ‘The wines were excellent.” mT IW ole braseeh Gove Wi ce anne ae ve!” exclaimed the editor as he finished reading, “I had forgotten that I. prophet, that's all. Smith was at the dinner.” ream comicbooks.com