Judge — 1889 — page 33: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

BEST THINGS FROM en aed O LYLION. ALACK the day ! upon a time, not many years ago Within the was born, /* He kicked and grew (as babies will) until one summer day He found himself just twenty years upon life's stormy way. y of New York a little Smith And then began his troubles dire. He loved a little maid Who would not marry hi name is Smith,” she said; “Ido believe one half mankind bear that same appellation, And though I love you, John, I must refuse your application.” because “ Your The legislature would not change his name for such a whim. “Tis good enough for us,” they said, and good enough for hin You see it happened—strange to say—they all were burdened with The self same name—that ancient name, the myriad name of Smith. He vowed to travel far away to climes unknown before, And Haggard-like explore their depths in search of fame and gore. To many foreign lands he went, but whereso’er he came He found some former voyager had carried there his name, The dry-goods clerks in every land, the sailorson the ships, When asked to tell their names they formed his name between their lips. The merchants and the doctors, the nobles—yes, the kings, Pronounced the magic name of Smith with varied mutterings. A sadder and a weary man, he sought his native shores, But scarcely had he put his foot on Castle Garden floors When waiti for him stood the maid he loved so long ago ; She started back, then cried aloud in tones full-fraught with woe: “Ifyou had waited but one day I might have been your wife, But just a year ago, dear John, I tied myself for life.” “What is your name ?” John frantic cried—* this is a cruel myth;” With downcast eyes she answered low, ** My name—my name—is Smith.” Five minutes later John was carried homeward in a’hack, just five minutes after he lay dead upon his back. ‘The mourners at his grave were few—he was unknown to fame 5 But on his tomb in bold relief they cut, Smith was his name. LOGICAL. Two friends are conversing. “know of nothing more disagreeable than a man who never has any money about him.” “Quite true, because one can never borrow anything of him.” A LUCKY NUMBER. Banoony (3 @.m.)—"* Ver’ much 'bliged, old boy, for offer of a bunk; but howjer know this is Tight house? Numbersh keep zigzagin’ all ‘round me /” Fizzix -* Thatsh all right. My place ’s number 69, ye know, an’ y’ can’t turn those figgersh upside down.” tant th’ agle wid tht mumps A WISE MEDICINE MAN, Dr. Enpoxiz— Dat chile 0” yours am lookin’ poo'ly, Mrs. Yallerby. What's he done gone an’ swallowed this time ? Mrs. Y RBY—‘* A bit ob lead-pencil, docto’.” Dr. Essoste—‘*H'm! What he wants now,ma’am, am an erasive remedy. I recommend him ter chew a piece ob Indjy-rubber halfan hour afore each meal.” PROVIDING AGAINST CONTINGENCIES, ‘The valet of a well-known man about town habit of getting terribly “loaded.” “‘But supposing you were to be found in the street in such a condition?” asked his master when the culprit) was “sobering up” after an unusually prolonged ‘bender. Never fear for me, sir,” was the audacious reply. “1 keep a few of your visiting cards in my pocket in case of accident.” in the ays SAD ENOUGH. Sur— Davesa, T spoke hastily ; forgive me ; do not turn away and leave me without a word. Forgive me, I entreat, and make some allow. ance for a woman's jealous outbreak !* He—Donna Inéz, a Castilian never breaks his oath comicbooks.com