Judge — September 21, 1889 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE 583 THE DOG-PROMISER. LIVER is an old friend of my family, and I expected better things of him; but he has been in the hope-exciting busi- ness so long that he can’t help himself out, and I really haven't the time. My especial dog-promiser came to my house on a college-chum visit just a year ago. He seemed pleased with my menage and environment, but objected strenuously to my dog. “You don't want the death-mask of a dog,” he said; “ you ought to have a real thoroughbred to match the rest of the estate, and I know just where I can get you one: My friend Morcann of Hempstead is going to Europe, and he asked me the other day if 1 knew of a good, quiet, conscientious family where the animal could be taken in, and, while not placed exactly on an equality with the children could be sure of at least the neck of the Sunday chicken, and anything short of a hammock to sleep I broke in here and told him that, while I had often entertained dogs, I never boarded one, and asked him if this special one had any brothers who would not feel insulted and hurt if somebody absolutely gave them away. He said he would see, and that was the last of it until his next visit, about three months afterward. As we sat under the dense shade of an India-rubber tree at the back of the house my regular dog, Paul, whisked by with a cat after him. Paul always keeps at the head of the procession when cats parade, as he is eccentric enough to want also to keep his remaining ear unshredded. “ By the way, remarked my dog-promiser, as Paul got cornered and lost all his whiskers on one side, “I spoke to you about one of Morcann’s dogs a day or two ago, and I'm sorry you didn’t take him. He sent him to Billy Evelyn, up at Tuxedo, and he's just died of consumption, Morcann has entered suit against Evelyn for his value, and there's a nasty time all around, as the two men were in training for the front and hind legs respectively of the giraffe at Mrs. St. Savor's amateur menagerie this fall. But never mind; I've found you the finest mastiff that stands on four legs. He’s a grandson of Minting, thirty-eight inches high on the shoulder, and can trot—I mean his coat is as soft as sealskin. I've made arrangements to send him up to you this week, along with a Belmonte- strain fox terrier that has taken seven prizes and the town at Madison square. Look out for them when they come.” I did, and had my man at the station every day for three months longer waiting to give those dogs a true country welcome. Finally the man got care- less and skipped a morning visit, and that afternoon a crate came containing two white rats with a C.0. D, charge of seven dollars on them. ‘The following mail brought an explanatory note from my dog-promiser, who said that he had secured a bull terrier that wore a medal on his breast for having killed an escaped tiger at Bridgeport, and that if I would invite a few friends, and rig a pit for the next Sabbath p.m., he would bring him up and we would have some sport with the rats, As I write this Paul rubs off about half his hair against my knees, but I pat him and say, “ Never mind, dear old boy; you're honest.” WHEN JUDGES NOD. LONG-WINDED lawyer was arguing a case “in bane,” when, seeing that ‘one of the judges had fallen asleep, he suddenly stopped. “[ shall wait,” he said, addressing the presiding judge with much dignity, “until your associate has finished his nap.” “Oh, you needn't wait for that,” was the disconcerting reply; “he's sure not to wake up until you're quite done, counselor.” WANTED IT CUT OUT. Seedy individual —"Ate you the man who cuts things out for the paper ?” Exchange-editor —" Ves.” Seedy individual — Well, your paper published a personal about me to day, and I'd like to have it cut out.” : exchange-editor —" In the personal column ?” S wokyng im ome Seedy individual (disgusted) —" No; i ice." SOME TERMS IN ART. TWO OF A KIND, ‘THE BROTHER who testitied to the effect that he had doybted the existence of a hell till convinced of its re- ality by a blessed experience was matched by one other who prayed, “O Lord, make this room so hot that the devil can’t stay here! TRULY A SAD ENDING. Emeline—" Nave you heard how Jennie’s marriage turned out?” Agnes—" No; he was a foreign nobleman, wasn’t he?” Emeline —* He pretended to be; but he Jgnes—"And so she was deceived, poor girl Emeline —" Yes; horribly deceived. He proved to be nothing but a rich American.” HOLMES'S 80TH BIRTHDAY. AUGUST a9TH, 1889, ET Brown-Sequard sry what he will, His life-elixir is not new ; We use it here in Boston still— Have tried it and have found it true. Its discoverer, tell whoever roams, =. ; Was Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes. Sce him, as man of mind and mirth, A KEDGE-ANCHOR. He celebrates his happy birth. Mr. GaspHanp—'*'Xcuse me fer gruntin’, Iehdies, but d? tide runs so mitey strong He's forty years of age to-day, heah I kin jess mek d’ boat move.”* Though eighty the kalendars say, aiabseve, comicbooks.com