Judge — August 24, 1889 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE THE DRUMMER ABROAD. “Till tell you what T saw in Manchester, England,” said a Michigander who lately returned from a trip abroad. ‘On the hotel register I found the name of Sidney Smith, U.S. A., ambassador to England nd France and S.’P, D, to the czar of Russia.” It was a puzzle to me and I'smelt a mouse, but I waited to see him before giving anything away.” After a few hours he called at my room, Then I found him to be an ex- drummer for a Chicago crockery house. He had saved up a few hundred and was making the tour, “What induced you to register as you did ?' I asked er a bit, “Simply to receive the respect and consideration due me," he replied. “** Does it cheapen your bills ? No, not to any extent ; but it gives me the best for my money, and I have free carriage-rides and many tions out to dine, Man who registers over here as or Brown gets only common. I'm off for France next week, and shall register there as ** Special envoy of the American congress and jim-dandy repre- sentative of 70,000,000 Americans.” I'll get quail on toast when you fellows have only bacon, Well, so long. I'm off to dinner with a big manufacturer, and to-mor- row I'm to ride out with an M, P, and a duke, Take my advice and hitch on a title. af When Raby was sick, we gare her Castorta, When she was a Child, she cried for Castoria. When she became Miss, she clung to Castoria, When she had Children, she gave them Castoria, Small boy—"*Pa, what is the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?” Pa—'* Well, let me see if Yan illustrate. You know I'm often discouraged, and things don't look to me as if they'd ever go right. Well, at such times I can be said to be a pessimist. But years ago when I was a young man everything looked bright and rosy, and I was always hopeful. Then I was an optimist. Now, my son, can you understand the differ- ence between apes: and an optimist?" Smad toy—" Oh, yes ; one is married and the other isn’t. York W Veekls To tone up the system and stimulate the appetite, take Angostura Bitters. Dr. J. G. B, Siegert X Sons, sole manufacturers, At all druggists. A FORTUNE IN PROSPECT. iliowe (gloomily)—"* What did the old man leave me?” Nothing. Worse than nothing. A tract of land in the backwoods, with nothing on it but some springs so bad that the cattle drinking the water take fits.” Old Levellehead —" Shortsighted boy ! “There's a fort- une in that farm, Put up a big hotel, advertise the water as ‘Hygeia’s Own Life-giving Liquid’ and you will die a rich man," —Bulletin, oung A youth—the subject of the rhyme— Spent all his strength in killing time. As years rolled on—the truth ts grim— ‘Time took his turn and slaughtered him. Merchant Traveler. HAVE YOU A CAMERA? E. &H.T. ANTHONY & Co, BOL Broadway, - - NEW YORE, AF NOT, CALL ON Manufacturers and Importers of PHOTOGRAPHIC Instruments, APPARATUS AND SUPPLIES. Detective and View Cameras in Great Variety. Books of Instruction, All the latest Novelties, Amateur outhits in great variety, from §9 upwards, Send for catalogue, or call and examine. More than Fowry= ars established in this line of busi- Of delivery at any railroad ‘st of Rocky Mountains, Send for trated catalogue, M. CLEMENTS, CINCIN: Fatablished 188, AGENTS. In many cities and towns agents re wanted to sell th lements Safe to husiness and profeo: sional men, farmers & private fatnillen, gélina HER FRIEND, Maric has lovers half a scote, She wears them as she does her gloves ; One pair when driving on the shore, Another for the modest loves Of country lanes, ‘mid flowers and dew (A whirl that never seems to end)— And yet, all seriously and true, I much prefer to be her friend! When tired of Charley's tennis talk, ‘And wearied quite with George's drawl; When sated with the moonlight walk After the ennui of a ball— Ah, then she takes my arm in hers, ‘And L to her rare moods attend, Beneath the pines and junipers— And still I'd rather be her friend! Ter soul is like an open book, Wherein the purest thoughts I read ; No strangers ‘tween its covers look, Or, glimpsing, feel no anxious need. ‘The utmost trust she asks of me, “That trust where two twin natures blend ; My comrades woo right gallantly— But I would rather be her friend! We read for hours in quiet nooks, ‘The few deep authors of our choice ; Somehow, the music of the brooks Is not'so sweet as her low voice— And while the breakers strike the beach ‘And over, under, curve and bend, Her heart my heart doth truly teach, Until—but I must be her friend! Sometimes the thought will daring rise, When touch of hand has thrilled me through, And in her tender girlish eyes One sees the heavens reflected blue— What would I do if she some day Her wedding cards to me should send— T could not truly, frankly say: s better just to be her friend! —William Haskell Simpson in Chicago Net Mrs, Wixstow's SooTiinc Syrup for Children Teething ; soothes the child, softens the gums, allays all pain, cures wind colic and diarrhoca, 25 cents a bottle. THE DOCTOR. Oh, doctor, in our hours of ease, We scorn your counsel as we please ; When peach and watermelon green ‘The bosom wring with anguish keen ; When in the night the hoarse ** ka-whoop" Rouses the house with fear of croup ; When midst the storm that rends the skies ** Newralagy ” tackles grandma's eyes ; When roaring thunder-clouds low hung, Retard the play of ma’s left lun When wintry drifts the roads impede, And baby’s nose begins to bleed ; When hub-deep mud clogs all the way And Tommy's earache comes to stay Whene’er the least of human ills Clamors for poultices or pills, Come right away—no matter how— A ministering angel thou. All aches and pains are cured by you 's tick-dollar-Iowe-you. —Burdette, BERTON "SEC" CHAMPAGNE. Case one dozen bottles, $30.00, net. half-bottles, $32.00, net. Case two dozen cquire an elastic tread merely by wearing ~Terre Haute Express. You can't rubber shoes.. Angelina—"T thought you were on such terms with Amelia Jones and Arabella Brown.” Anas- tasia—""Vou are mistaken; we never speak.” An- I thought you lived in different fats in’ the ‘same building.” “Anastasia —"'So we do, and that's the cause of our quarrel. Nearly every night this sum- mer we have had a party of young men come and sing under my window, and those conceited creatures think it was intended for them." —America, friendly Fond mére—*Vou are fully prepared to enjoy your- self at the picnic?” Prudent daughter —"* Ves, indeed, 1 have two umbrellas, waterproof, and overshoes, and Charley has two lovely new life-preservers, Bulletin, Drug clerks ought to have good salaries. “The man who hurts his conscience 1,000 times a day by saying, We do not keep it, but we have a preparation put up ourselves that is better,” should be well paid.— Aer Orleans Picayun “There is always room at the top, And Lam very glad it is so; For I've found in this life of worry and strife ‘That it's dreadfully crowded below, —Rosto they say, Courier, We have fitted up over office buildings with U.S, Mail Chutes and the Postal Collee- fioa ‘Service is extended 3 them, "Dosiness men need the Tal “facies ‘which this ives, Sole makery, ra PTUER MF'G CO., Pafd, — Rocusstar, N.Y, YOUMANS CELEBRATED HATS. 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