Judge — August 17, 1889 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE 307 MARRIAGE IS A PAILUR: When there is too much latch-key. When dinner is not ready at dinner-time. ‘When either of the parties marry for money. When the watchword is, ** Each for himself.” When neither husband nor wife takes a vacation, When children are obliged to clamor for their rights. When the vacations are taken by one side of the house only When **he™ the fire. When the children are given the neck and the back of the chicken. When a man attempts to’ tell his wife what style of bonnet she must wear, When one of the parties engages in a business that is not approved by the other. When a man's Christmas presents to his wife consist of bootjacks, shirts, and gloves for himself. When politeness, fine manners, and kindly attentions are reserved for company or visits abroad. When the lord of creation pays more for cigars than his better half does for hosiery, boots, and bonnets. When the money that should go for a book goes for what only one side of the house knows anything about. When both parties persist in arguing over a subject upon which they never have and never can think alike. When father” takes half of the pie and leaves the other half for the one that made it and her eight chil- dren.— Springfield Union. snores the loudest while ‘* she” kindles | When Baby was sick, we cave her Castoria, When she was a Child, she cried for Castoria. When she became Miss, she cling to Castoria ‘When ehe had Children, she gave them Castoria, Husband" Wife, the doctor said I was to have but ‘one ounce of liquor per day. How much is an ounce, dear?" Wife—"Sixteen drams.” Husband —" Wile, Tbelieve that doctor understands my case thoroughly Let's see: I've eleven more drinks due me yet to-day —Troy Press. Lamenting over the fact that the cockroach, the news- paper man's enemy, is said by scientists to have three hundred teeth, the Minneapolis 7ribune says, bitterly, “And yet he insists upon eating nice, soft paste and se- lected miscellany, when he might as well stay out in the barn and eat corn.”"— Trey Press. If you suffer from looseness of bowels or fever and ague, Angostura Bitters will cure you. Dr. J gert & Sons, sole manufacturers, Ask your druggist. CARL PRETZEL'S PHILOSOPHY. Der yooth vas der mornin’ of life, but id vas der fel- ler dot shtops pooty late out mit der boys. Der fool looks der glass in und sees himself. glass dooks der reflection in, und says, you v: neider. Der leedle shmall voice of der konscience did shpoke so loud we don'd can mistook it. It vas oxcrootionately funny once how gwick poverty can ofertook a lazy feller. Der 'a fool, “DANDRUFF is the most frequent cause of prema~ ture BALDNESS. “ITCHING ispeace-de- stroying and exhausting to the vital powers, and breeds pro- fanity.”” SCRATCHING islike paying a debt with a note. SHAMPOOING with PACKER’S TAR SOAP in, healthful rritations of the skin isa hygienic luxury, promoting a clear, smooth scalp, and vigorous hair, Invaluable for \cident to summer. 2B cents, Druggists. Sample ( cake), cents, stampa. . Mention Jupex. THE PACKER MFG. CO., 100 Fultow 8t., N. aerate) and ELEGANT. by Leading Dealers. uta galely by WM. BARKER, Troy, N.Y. His heart was broken. He was a man who knew not how to resist temptation, and on a recent evening he ventured into a church fair. Bewilderingly pretty girls in white dresses and possessing an intuition which en- abled them to detect the soft-sided man at a glance sized him up, and then went over and took quarters, halves, and dollars out of him. He had his week's sa ary when he went there. He had a doll-baby, a hem- stitched apron, three pairs of groggy suspenders,.a bot- tle of weak hair-oil, and a debt of three dollars to pay when he departed. ' Sweet is charity.—Auffalo Express. Mrs, Winstow’s SooTuina Syrup for Children Teething ; soothes the child, softens the gums, allays all pain, cures wind colic and diarrhea, "25 cents a bottle, THE V-A-S-E. From the madding crowd they stood apart, ‘The maidens four and the Work of Art; And none might tell from sight alone In which had Culture ripest grown— The Gotham Million fair to see, ‘The Philadelphia Pedigree, ‘The Roston Mind of Azure hue, Or the soulful Soul from Kalamazoo— For all loved Art in a seemly way, With an earnest soul and a capital A, Long they worshiped ; but no one broke “The Sacred stillness until up spoke ‘The Western one from the nameless place, Who blushing said, "* What a lovely vace Over three faces a sad smile flew, And they edged away from Kalamazoo, Tut Gotham’s haughty soul was stirred To crush the stranger with one small word, ing reproof in praise, “ris, indeed, a lovely vaze !" Rut brief her unworthy triumph when ‘The lofty one from the home of Penn, With the e Exelaims, inscinusness of two grandpapas, It iy quite a lovely vahs !" And glances round with an anxious thrill, Awaiting the word of Beacon Hill, But the Boston maid smiles courteouslee, And gently murmurs, ** Oh, pardon me! *T did not catch your remark, because Twas so entranced with that charming Dies erit praelida Sinistra quum Bostoni mes Jeffres vocke, BERTON “SEC” CHAMPAGNE. Case one dozen bottles, $30.00, net. half-bottles, $32.00, net. Case two dozen One who has suffered says: "A bumble-bee is neither a scorpion nor a tarantula, but isan unhappy mean be- tween these two extremes.” It never impressed us in this way. On the contrary, the reverse. ‘The bumble- bee's unhappy extreme is its most painful remembrance. Don Tiatt relinquishes the editorship of Belford's Magazine, because, as he says, "I prefer the quiet life ‘on my farm in Ohio to that of a great, crowded com- mercial center, where every man carries in his counte- nance the expression of a protested note, aggravated by dyspepsia. YOUMANS CELEBRATED HATS. Style and Quality Unequaled. 180—719—1107 Broadway. It is announced that Lord Tennyson has been com- manded to write a for the coming wedding of the Farl of Fife and the Princess Louise. " Fortunately for the poet he can find lots of words to rhyme with Fife— such as wife, life, strife, knife—which are frequently mixed up with matrimony ; but he will be apt to get stuck on rhymes for ‘* Louise,” unless sneeze, breeze, seize, squeeze, and the like are permissible. town Herald, The Kodak. “Vou press the button, we do the rest.” THE ONLY CAMERA THAT ANYBODY CAN USE WITHOUT IN- STRUCTION. PRICE, $26.00. Loaded for 100 Pictures, For sale by all Photo. Stock Dealers. Send for copy of Kodak Pi photograph. er, with sample THE CELEBRATED i i ! PIAWos Are at present the Most Popular and Preferred by Leading Artists, Warerooms, 149, 151, 153, 155 East 14th St, N.Y. 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