Judge — August 10, 1889 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE THE DAKOTA TRUTH-TELLER. If George Was! would never have gone into history as the-man-who- Goaldn'tclleclic. ‘The subjoined describes « Dakota man who tried to tell the truth, “Yes, I'm from Dakota,” he said, meckly, as he got into conversation with a man on an eastern train, “Ah, is that so? I'm thinking of going out there If, to invest in some farming land.” Ve have some very fine land, T understand. “But are not some of the stories they tell of its fertility exaggerated 2” “Why, my friend, I am sorry to say some of them are downright untruths,” “That's what I thought. Now, what is the most re- markable instance of the fertility of Dakota soil that ever came under your observation ?” “Well, I believe the case of my pump might go at the head of the list.” “* What was it “'Tdug a well about forty feet deep the first season I was there, and put down a wooden pump. It happened that it was made of a small cottonwood log which was a little green, and the soil at the bottom of the well, fory feet {rom the surface, was so fertile that the pump too! root, and it also grew and branched out; and now, while my children play in a swing attached to one of the branches, I pump water through the hole which still re- mains in the trun **Do you tell that for the truth ?* “Why, certainly, sir; I never tell anything but the fe you engaged in farming, or the real-estate busi- ness?” “Why, Tam engaged in neither, my friend, neither Tam a preacher.” I went out there as a missionary seven years ago, and though my work was humble, [ trust it had a beneficial influence on our people."—£ x, When Baby was sick, wo gare her Castoria. When she was a Child, she cried for Castoria, When she became Miss, she clung to Castoria, When she had Children, she gave them Castoria ALWAYS AT HOME. Coroner Tom Blackman, when summoned to hold an inquest on the dead body of ‘Red-headed Perkins,” the gambler who committed suicide two weeks ago, was so befuddled with poor whisky that he acted like a fool. We had to step in and do the business for him, and be- cause the Kicker gave him some good advice issue he is now blowing around that he has camped on our trail and means to have our life. Rats! If Tom Blackman wants our scalp let_him come for it. We are always at home the whole twenty- four hours through, and we believe that we can take good care of ourself, He can come with shotgun or tomahawk—day or night—alone or in company. We shall do our best to drop him before he does us, and in case we-are asked to hold the inquest on him it sha'n't cost the county a cent, We'll do even better—we'll give him as fine an obituary notice as would cost him one hundred dollars in Chicago.— The Arizona Kicker, No well-regulated household should be without An- gostura Hitters, the celebrated appetizer. Manufactured by Dr. J. G. B, Si Son: k your druggist. CARL PRETZEL'S PHILOSOPHY. Der vorldt vas owe efery feller a lifin', but dhere vas not much many dot vill said he vas been paid in full alreadty. Liberty vas hafe a goot many friends on ackound she vas der dhrue friend of labor. It vas oxceedingly a vaste of time to make friends dot you dink pooty qwick it vas besser to forget. Der tuyfel don'd nefer tempt der boys. boys dot makes foolishness mit him, It vas der General R. C. Schenck called on the president the other day. As the president's salary is only $50,000 a year, and as a novice at the game {a likely 16 bet wildly ‘on a small pair, the results of that visit will be awaited with apprebension.—Chicago News. COMFORTABLE and ELEGANT. For Sale by Leading Dealers. Wa Solely by WM. BARKER, Troy, N.Y. gton had been born in Dakota he | JAMES AND WILLIAM, iam Nye traveled the coun- try over, A-lecturing’ and cracking jokes, and wading deep in clover, "Tis said that Riley’s face would was into a brond-guuge smirk And, taking fri in tow, would buzz a hotel-clerk, And with a twinkling and a winkling, and a twisting of his eye, Would say, Bill 'n' Then William with his driest smile—indicative of humor— Would say that Riley wasn't big enough to make a rumor ; "Twas not because this was a joke that William prized it highly, But because he knew it always serv Whitcomb Rile; We want the best room you can give to to make James Oil City Blizzard, Mrs, Wixstow's SootHtnc Syrup for Children ‘Teething ; soothes the child, softens the gums, allays all pain, cures wind colic and diarrhoea, 25 cents a bottle, THE ALLIGATOR WOULDN'T EAT. Had great fun the other evening,” said a young man, ‘Called on a young-lady friend of mine, and found she had just received a little bit of an alligator from a friend in Florida. The young lady was terribly worried about the little saurian—afraid it would die, and all that. Well, I knew that you couldn't kill the reptile, but I didn’t say so; I encouraged the young lady to worry and feel bad. “Tt wants eggs,’ I said ; ‘that’s what it wants—raw nd you had better hurry up and give it som the had put the beast in the basket. I took it up and said: “Why haven't you got some cotton in here for it to sleep on? **She looked scared, and said, *Cotton 7” ‘ Yes, cotton,’ I said, She’ was mightily alarmed, and hustled around and found a roll of cotton which she loaded into the basket, ‘Then she got a saucer and a couple of eggs and broke ‘em and put ‘em under the alligator’s nose. “"They must be beaten and made frothy,’ I told her. “So she did that, But it wouldn't eat any more than before, of course. I flopped the little beast over into the egg and smeared it all over with the batter, and it got so scared that it jumped around in the cotton and got tangled up. You know egg-paste is great stuff for ing. “Then I told her to take the cotton out ; that the alligator wouldn't sleep till it had eaten, “Then Thad her fix up a dish of pulverized sugar and cream, and bring some new radishes and some peach Preserves and some olives and little onions and cheese. “All this time the poor girl was worrying dreadfully, and two or three times when the beast let the curtains down over its eyes she thought it was dying. | Tut she never suspected that I was making game of her till I told her at last that she couldn't Kill the alligator with an ax, and that all it would need to eat for a while would be a dish of water and a lot of pebbles and dirt. ‘Then she chased me out of the house with her brother's big horn-handled cane, and I haven't dared to go back yet."—Chicago Mail. BERTON “SEC” CHAMPAGNE, Case one dozen bottles, $30.00, net, half-bottles, $32.00, net. Case two dozen “Mr. Smith,” said the electric-light manager to his foreman, ** we want some men to testify to the absolute harmlessness of the electric-light current as used by us. You might send Roberts"—— Foreman —" He was killed while fixing a wire last night, sir.” ‘* Well, Jack- son will do then,” ‘* He accidentally grounded a wrong wire last week, and is scarcely expected to live, sir.” “Such awkwardness! Send Williams.” ‘Sorry, sir, ralyzed while fixing an electric lamp on “Really! .It’s most annoying. Employ some new men at once, and send them to testify to the ittee before they have time to get themselves Boston Post. A NEWSPAPER CLIPPING. ‘Twas a clipping from the paper, Telling of some funny caper On the stagi So I read it, every letter, Saying that'I'd seen no better For an age. Then I turned the clipping over, With no purpose to discover What was there ; But in smiling contemplation Of the humorist’s creation, Rich and rare. As I looked I know I started, And the smile from lip departed, For I saw, Printed there in uncut column, Notices of death, sad, solemn, Full of awe. So, I thought, come grief and pleasure For the tear is smile's unfailing Other half. —Columbus Dispatch. YOUMANS CELEBRATED HATS. Style and Quality Unequaled. 180—719—1107 Broadway. THE CELEBRATED SORMER ie ate ‘Are at present the Most Popalar and Preferred by Leading Artists, Warerooms, 149, 151, 153, 155 East 14th St, W.Y. SOHMER & CO., Purcapecenta, Pa., 1318 Chestnut Street ; Cuicaco, Tht., 236 State Street ; San Francisco, Cat., Union ‘Club Building: Sr. Lovts, Mo., 1522 Olive Street; Kansas City, Mo., 1123 Main St. CHERRY BLO Ha.the Riad Geert of Gusti, Gow», Durrant On Jan. 2, Met ae it Gourd Kepuots Durrant trom tatnacing Ma joke Guenell& Gore Megilered Trace Mark CHEMIY BUO=SOM PREMIERE QUALITE, OUR NEW CIGARETTE. As the result of long labor and careful study we have this superb Cigarette to offer. It cannot be sur Is a novelty, unique, chaste, ata purity of xcellence, and d dainty. It is from the highest cost Virginia and North Carolina leaf. THE FINEST SMOKING MIXTURES ARE OF OUR MANUFACTURE. 15 First Prize Medale. WM. 8, KIMBALL & CO., Rochester, N.Y: comicbooks.com