Judge — January 12, 1889 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE HIS AFFLICTION. ‘YOU ain't lookin’ quite 's well as usual,” remarked the village doctor as he met Unele Bill Merritt coming down the village street. . doc ; I'm feelin’ kinder pindlin’ like sence I met with thet thar accident,” was the re- ply. “Ain't heered on it? Waal, Iswow it takes things a pow’ful long time ter git circ'lated round this town, Ain't heard on it? Why, doc, I'm nigh ‘bout dead. Yer see it wuz this way. My woman, she says ter me las’ Sab- bath evenin’,* Wil she says, ‘you've got ter git up peart early, an’ pes! some runt perta- ters fer the hogs. ‘F you want roast- pork an’ apple-sass. fer New-year's you've got ter keep them animiles fed,” she says. “Waal, I hopped out 'r bed Monday mornin’, ‘bout four o’clock—darker ‘n Tophet, doe—went down in th’ livin'-room, felt ‘round fer a match an’ not findin’ one went down cellar, trusting ter luck.” “ Fell down stairs?” asked the doctor. Xo; I got th’ pertaters all right an’ come up safe. M gits mad ‘f 1 muss things up, so I onlocked th’ back door an’ steppin’ out took a seat on th’ milk-bench on th’ porch. As I set down I took notice that th’ seat wuz kinder damp like, an’ all of a suddent it flashed acrost me that Mary ‘d been a-paintin’ things th’ Saterday afore bench wuz one o” th’ things she'd t 1, “Bill, you might’s well die fer a goose ez a goslin’, an’ as long as you're in the stew you might jest ez well stay thar,’ an’, doc, I did stay thar till daylight, a-settin’ on that air bench a-peelin’ pertaters. When she allus “You probably got off the bench and went into the house.” “Got off'n the bench? You jest bet your suspenders I did, an’ blamed lively too! Why, doc, what I'd been a-settin’ on, in room of bein’ paint, wuz hoar frost, an’ it struck in, an’ “f you know anybody who wants a yard ‘r two of fust-class rheummytism send ‘mt’ me an’ I'll measure it off fer ‘m free-gratis-fer nothin an’ an ile-paintin’ thrown in. POINTS ABOUT PROMINENT PERSONS. DISON never used the vulgar “hello.” E Nelsot s first words were “ Boo-00-00. Daniel Webster never swore unless he mad. Noah Webster never learned how to spell blizzard. Napoleon had corn on the third toe of his left foot. Boss Tweed was quite retiring toward the close of his life, Frederick the Grate was not a member of a coal syndica or Andre's last words were, “ Die with your boots on. Aaron Burr was never known to ride a horse when he Abraham Lincoln aly s chewed his meat with his own t alked, th, Grover Cleveland never spelled Destiny with a capital ¢ after 188: Shakespeare was not a two brute.” Macaulay wrote his * right hand, Bill Nye always wore his coat-sleeve wm. day and forever. Lay ‘arts never w vegetarian, for he says emphatically s of Ancient Rome” with his pen held in hi raven tresses in luxuriant ringlets over his ‘ore the same hat but once—vesterday, to- Benjamin Franklin didn’t know enough to go in when it rained, but staid out to fly his kite. The duke of Wellington cats sang at night he'd water Alexander Selkirk never entire stay on the “ Mor Christopher Columb was so fond of Waterloo that whenever the ‘low them all. disputed with his mother-in-law during his ch of all I survey. was an economical market gardener, for when he saw the greens floating toward them from the land he told his mutinous crew he'd take no more’sass that trip, for the Indians were exporting theirs. AT A WESTERN PARTY. He—" Have you been d: She (from Cincinnati) —" I dote on more than all else it jancing much, Miss Porcine ?” Yes, indeed! I think if there is one thing is shaking my hoof.” NOT ONE OF HER HABITS. Sunday-school teache gate with any young ma Jennie Sunday-school te Jennie— No, ma'am day.” cher— A DEMONSTRATED LESSON. Proressor Pupmark (explaining the 200 to his class of young ladies)—"* 1 want you to particularly notice the wonderful hands of the chimpanzee. ‘They are almost human.” Jennie, I hope you don’t hang over the am.” lad to hear you down the fence da ‘Tue. cimpazer (lo himself)—"* Pat it there, prof. !" “comicbooks.com