Judge — 1888 — page 60: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

58 NATURAL GAS FROM JUDGE. THE LAST STRAW. WHILE TRAVERSING THE TIES. There has been a terrible scene between husband and wife, At last the Friend—‘‘ Don’t you find it monotonous work travel- latter, not thinking of anything more outrageous to say, mildly inquires : ing from city to city?” “And pray what are you looking at me in that stupid way for?” ‘Aclor—“ No, indeed ; one has to be constantly on the “I’m watching you grow old.” lookout for wild cats and specials.” VERY LIKE LOGIC. Professor—'* Mr. Eaubrian, you may demonstrate to the class that smoking cigarettes is not injurious.” Mr. Eaubrian—* Smoking cigarettes kills ; those who smoke them are of no earthly use and ought to be killed; the good or bad anything does must be judged from the effect it has on the greatest number ; therefore, since cigarettes rid the community at large of those who are useless to it, smoking them is not only not in- jurious, but beneficial.” A DIRE WARNING. Cease all foibles, stop your . Humbly bow before the fates ; For de Jam her bustles full of papers, She is trying on her skates, For los THE LESSON LOST ON HIM. itis The teacher had just been explaining to the class the Christian teaching of forgiveness. “Now, Bobby,” she said, ‘‘ suppose Johnnie Blossom : should hit you a stone or with his fist, what would Admin! be the Christian way of treating him ? “I'd lick him first and I ‘spose I’d forgive him after- wards,” replied Bobby. HE KNEW ALL ABOUT IT. Small boy" Uncle, do you understand the rule of three?” Uncle— Perfectly, my boy. I live with my father- in-law, my mother-in-law, and my wife.” A COOL HAND. ° A FAMOUS NAME FOR A DOG. AR—"'Say, just hand me that watch and pocketbook ; they are a little out of “Why do you call your dog Wellington, Mr. Slob- son?” “ Because of the ease with which he can rend a bone apart.” my re: ‘Ownex oF Watcu—I will, if you will tell me what nerve food you patronize.” HE WAS WITH THEM IN SPIRIT. —-- _--- School-teacher—* Where is Tommy? He is never in class when we begin ENTIRELY FAMILIAR WITH THE SUBJECT. scripture lesson.” Foung Mr. Freshly (to his tutor)—“ Will you tell me Harry (eagerly)—“ Oh, but I'm sure he doesn’t forget his lesson, because something of the reign of terror? You know all about yesterday while you were asking us about St. Peter's denial I heard him _ it I believe.” crow twice out in the yard.” Absent-minded professor —“ Reign of terror? Know AT THE FRONT. about it I should say I did. Six children at my Mistress (of a retiring disposition)—“ Now, Marie, when you go to the house eines nine oe three—and all down photog:aph gallery be sure to look carefully in the show-case and see if With the whooping cough.” they have my picture on exhibition. It makes me shiver to think of the multitudes that may have gazed at me during the last two weeks.” (Four hours later)—“ Well, Marie?” Marie—* Madame's portray was no in ze cass.” AMistress—*“ Oh, | am so relieved! Do you know, 1 have fancied that I_/e// strangers staring at me.” Marie—* Madamée’s portray was at ze front, so beau/ee- ful, in what one call ze frame. Two dollah marked.” NOT VERY POPULAR. “‘Have-you discovered any tyrotoxicor in the ice- cream this summer?” he asked the waitress in the café. “No, sir; there wasn’t any profit making that kind last summer, and so we just make the regular flavors and let it go at that. Ah! why did she make him leave her? ‘Ah, why so cruel the fair? When a boy he'd had scarlet fever, And it settled in his hair. A NEW BARD OF AVON. Remsen was a poet who rejoiced in the title “the new Bard of Avon.” Asked one day how matters were in the old home of Shakespeare, he replied, “I know nothing about any such distant place. 1 am the Bard of Avon, New York.” HE COULD STAND IT BEST. Bertie—Pa, | hope grandma will die before I do; don’t you?” Pa-—* What on earth ever put such ideas into your head?” Bertie—“‘Oh, I have often noticed that I can stand FEELS Hb ele car pial er te tod ered en pases trouble better than she can.” SHE— Then why don't you eat on your back?"” RUCK comicbooks.com