Judge — 1888 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

NATURAL GAS FROM JUDGE. PROOF OF INEXPERIENCE. Mrs. Bagley—‘1 let Mary go to-day, John.” Mr. Bagley—* Why, | nit 3 in her!” Mrs, Bagley —Well, 1 did think so, but I came ~ to the conclusion this morning that she hadn't had any experience in housework. Mr. Bagley—* How so? : Mrs. Bagley—“ Why, she actually tried to put the cases on the pillows without holding the pillows by her teeth.” AN AMBIGUOUS COM- PLIMENT. “If you use my mix- ture once,” said ‘a pat- ent medicine man, “I’m sure you will never use any other.” “No,” was the re- ply, “I don't suppose I ever would.” HE GOT IT RIGHT. Pompous old teacher (to class in sacred history) —“What weapon did Samson use to kill the Philistines ?” No one remembers. P.O. T. (who be- lieves in suggesting answers, touching hi chin)—‘ What is this?” Bright Boy (who takes the hint and remembers it all now)— “The jaw-bone of an ass, sir.” Circus in which P. O. T. and B. B. are principals. CoLarow— A BUSINESS SECRET. “You must be very polite to succeed in this busine: barber to his young-apprentice. ‘Always wear a pleasa and try to flatter everybody. “I'll do my best, sit,” replied the apprentice; “but how am I to flatter a bald headed man?” “Easy enough,” re- plied the barber. “Just ask him if he doesn’t want his hair cut.” MAL-APROPOS. Jones attended a wedding the other day where the groom was an infantry officer. “One of the best branches of the ser- vice,” he remarked, as he congratulated the bride. * Deaths are so frequent that advance- ment is certain and rapid.” BAD CASE The hopeless con- dition of the boy in Hoboken who swal- lowed his mother’s tape measure is pro- nounced by eminent phy: s to be the only genuine case of ient “dying by he marm?” ight you said you had gained a prize IS THIS A FOEMAN WORTHY OF OUR STEEL. Me heap big bad Injun, waugh, wantce grub sudden! Wow-wow.” LITTLE JOHNNY (one minute later)—Th’ dago didn't think ther wuz « man ‘round the house, did VERY BLANK VERSE, Countryman (in vookstore)—‘‘ Say, how much is this book?” Clerk—*That Shakespeare? You may have that for three dollars.” Countryman (opening the book) —“Um— guess I don’t want it, arter all. Halfthe lines ain't carried out to the margin, and thar's pooty near as much paper as print. I like solid read- in’ best, m ue UNANSWERABLE. “No, my son shall not work in a bank. He's a delicate boy and 1do not want him to put himself in danger,” said a Harlem mother, “ But [| don't see how bank work can be con- sidered dangerous,” re- plied the husband. “Aren't bank clerks constantly exposed to drafts?” MAL-APROPOS. Chairman of committee of presentation, — tendering to you this brilliantly plumaged bird, only recently torn from the perfume-laden f its Amazon- parishioners, that their earnest hope is that he may che: d enliven your home, prove an object of interest and instruction to yourself, your good wife and children, and with his merry ways brighten and entertain the parsonage for years to come. Parrot (who has been listening attentively) —* The h—I you say!” “TEARS, IDLE TEARS.” “Oh, what a nice dream I had last night!" said little Alice to her younger brother, Augustus, one morning. Only think, | was ata restaurant, and | had such loads of ood things; m roons, cream jelly cak so Many more,” “And what was | eating?” “Oh, you wasn't there!” replied Alice, sympathetically. Whereupon little Augustus took out his. little handkerchief and wept bitterly over his first disappointment in ife. INDIGESTIBLE. 1 hear you have married a literary woman. Mend your own stockings and all that sort of thing, 1 suppose?” Smithkins — “ Ye-es. But that isn’t the wor of it. She sometimes mislays her poems in the bread, and they are apt to make it a trifle heavy, don’t you now.” comicbooks.com