Judge — November 12, 1887 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE UNCLE DAVE’S REASONING. ethet Phar'o— Ha ut n’ Binidez I th’ rist ov Is'rel's army. mi ashore ez dry Iyer yarn to them ez nev ds it, Waita minnit! Hear me fust When th’ boys ter south’ard of us Got th’ grimmps in six’y-one, I went daown ter York ‘n listed, Me an’ sev'ral, Lots o' fun, “Till we struck th’ Mississippi, Then it kind’r petered out, Grub wuz sceerce, an’ ez fer licker ! "Minded me of 40's drought. New Orleens wuz captered, final. T struck thar wi zht months’ y Beeswax! How th’ money scatteret Like when hoss- Clusly on ter seventy dollar Went into the little Talk abaout e strikes th’ hay. QUITE IMPOSSIBLE. We have had lists of things that men cannot do, and lists of things that women cannot do, but here aro a few that prove too much for either sex. unaided human power-- Itis beyond To admit that our shoes hurt because they are too small, To listen cheerfully to a twice-told tale. To love a bore because he is good. To remember debts as vividly as we remember debters. ‘Lo be grateful in proportion to the intention of the benefactor rather than in proportion to what we receive. To be as much mortified over a sin as over a mis take in etiquette. To feel as deep a remorse before as we feel after being found out. STILL HARDER. Found in an album at Nice: “Nothing is more difficult than for a woman to uur drownin’ Faro! a ! . . ries Yeou can't do it! all the sat decide when to begin her thirtieth year.” KNEW WHAT HE CALLED FOR. Political magnate (from the west, to waiter at Fifth- hotel)-- I say, I want a bottle of mpagne, and bout it.” Waiter—" Dry, sir?” Political magnate (very in * Never you mind whether I'm dry; you bring that champagne.” THE WRONG CONCLUSION. Stern, but absent-minded, fathe telegram from genteel young son-in-la Mary of ada both doing well. Tom.” Which he reads with the muttered comment, “Why shouldn't he be doing well, the ycung papps! He must be more of a Miss I thought it he has to telegraph over the country how he isdoing under such circumstances. ‘law receives this OUT OF PLACE. A particular old gentleman, pulling something out of his soup that should not have been included among the other ingredients, thus addressed his cook: » Josephine, Lam much obliged for your thoughtful- ness, but next time kindly give it to me in a locket.” CHEEK, (acho has meaked hy the doarskeeper)—" Py a mine frent? Ssh? Dey vos shmuggled.” "Are you aware, sir, that Iam a deputy col- lector of this port CatLen—" Den, py cgrascious! you moost know a goot cigar ven you sees von.” THE PERVERSE PRESS. First passenger—"* newspapers are.” Second passenger—* Yes, I've noticed that my- self. Now I like to have my name appear in print every day, but I can't get it accomplished.” First passenger—‘Is that so? It’s entirely different with me. I like to keep my name out of the papers, By the way, what is your business 7” Second passenger—" I'm an actor, Erwhat is your line?” First passenger—“Um a professional bank burglar.” It is strange how perverse A GREAT SURPRISE. “Thad a great surprise this morning. It has upset all my calculations for the day,” said Bagley “What has happened ?” asked Bailey. * A bicyclist came up suddenly behind me on the side walk.” “And he hit you ?” No, went by me safely; that was the surprise.” DRAWING CONCLUSIONS. In the family circle. ‘Mamma, what is it to commit adultery ?” asked a little French boy of his mother. “My darling Tommy, it is taking what belongs to another.” MAMIE'S FIRST ATTEMPT. * How kind of you, darling ! I will always keep it before me."* “What do you mean + Why don’t you eat it Hx-- Eat it + Great Scott ! I thought it was a paper-weight.” comicbooks.com