Judge — May 28, 1887 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HAGGARD’S RECIPE FOR NOVEL WRITE ( 2 BAI idge: ~'mighttand for the trunk of a boodle alderman of long boodling. It was round) protuberant, and well-conditioned, except as to externals. Tho shabby edges of and antique figures on a vest that negligently em- _> braced his stomach lent a peculiar etfect to thighs that tapered as rap- idly as a triangle untilithey reached swell knobs which were presumn- “Sablyshis knees. His legs weré mere shadows of a some-time substance, ‘und were embraced by trousers which with their contents would have suggested a pair of long stockings. dar ig from a clothes-line, had ¢ they not been embarrassed. by feet which spread like the massed roots od oale, His lett hand rested on his hip as negligently tramp of the shady side of a highway, while his right, with fingers pointing in'as many directions as a cross-roads indicator, protruded in argumentative fashion. A fringe of white wool hid the juve of his neck and shoulders; his ears were half disguised by a like growth ; » his eyebrows, elongated iuto an elliptic contour by the earnest expres- sion on his face, crowded the wrinkles in his forehead into eccentric * dines; ‘and his mouth, half open and as. indefinite in boundary as the A chasm next prefer, I don't despise’a mariner 3 If much he has been through ; Til even take a pillager; Or anything that's new. ENVOY. Prince, I'm not discriminating, For anything I'll write for you, A song of any land I'll sing, Or anything that's new. BRAINERD PRESCOTT EMERY. BUZZ SAWS. Even the trained athlete often hurts himself. It is better to flatter a man than to argue with him. The green apples the bad boy steals often make him sick. Even a premium won't make a bad paper with a subscription. Some people know what we should do better than we do ourselves. The man who is very anxious to sell is probably trying to cheat you. We are apt to put on a poor mouth to the man who comes to borrow, 4. ds O'CONNRLL. THE PURPOSE OF IT. Little Tommy (taking a ride with his pa, glances up at side of car and spies ax)—** Pa, what do they use that.ax for ?” I guess they use it to cut the sandwiches with that we will be likely to get at the next station.” EXPERIENCE.. OFFERED DIRT CHEAP BY UNCLE JASPER, WITH NO TAKERS. “De man wat lays up ‘is treas- yahs in ‘is stummick am mo’ en h dat he'd cultivated suffin’ ’side ‘is appetite befo’ de ob de wintah ob life capers gray ha’.” The moralist was Une’ Jasper, as he was called by the worldly; or Deacon Jasper, as his brethren and sisters of the church were wont to greet him. His above remark was gratuitously bestowed upon several colored dudes, members of the Websterian persuaders, a debating society at- tached to Déacon Jasper’s church, who after the weekly meeting had organized a surprise party to de- scend upon a neighboring oyster saloon without asking the deacon to ornament the festive board. ‘Yo’ ull see de day w'en my wa'nin’ ull hit yo’ ez haad ezarun- away mule dat meets yo’ w’en yo’ is tu’nin’ a co’nah,” continued the deacon. And he struck a position that displayed the most remarkable physique that ever excited medical or other curiosity. A sectional view of the deacon embracing the middle of his body } Missouri during a spring freshet, disclosed two broken teeth which seemed to tear new holes in or knock still other pieces from the edges of words already tattered-when they left his tongue. “Look at me, yo' dissypates, yo’, an’ take wa'nin’,” he said, slap- ping the best developed part of his body,‘ W’en I warde stewahd ob a Hudson ribber steamboat I dun pampah my stummick ‘twell hit war haad wuck toe tote hit roun’. In dem days I pick de best mo’sels ob eb’ry dish, *twell I war fat ez a hog in butchahin’ time. I dun tink dat de chief en’ ob man war vittles. But w'en I dun los’ my eye-sight so dat I used salt wien de dish wanted sugah, an’ sprinkled red peppah wha’ cin’mon war de condiment desi'd, I ceas’ toe be a stewahd an AN IRISH BRAVE. Mrs. Fuviw—" And what would yez do, Motke, if ther British cum and bombarded Ny York —" Be gobs, I'd Join me ould rigiment.” ‘Abd where's the rigiment!™ ni Otreland.”” drop down toe de level ob a w'itewash-brush an’ odd jobs ob totin’. Ef I'd put a check rein on my appetite w’en hit war prancin’ laik a two- y’ah ole colt, I might ob been a o’nament toe society ’stid ob a fissekel cu’ossity; an’ ef I'd a’took half de trouble wid a savin’s bank dat I did toe keep my wais’band tight, I might a been fixed toe len’ money at fo'teen pah cent int’res’ ’stid-ob not bein’ able toe borrer hit on any terms. Yo' young niggahs doan’ need oystahs dis ebenin’ enny mo! en oystahs need feet, er I need a crop ob red haiah on my pate. Dis yer puttin’ fo’ meals objvittles wha’ free meals ull do jis’ ez much good am bound toe lead toe an av'ridge bimeby dat ull make de eatah wish The young men had left with sharpened appetites, and as they disap- peared down the street the old man heaved a sigh and concluded, ‘Common sense am wasted on de young. Da gotter git sperunce jis’ ezole folks dun got hit; an’ w’en da gits Hit da ull offah hit in de maakit dirt cheap wid no takahs. HE HAD GONE. Friend —‘' Ah, James, I've called to see your ‘Portrait of an Actor.” ~ Artist (producing a picture)—" Yes, I've had a good many good words on it.” Friend (after exami it carefully)—‘** But I don’t see any actor.” Artist—‘ Well, you see it’s summer now and his season’s closed.” JAMES A. WALDRON. The very generous man is often a big rogue. comicbooks.com