Judge — January 15, 1887 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE MASSAGE FIEND. | the vest may possibly relieve the strain, but it that he might try something a little more 5 | will not retard or abridge the growth. I had | stern. He got a coarse-toothed stable curry- arrived at that stage of development when it | comb and I lost five pounds within five hours. | was necessary for me to go down stairs back- | The step of retrograde had been reached. TI is = ward, edge sideways into a street-car, and | next time the man raked me down with bt ofests “ihe other | fasten my napkin to the front button of my’| iron garden rake. After that followed a two day and casually re- | ‘ousers instead of my collar. The climax of | hour go-as-you-please up and down my person marked that I was | ™Y absurd position was reached when a hack- with a lawn-mower. In three months I was becoming thin, I for- driver hitched an extra horse to his vehicle and | able to get into my eldest boy's pants. I gave him all his ex. | Cbarged me double fare. I would have kicked | settled with my massage professor and have pansive weakness and | then, but I dared not trust my immense been a well and happy man ever since. I now fell upon his neck and mountain of adipose tissue to one leg. weigh eighty-nine pounds. H. 8, KELLER, wept. Ever since I| Hence I was finally prevailed upon to try | ———————— gave up the debasing | the much-mooted and widely-advertised mas- DIDN'T APPLY TO HIM, habit of existing un- | sage treatment. I sent for a noted professor! ** Do you feed your dog meat ¢” . der the adverse cir | of massage manipulation and tenderly placed | _‘* Ah, no; it heats his blood and makes him cumstances and abject | into his hands three hundred and ninety-| have all sorts of troubles.” frugalities of the|two pounds of human woe and weal. I| ‘‘ What have you in that paper ?” boarding-house reg- {cautioned him to proceed slowly and gen-| ‘* Ah, a couple of pounds of steak for my- ime, I have been| tly. I was fearful of the result, for I had | self.” __ slowly but surely | heard that their people often grew fat while ——— growing fat. There whan medium in the | under the treatment. Any more fat in my A WRONG CONSTRUCTION extending of the vest-front, but no man has | case would have made me a fit subject for the | Bertiz—‘Mamma, I thought you said Mr. yet been uble to mark the particular boundary | lunatic asylum or the soap-boilers’ kettle. The Johnson was a very wise man. jine existing between comely portliness and | professor began soothing me down witha fine Mamma—‘* Well, so he is, Bertie.” uncomfortable personal rotundity. The elon- | tooth comb. The sensation was pleasant and Bertie—‘'I know better. After I told him to- gation of the pants-buckle strap and the inser- | I rather liked it. But I didu't lose a single | day I was in school he wanted to know how tion of geometrical darts in the ulterior area of | pound in two days. I told the massage fellow | much two times three was.” G When one of the - most frequent bor. rowers of my pecuni- A STRIKING PIECE. THE PASSENGERS AMUSED. | f \ THE WILD WEST. pt wasa Fourth avenue street af 2 WY . \ \y\ |“ Have you ever sat upon an 7 j inquest ?” asked the coroner of a cowboy. “Betcher life I hev, stranger,” was the ready answer. | ~ “And what kind of a verdict | | \\ NYY J a 7 did you bring in 2” | 8 | ** A charge of murder against the doctor.” First passenger (deaf) — “Ah, going out of town ?” Second passenger (shouting) es: my father-in-law is very sick up in Yonkers.” First passenger—‘Isn’t your wife going out ?” cond passenger (shouting) TN "First wife’s father.” { sa . He OUGHT TO HAVE KNOWN IT. \ \ mS ‘ es IW ONLY THE LOCAL COLOR. Purchaser—“Er—how much Cy) as g ‘ . | “This isa rather dead kind does that ham weigh ?” Ba x q vy 3N of town,” said a drummer in ed butcher—“Pifteen S . Ses a wearied tone of voice to the pounds, sir.” bar-keeper. soirdupoisor = “Well, what can you ex- “Gott in Himmel! Vere did you puy dot biece of musick?” pect,” was the dogged reply, “when the principal industry of eight 7 Troy butcher (stiffly)—""You are in Troy now.” —— ; - —- the place is a crematory ?” You draw mighty good hands when you're not playing for chips. The farmer's dog is seldom Satisfied with taking only th = g only the In the eyes of the world __ The man who lives on little is worshiped as an economist, while he who there isn’t much difference be- lives on nothing is despised as a tramp. tween a tramp and a crow.