Judge — May 29, 1886 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

My heart is full, as oft it is, ‘ith loving thoughts of thee, n would I to thee impart Tw things that swell my throbbing heart, Lut my pen faileth me, There's many-a fond and tender word And gentle name to-night I fain would whisper in thy ear; But then, alas! thou art not near, And—ah ! I can not write. And why, then, when my heart is full, Should my pen useless drop ? My ink is out, I grieve to say ; I's 5 P.M. on Saturday, And I've promised not to shop. J.B, KERFOOT. OLD CHOCOLATE. | ME FAVORS THE COLORED COTERIE WITH A FEW PES: SIMISTIC VIEWS ON SCIENCE GENERALLY AND MEDICINE IN PARTICULAR. | * Missus Green says yo’ mus’ come home an’ knock some wood apa’t ef yo’ want yo’ din- nah.” This information was conveyed by a colored lad to Littleneck Green, who was sit- ting with others of the colored coterie under a new unbleached muslin awning that O’Raf- ferty had erected over his grocery platform. The lad had interrupted a fish story which a young African, called * Dr.” Robbins, was reel- | ing off with ornate detail and startling develop- ment that would have made Munchausen turn black with envy, had that exemplar of un- veracity been present. But as Littleneck ex- pected to have fish for dinner he thought it desirable to attend to the preliminary suggest- ed by his wife's message rather than to please his imagination at the expense of his stomach, and so shuffled away from his fellows to sub- due the wood. Dr.” Robbins, who concluded his tale with a thrilling climax, informed the company that he proposed to Wg outa sign, and practice medicine regularly, in the fall. He has been practicing it covertly for six months, and though there have been three sudden deaths among the colored denizens of the ward within | ma | to go into regular practice, the African philos- | opher exploded to this effect: JUDGE. 5 representative of medicine departed in a huff, followed by the jeers of Littlenosed Pete and one or two others who, unlike the majority of the coterie, were not under obligations to him for medicines prescribed without price and ina pure spirit of experiment. ‘Yo’ won't git even wid me ‘less yo’ git me |toe take yo’ medicine,” was Old Chocolate's “al that time, and an inquest has b held in cach case, he has escaped even suspicion. His title of “ Dr.” is an honorary one, which was conferred by his associates, and proudly adopt- ed by him, from the moment when, a year ago, he assuined the duties of factotum to a regular} physician up-town, “Dr.” Robbins improved | his opportunity from the first. By watching) about while engaged in caring for his enploy- er's horse, opening the hall door during office hours, and washing bottles, etc., at intervals, he has learned that medicine, as it is practiced, is not a difficult science, and that the prime re- quisites for success are powerful tools, a posi- tive confidence, and indifference to serious results, “Gemmen,” remarked the doctor to the as- sembled company, ‘I kin kill aw cuah any case dat yo’ show me, an’ what doctah kin do ” Neverdie Calhoun, the patriarch of the coterie, to whom Dr. Rebbins had given a dose of laudanum for rheumatism, soon after his first assumption of the professional title, spoke corroboratively : ‘* Yissah, yo’ medsin am pow’- ful.” Neverdie had remained in a stupor for hours after the dose, which not only knocked his sense of pain “ hiah dan a kite,” as the pre- seriber said it would, but also came very near curing his tendency to breathe. The doctor had tried to induce Old Chocolate to take one of his prescriptions for biliousness, but the old gentleman had refused, with the remark that he had rather ‘trust toe boneset tea.” He has a poor opinion of physicians, | and has looked with contempt upon Dr. Rob- | bins’s assumption of power from the first. Thus, when the doctor announced his intention | “Mistah Robbins,” (the old gentleman never would call him “ doctor,”) “ mischief ull come soon enough widout yo’ beckonin’ hit. Yo" doan’ know no mo’ ‘bout medicine dan a Chi- nese laundryman do ‘bout waad polities. Yo" ‘mind me dat dar a’n't no use toe fassen a bell toe a fool. Yo'—" ““Heah, sah!” interjected the doctor in anger, “IL won't lissen toe yo" ‘buse. But I'll git even wid yo’ some day—see ef Idoan.’” And the parting shot. Then turning to the company he paid his respects to the profession in this Gemmen, hit ic’ dat de mo’ doctahs multiply de mo’ diseases we is subjec’ toe, an’ de fewah people reach de three sco’ an’ ten yahs dat humanity am promised ef da behaves da’selves. Yo" can’t walk a block widout yo’ hat bein’ knocked off by a doctah’s sign, an’ ebery doctah dat sets up a shop makes two cases ob sickness grow wha’ on'y one grew befo’. W'en I war young, dar wa'n’t mo’ en fo' er five diseases dat people knuckled toe. In dese days a new disease am diskivered wid ebery change ob de moon, an’ de man dat fools wid a doctah am boun’ toe hab one ailment aftah anoddah ontwell de doctah wins an’ de undahtakah gits a job. Dar er mo’ drug stoahs dan meat maakets an’ bakeries tergedder, an’ ef yo’ search de records ob de patent office yo’ ull fin’ two patents issued fo’ medicine toe one fo’ machinery er appliances fo’ bony fidy internal improvement. De bill-bo'ds am kiv- ered wid mo’ red ink an’ pictahs describin’ de wondahful effecks ob patent medicine dan da SIGNS OF THE SEASON—NO, 2. REPAIRING NEATLY DONE am wid circus ‘vahtisements, an’ ef yo’ er fool- ish ‘nuff toe beleeb hit, dar er mixtures in de inaakit dat’ll cuah all de ills fom misfit shoes er roun’ shouldahs toe bad habits. Da tell us dat science am advancin’, but ef hit am hits victims am increasin’ mighty fas’. Ef medi- cine doan’ git a bettah grip befo’ long, da ull hab toe build a crematory ontoe ebery chu’ch er gib obah half de lan’ undah cultivation toe grave-yaads, an’ fun’rels ull be so frekent dat de legislacha mus’ pass a law toe station flag- men at de street crossin’s toe waan people fom gittin’ undah de wheels ob hearses. Science comicbooks.com