Judge — May 15, 1886 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

wages THE WAY THEY TALK. THE ART OF SAYING NOTHING WHATEVER. IERILY we should live to learn. Alcibiades wishes it made known that he is ready to furnish an endowment. for an institution to be devoted to the ‘instruction of youths and Adults in the art of ordinary conversation.” He met Jones, Brown and Smith in one afternoon last week. Jones said, ‘‘ I am going out of town next Mon- day. Lthink I'll go Monday—either Monday or Tues- day or Wednesday—I have not entirely made up my mind yet which, but Ithink Monday ; but if not Monday, Tuesday —probably Monday, however. I want to see a man down at the Branch on business, and I think I'll be more apt to find him on Monday. That's why I'm particularly anxious to go down on Monday; though if Tcan't get off Monday I shall go Tuesday, because it is a matter of business for me to see the man, and I know that he is there over Sunday, and, being there over Sunday, I think I am more apt to catch him on Monday. No; [ shall "—— But this way madness lies, Suffice it to say that after a half hour of this sort of amplified house that Jack built Alcibiades managed to stagger away from the frying-pan into the fire it proved, for on the next corner he fell in with Brown, who began: “Don't you think that last article in the Moon hit the administration a pretty severe blow ? Not but it may have been deserved, but then the Moon might leave the other side to fight him as he is their man; though perhaps you can't exactly say that he is their man, but then you could not say under the circumstances that he isn't their man. Whether he is their man or not he ought to be, and that comes to the same thing. However, I don't know that it does come to the same thing: things don't always look much like the things—er—that is—er— things are not always the same that they ought to be. Well, you may say that things come to the same thing; they ought to, but they don’t; though to be sure "—— Alcibiades tore himself away, a wildness in his eye and Reason hitching up her skirts pre- paratory to climbing down from her throne, when he saw Smith across the street. He wanted to know Smith’s brother-in-law’s address, so he paused in his mad pursuit of a Coney Island boat and hailed Smith. ‘‘ Why yes,” said Smith; ‘I've just sent Martin down south to sce about those plantation mortgages of mine. Martin is no good doing business on his own responsibility, but with me to back’ him and since the training I gave him last year Martin makes some very good strokes. I was intending to go down to see about those mortgages myself, but my wife—don’t know my wife, do you? Well, she’s a delicate little woman, daughter of old Judge Martin, you know, and she did not want me to leave her, and we felt it would be pretty risky to take her down there this time of year. She's up in the mountains now—not so convenient for me as to have her at the sea-shore; but the doctor—her doctor— we don't have the same doc— Oh, Martin? Well, as I was saying, Iam doing all I can to get Martin on his feet; he hasn't the right sort of snap about him exactly. When I was Martin's age I was in partnership with old Perkins. Singular character. He thought I was the best business man of—— Martin’s address? Well, we don't know it yet. My wife says— Sorry you are in such a hurry. We"—— But the collapsed Alcibiades was already being slowly whirled away in the yellow cab which in the desperation of the moment he had rashly hired, CARROLL CHRISTIE. HE FEARED TROUBLE. Sheriff—“' I'm afraid there is going to be trouble on account of that little affair last night.” Texas regulator— Why so %” Sheriff—* I learned to-day that the man you rode on a rail was an insurance agent.” , Texas reg- julator — “The deuce you say ! Oh, well, never mind. I guess after all we rode him far enough.” A MOMENT OF MISERY. If your wife wears tight shoes, lock up your razor. Ifyouareof a jealous ais- position and dislike to see your wife kissed by an- other man, go out of the house every time her handsome <— ‘SMPWRECKED PASSENGER—** Dere's de sun agoin’ down, unt gootness only knows if Ishall effer see it rise again. (After a pause, musingly) I vonder vedder Aaron MIXED CANDY. ‘WITH A MORAL, ‘Two cats stood on a back-yard fence Just as the day had fled, And with a growing turgescence— Without a show of dread— Gazed on each missile as it flew “slap: “*aing 1°“ bang!” ‘The cats still tarried there. At last the inan picked up a brick. He pined for fur and gore. “ Me—yow—yow—yows™ came fast and thick. He cast the brick and swore. A yell was heard from a strange throat. The missile, thrown too hant, Missed both the cats and killed a goat In an adjoining yard. There is a moral to this tale— Heat spoils the straightest aim, And he will always loss entail Who shoots at worthless game. ‘The man still threw. ANXIOUS TO LEARN. Boston girl—And did you visit Goat Island when you were at Niagara 1” Summer tourist—‘‘ Oh, yes; wentall over it.” Boston girl— Do tell me something about the goats.” HAD HEARD "EM AT THE TABLE, “Henry,” said a millionaire father, “ you are now about to start out into the world. Which would you rather have me give you—a blessing or a cool hundred thousand %” “One father, one. I couldn't stand a hun. dred thousand blessings such as you ask.” THEY LIVE ON POL. Female questioner—‘Tell me, what is tho principlearticle of food among the people where you have been, Mr. Harwood.” Returned African missionary—" Poi, Miss Celeste.” Female questioner—‘ Aren't they troubled has passed dot bad tventy-shillin’ gold piece yet?” cousin calls. iwith dyspepsia, Mr. Harwood t” comicbooks.com