Judge — October 31, 1885 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

TRUTH ABOUT POLITICS. The German Policeman s son, Jake, thinks he can stand a great deal of abuse if he gets a fat office in exchange. By Julian Ralph, Author cf the Reilly, the rman Police- “Where have you 1 lacksmith, inquired of th n yesterday after missing that rotund omy ny fora full week, h py der detective peezness, said the Germ: Policeman, ‘und [haf seen some bolitics for der firsd dime in my life.” “What do you mane by that?” Reilly quired in surprise. we have pol tics here so much av the toime that it sames tome as though I nosooner git troo saving the nation from ru than I have to pite voting wanst more “My simble frent,” said the Policen ‘on know nodings at all apowd bolitics. Here py Nye Yorick State ve got dwo gandi- dates for Governor, und one is denounced pegause he has peen guildy uf der grime uf peing porn rich und a chendleman, vhile der-otier feller is to scorn helt up pegause he is neta Sardicle above der leffel uf a boli- dician. Dot is der extent uf our knowledge uf der science, but in der Sout’ vhere I choost vos, dem got it to berfection. “Von gandidate for governor is an ig- noramus und der leader uf a bardy com- bosed of assassins, murderers und roppers. Dot obbosition candidate is a coward und a cur-dog at der head uf niggers, vite trash und such dings, Dot's so, I got dot py bote sites, und from der brincibal vellers. 1 vould not doubt such sdatements if I could. Von chendleman, who did doubt somedings yot vos sayt_ in bolitics, vos so riddled mit bullets dot his remains are to peen melted down into bars of lead, consegwently, I did not fail to pelieve all vat I could find owd. “Dem got more earnesdness und enthu- siasm py der South vat ve got. I dremble, efen at this late date, to dink vot a egoun- | | acter. THE D JUDGE. 3 | boliticians’ idea uf it g like to peen called all der a limburger Dutchman, but if he should hat to put up mit dot choost for von month und then should peen sheriff py Nye | | Yorick at a recklar Chay Gould salary und | | not somedings at all to do, he could shtand it like a Major. Ie says he could efen shtand a false sharge uf bigamy und. hor: sdealing if at der end uf der oxcitement he should find himselluf’ Governor from Nye he ton Sun's German Barter, drel Chorge Voshingtons must haf peen con- sidered vhen he ran for Bresident, too, vos also rich like Ira Davenport und der ob- bosite boliticians must have rebresented him ‘ on arindocrat und a py der gommon | Yorick at $15,000 a year for drec year, al- people as vell as a goward soldier, und a! retty, Ie says vot is goot enongh for De | chenerally vicke: doufan immoral char- Blenty beople brobably thought ve vould all to der teffil vent uf Chorge Vosh- ington vos effer clegted py der Bresidency.” “Vis,” suid Reilly,‘ Tsee your point, The fraydom ay the priss is a n-yulsance and ought fer to be put a shtep to. Its a ame for the Toimes and Tribune fer to be givin’ the Governor av the Shtate sich a Vitt Glinton und such a growt uf fellers, is goot cnough for him.” THE PLAINT OF THE UNDERPAID CLERK. I confess 1 am fond of a g! I dote on a first-class cig llike xl glass of wine, 1 drivin: And in music I'm ‘way above par, ] o!’said the Policeman, ‘ you dink | | ashame, ch? But I subbose’ you con- astes are gre party or ball rradulade yourselluf on der fact vot der thout me would be incomplete; i Demmygrad bupers make owd dot Misder | For my family dates back to the Saxon full Davenbort peen a ’ristograt uf der mosd | 1am one of the city’s elite, iNiards I shine, ay. | My penchant for women I know is unwise (I adore thy ex, to be frank); But to love them en m Is my platform's most prom! Lonly drink wine when I'm askel, so you may Understand Tam frequently dry And [take off the band. from friend's Henry * stoga’ T buy. aT drive with my friends when they choos I've no will at all in this ease; \| | A good invitation T never refuse | And neither would you in my place. For iu spite of my talents—my long pedi Tam forced to exist upon cheek; J cannot keep my position, On my income, five ou see, rsa week! | S.D.S,IR, Tuere was & good deal of doubt about the complexion of the Ohio Legislature un- til the official connt showed that the only negro candidate up had been defeated in Hamilton County. Berore THIS REACHES the reader's eye, | poor, decrepit old Bob Toombs will be dead. His picture has got into the syndicate pa- pers. But for that he might have lived to call around and roll down Bunker Hill. Vell, my frent, T am inglined to dink it vos all righd, It is | as fair for von as for der oder, und if der beople tond vont to vode for a gandidate on ackound of vot dem see broved againsd him dot must pe his lookoud. Der beople must | est, made am do vot dem dink pesd. Der beople are der | divvy for Can: King here. Vot dem gay is law, und each | sitar ndidate has got to show his hands und e his chances. If a man feels dot his pe- havior toward his olt mutter or his vife vill not inwesdigation bear, or dinks a sdade- | 4-4 busy now hatching up plans for North- ment uf der amonnd of liquor he drinks | js mR vould shock der bublic, more bedder he | Pole expeditions. Several of them have | shall keeb from bolidics avay. It’s unbleas- | found imbecile capitalists to start them and | t peezness, dot running for office, but ina! jt only remains to carefully prepare the crade rich goundry like this vich got all der | arrangements for failure, starvation and dime beace und brosberity, office holting is | yescue. ‘Tho rescuing parties hereafter aro easy und der salaries are high. | 2 lees My poy, Chake, vich makes all der | to start early enough to insure the pic-nic dime chokes owd from der mosd serious sub- | against danger. Thr BANK IN Ohio that employed a county cashier thinking him green but hon- ake. Ie lit out with his in just three weeks—like autumn which drops its verdancy and leaves. 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