Judge — October 3, 1885 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“THE JUDGE. blushed like a rose. That I was badly phazed to know what to do with my pur- chase, I can assert without fear of contra- diction.” “ Well, and what did you finally do with the horse?” I asked. “I don’t see that you have him about your clothes, Josh.” “The disposition of that white elephant, Lang, when the deed was accomplished, re- lieved my wretched soul instantly and, as you can easily imagine, with his riddance came a sensation of rapture indescribable. I could view the whole experience calmly and presently my former position presented Itself to me as so ludicrous that I became violently gleeful, and I was in that happy condition when I joined you and Cusby,” “ but what did you do with the hors I repeated. “Oh, the horse! I gave him to a boot- black for a shine.” L. L, LANG. On the bosom of a vasty deep, Ie floated sad and lone; No companion near to see him weep, Or hear his suff’ring moan. Wan and wasted was his soakened form, There drifting to and fro:— What? “A sailor shipwrecked by a storm,” Didst ask? No, reader no! On the bosom of a great big bowl Of soup, most thin to view, Did that one shrivelled oyster roll Alone in church-fair stew! ger. Jonna” A Revelation of Heaven. Brer Talmage inspected Vanity Fair while in England and he reports: “The Eng- lish watering places are to us a great fas- cination. Brighton is like Long Brauch. Weymouth is like Cape May. Scarborough is like Saratoga, Isle of Wight is like heaven.” A mixture of — bare-legged peasant-girl, fancy cattle, folly, fashion, ** bathing machines” and beer, then, is the orthodox idea of heaven. Most men will refer the place that is more like Coney | Island, in spite of Brer Talmage’s preach- | ing. | A Greasy Mystery. Every few days the whole oil regions and the ‘‘ Petroleam Exchanges” in every town, from New York to Podunk, getall wroughtup about some untested, suppressed ‘‘ wild-cat ” well—always called “The Mystery.” There is a perpetual and-greater mystery that they all seem to overlook, and that is, why oil continues year after year to be produced at less than a dollar a barrel, when everybody in the business knows and can demonstrate to you “‘toat” that ‘oil can not be pro- duced at less than two dollars a barrel.” They’ve done it millions of times—the $1 production and the $2 demonstration. And they are still at it frantically doing business at fifty per cent loss. ‘A PAPER was recently read before the | Ohio State Medical Society on the great question, ‘‘Why the Italians sing.” Go to ! Let us hear why they don’t stop singing, if there are any palliating circum- | stances. | = SA << | Cezar GOs HON CAN I FAINT THAT BIC*BARN FOR FIFTEEN BETTER IDEA YET~ TYREE OF A 7) i THE PRobt IM. Pe soe VED Briefs Submitted. by Jey, 208LTH. A stern necessity—a ship’s radder. The first misfit on record—when the jack- ass tried to wear the lion’s skin. Just because a editor has to use paste to a certain extent, that is no reason his head- light diamond should be looked upon with suspicion. A man of caw-shun—the cornfield scar crow. “You can plunge on my dog in his next match- fight,” Quoth a sport to a betting male: “For I've renamed him ‘Truth,’ and everyone knows: ‘Truth is mighty and will prevail.’” Ill-gotten gains—physician’s sick fees. Twas a disconsolate and unaccomplished | lover who remarked: ‘I don’t knowa thing about music and therefore can’t toot a flute night after night under Sarah’s window to gain favor with her, like her other beaux, bat if she ever gets tired of them dudes and wants a steady hard-working husband to help her along’in the world, why, I'll be quicker than Fightning to go to Sarah ’n aid A Needless Fear. her.” Old doctors Smythe and Browne have long practiced in the same town; and, being on excellent terms they never fail to give a good-natured joke whenever oppor- tunity offers, ‘The other day as Smythe was riding past Browne’s house, the latter, who hap to be in the yard at the time, called. out facetiously: *I say, Smythe, don’t make any mistake now, and call on some of my patients?” “No fear of that,” replied Smythe, touch- ing up his horse, “for I dare say their honses are all well marked.” R. MORGAN, ned | OFF THE BENCH. “OUR PLAG IS STILL there!” cried an enthusiast at the second day's yacht race. “« Of course it’s still, there,” growled a sailor; “‘there’s not wind enough to move a rag ” THe FREQUENCY of sore throat with | prima donnas indicates that their construc- | tion of their contracts is that they are | chiefly bound to contract colds and the | amount of service they render, Two MEN SEATED themselves on large blocks of Ice in Americus, Ga., on a ‘ freeze out.” The man who won was so shortened up by the cold that he didn’t know whether | he was suffering from cold in the throat or somewhere else. A Bucolic Opinion. “Father,” said Farmer Backwheat’s un- dergraduate son. ‘ Which pronunciation do you favor of G before a vowel?” “Oh, Pm not particular. Any on ’em’s good ‘nuff for me.” “Well, but do you habitually use soft G or hard G?” “Hard gee, always, and a dum _ good lick | of the gad across the nigh stag’s nose to boot. Soft geeing’s no use,” Degenerate Democrats. “TI don’t care,” persisted the old man; “taint democratic.” “Why isn’t it? Whet is it.” “T don’t see what business Senator Eustis and Mayor Grace have to be attendin’ a symposium with that black republican Roosevelt in the North American. I don’t like these new fangled reforms. I don’t be- lieve Jefferson or old Hickory, was ever ketched inside of a symposium in their | lives.” The old man couldn’t be pacified. ea comicbooks.com