Judge — September 5, 1885 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. We three had been to witness leg-itimate drama at some St. Louis variety hall one evening, I remember, and thereafter seated | ourselves in ® comfortable corner of the lobby of the Southern Hotel to enjoy a cigar before going to bed. Cusby, apropos of something that had come up, gave usa spirited account of an interview he had had some time back with a particularly tough buyer whom his duty had required him to ckle, when Josh Brown was moved to re- late an experience of his own. ‘Gus, your man wasn’t a patch on a fel- low I braced in Boston in the spring of '83,” he said. ‘Why, I was turned out of that place ’steen times in one day. I tried that chap in every way, and although I was new at the business in those ney T put in some very good licks, and if J had been blessed with as much muscle as perseverance and as many lives as a cat, I should certainly have sold him a bill, Atnine A. M., I went in, samplo grip in hand, and was fired directly. ten I tried him thout my samples. No go. At clev braced him Result: black ey During the afte noon I made the at- tempt in various disguises. I tried to effect an entrace as an organ grinder, having borrowed the instrument at a heavy rental from a Iago on the corner, The new organ I had to buy in. place of the kindling wood I brought out of that store cost fifty dollars. Asan old apple woman I was kicked into the middle of the street, and after my last attempt for the day, which was made in the disguise of a performing bear, 1 was carted off in an ambulance.” “While convalescing [ received a telegram from the house in New York, and when I got out of the hospital I ran in. When I showed up at the store the old man called me into his office, remarking very severely: -— “© Mr. Brown, we haven’t heard from yon in the last ten days except by draft, but in that way, with sufficient frequency. Where have you been since the first of the month?’ ” “In the hospital at Boston, Mr. Migg,’ T answered. “©Ah, T suppose you got full, Mr. Brown, and tried to lick the whole police force, or attempted to throw a horse-car off , or perhaps, monkeyed a bit with Sullivan?” » Sir) u haven’t struck the com- bination. I was laid out in an attempt to sell | 4 bill to Bier of Bier & Bretzel.” “See here, Brown,’ Mr. Migg remarked sorrowfully, ‘it’s my opinion that you don’t know how to sell goods. We didn’t get pounded in my day and althongh it’s many considered. | ON THE ROAD. years since I was on the road, I think I can teach you new men a thing or two.’ “I” intimated that I was not above being taught a thing or two or even three, and would be glad of pointers. “ “Now,’ said my employer, “assume that I am you, Mr. Brown, and you are a buy Mr. Bier, for instance. Take a seat at my desk and I, representing the drummer, will come in and sell you a bill.’ “Am I to understand, Mr. Migg, that Tam toconduct myself in all respects as Mr. Bier would towards Josh Brown?’ “Certainly, you fool, that is precisely | what I want,”he answered, irritably. “* Although I’m not so big a man as Mr. Bier is, Mr. Migg, I’ll do my best.” “¢T don’t see what Bier’s si: with it, young man.’ “Oh, you don’t. has to do Well, I'll try to show you, sir. But, I say Mr. Migg, you won't hold me responsible for the consequences, will, you?’ What's got into you, Brown, anyhow? What the devil do you mean by conse- quences? There are no-consequences to be Shut up and take that chair.’ “CAN right, Mr. Migg, I’m ready. Teave ahead.’ “The boss went out and as soon as the door closed, I took off my coat and vest, | rolled up my sleeves to the shoulder and tied my suspenders tightly around my waist. ‘Then I took the chair just as my man knocked. “*Come in,’ I sang ont, and the door opened, “Mr, Bier, I presume,’ remarked Migg blandly.| «My name is Btown, sir, I repre- sent Migg & Miggles of New York and my object in calling was to——’ “There was at this point a slight pause. The drummer found the buyer in the act of | lighting a choice Havana which he had helped himself to from a box on the desk. “Well, young man, what was your object | in calling? “Spit it out,’ I said gruflly. «See here, wrathfally. “Tf you are talking to me, sir, my name is Bier. State your business as briefly as possible and get’ out.’ “Migg choked down went on: +© As I was saying, Mr. Bier, I represent the funeral furnishing house ‘of Mig & Miggles, and called ——’ “*What, Migg & Miggles; why didn’t you say that before.’ “ «But, Idid, Mr. Bier.’ “«Confound your impudence, young fel- low. Do you suppose I’m deaf? Do you believe I would allow & man to enter my doors who represents that fly-blown, lantern- jawed Migg? Don’t you know, sir, I des- pise that pink-nosed, slab-sided, "measely eat more than any of the other vile and low creatures that crawl. As to deal- ing with hin— “I'd sooner be a toad And breathe the vapors of a dungeon Than harbor such thought, Brown,’ he commenced his anger and “1 suppose you want to sell me some of his rotten old cof- fins or worm-eaten caskets. Why, Migg never turned out un honest piece of work in his life. Ilia cof- fins never fit. ‘They bag at the knees and turn white at the seams. They shed buttons like a walnut tree in No- vember. Rather than be buried in one of his machines, I'd be planted in a soap box. lis cas- kets are all short measure; are net fast dye and are more than half cot- ton. No, sir, I wouldn’t deal with that man for—why, he’s no man at all. That low-lived, addle-pated —moth-eaten thing a man—not much. If you belong to him, and you say you do, get out of this at once or I'll brain you with this ruler. Are you going’ “T hoisted the ebony and rose to my feet. Old Migg was mad; he was more than mad. When he could speak at all, which was quite a bit after I Rad finished my graceful tribute to his character as a man and a mer- chant, he gasped: “ «Brown, you’re a fiend. your neck right here and now. you not to joke with me.” “And with that he made a break for me, crazy wild. Ihove the ruler, a big heavy affair, as he advanced. It took him on the top of the head, and glancing from thence, went smashing through the glass partitio Then we closed. You should have wit- nessed that scrapping match, boys. I had more fun than a tramp ata free-lunch or a moke with a melon. We waltzed around that apartment like a peg-top with a green apple colic, kicking over chairs and desks and spilling ink and gore—only, it wasn’t Tl break Vl teach comicbooks.com