Judge — July 25, 1885 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

OFF THE BENCH. Fist ANd Wanb turned out guilty of offensive partnership. Ux Lane States REPRESENTATIVES AT no, Mandelbaum & Co. Music boxes are now placed in the bot- toms of beer glasses and decanters. Un- necessary! ‘There was music enough there before. «Trust Gop and fear not,” is the motto a minister provided in a sermon to business men. Fear God and trust not, is the proper formula, Wuat 1s WANTED for municipal govern- ment reform in this country is about two hundred dictators judiciously placed in mayoralties. - | Gints ovr west take laudanum when | restrained from pic-nics by hard-hearted parents. If prescribed by a careful physi- cian it might be a good treatment to enforce until after the pic-nic. | “Tue Pactapius or Linerty,” is en- | gaged in a desperate life struggle with Plu- tocricy in the Wild West. Ex-thirty-d: Senator Tabor—he of night-shirt fame—has | excluded all reporters from his Denver opera house. ’Tis a fearful and sheol-gestated revenge. “‘Wuere does the locust come from?” asks a bucolic searcher after lore. It is fur- nished by the department, but each police- | man pays for his own, we believe. ‘The lat- | ter usually supposes it is of the seventeen year variety (malleus sepenrdecimarius) but few of them prove to be such. ‘They flourish most vigorously in quiet and unfrequented places. “Tr 1s singular, but a fact nevertheless, | that ulmost any community will wink at conduct on the part of @ band of students | which would be unanimously condemned and promptly punished if indulged in by the | employes of a shoe factory or a machine | shop.”—[Manchester Union. Which cor- | roborates Col. Bob's saying “religion and | morality are all matters of intellectual devel- opment.” «Tue Ciry of Churches,” my dear, is so called because it has fewer meeting houses to the population and pressure of sin to the square inch than has any other city, because over there harlequin preaches the gospel, evolution is substituted for revelation and little children of Unitarian parentage are excluded from orthodox Sunday school pic: nics, It is the orthodox theory now that a special heavenly mansion is in course of erection for Brooklyn Unitarians—to be built | by some cerulean Buddensieck. | Ow Panty—" Boy—" So hace THE JUDGE. And that there row was worse thai Old their intors’ tights. The langua Would be And the Re In a terr Seven ears and noses were sewed on at was used that night ful to relate, pans from that play went bome ly used-up state And a dozen fractures set, But we took three hundred dollars in And paid that old church debt DASID & FosTER Proper, but Inadequate. ‘The English passengers on the Wyoming on the Fourth, only showed proper spirit in leaving the cabin when the Yankees read the Declaration of Independence in mid- ocean. We approve, and only regret they HOW THEY PAID THE CHURCH DEBT AT had not been mad enough to leave the ship SMITHVILLE. At Smithville once, to help the church, We gave an amateur play, And set up Julius Cs Tn a most astounding way. The stars were Oscar Johnson, Sam. Brown, Bill Jones and me And the way that Jones played Caesar Was a frightful thing to see. At first the applause was great, we played For all the parts were worth And the audience wasn't crit And didn’t want the earth, “Till William Jones, as usual, Spoiled the play by getting tight, Ina regular Smithville tight, We gave the ancient Romans points— Except, it must be said, When Cassius didn’t know his part, And sang a son; When Brutus’ false calves slewed around At which some people talked, And the curtain stuck when C: And the corpse arose But when Mark Antony gi Wher ar's body lay, To speak the funeral speech, which is ‘The best thing in the play ‘The audience laughed and roared, and he Soon knew the reason why When he saw the corpse, which sat_upright And winked with its left eye Jones was a most ambitious man And he thought ‘twas his best chance, And rising from his bier began An original Fejee dance, Such conduct in a corps It was exceeding quee Then Antony, whose specch was spoiled Got straightway on his ear, ya'll own: And from the rostrum stepped and went To put a head on Bill, And they two waltzed around the stage To a wild and reckless mill Then the Roman soldiers In the scrimmage took a hand, And the Roman populace followed With the members of the band. The audience cheered the Romans on For they thought Uwas But the truth dawned on their minds about The time the stage gave way Then some one raised the cry And turned out all the lights, | | altogether and instante: Proxy Piety N. G. The Austrian government refuses to receive Keiley on account of his wife's religion. Probably the court to which all husbands must at last present their credentials will refuse many erequaturs for the same reason, We have never observed » of modern iety’s refusing to receiv ly on. ae. count of her husband’s relig Bre Kiv— The Clock and the Wheelbarrow. That the evil which men do lives ufter them, is nowhere better illustrated than in the case of It is safe to his two most important inventions—the pen- dulum and the wheel-barrow have had a more depressing effect upon love-making than a regulation cold-wave ever had on the thermometer. When the mid-night stroke of the cight- clock brings the old man into the parlor ha night-cap on his head, and and e, the disconcerted lover heaps imprecations on the memory of Gaillleo. But when, in his frantic effor' learns by sad experience that some one h carelessly left the wheelbarrow in the path, the name of Galilleo mingles familliarly with words such as Galilleo never had use for, R, MORGAN, comicbooks.com