Judge — July 11, 1885 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE, THE JUDGE PUBLISHED ONCE A WEEK, TERMS TO SUBSCRIBERS. (Usiren Staves ax Cavan.) 1 ADEASCE, ope year, or 2oumbers 6. py. Aix months, or 36 numbers, for 13 wee ‘i Single coptes 10. cents each; THE JUDGE PUBLISHING COMPANY, 824, 326 and $28 Pearl St., NEW YORK. TO CORRESPONDENTS AND CONTRIBUTERS, EP-ConnexrospENTs WILL PLEASE TAKE XOTICE THAT THEY EXD Maa TO THis OFFICE AT THEIR OWS Rink, WHERE §TAMPS p WH WILL, RETCRN REJECTED MATTER, AS FAR AS FOS LY OF CONTRIDCTIONS 18 CRKD, THAT PART WILL BE. PAID FOR FHO RATA ON TUE FRICE AOREED CPON FOR THE WHOLE ‘CosioNAEsT, ONLY FANCY. A scientist has demonstrated that no man can by any possibility cool himself any with afan, The internal heat produced by the muscular exertion required to work the fan exactly counterbalances the cooling effects of the artificial breeze projected, so that after a vigorous fanning a man remains as hot as when he began. No one can dispute science, and we are left to explain the survival of the fan upon other grounds than its utility as a cooler. “Why do we fan?” or, ‘ Does fanning fan?” is the next problem for the physiol- ogists, psychologists, pneumatists and para- graphists. Science has not taken into account the effect on imagination of this exercise. Fancy has to do with fan. If “as a man thinketh so is he” be true, then we may be- lieve that as woman fancies she is fanned so is she fanned. As an aid to fancy it is im- portant that those who propel the fansee objects upon it calculated to aid the imagina- tion. To reduce this cooling problem to a mathematical statement we may say, the temperature of the fanner—and fannee— Will beas the power required to move the fan plus the moral effect of the pictures on the fan. As in matters of fancy our impressions are all comparative, we shall be most likely to imagine ourselves cool by contrast with those in hotter situations than we are. It was probably this contrasting effect that made Lazarus so cool about it when he saw the ex-railroad man begging for a drop of water to cool his parched tongue, The inference is plain that a fan should always be pictorially torrid. To contribute to the comfort of his readers, such a fan is now given away with every copy of THE Jupee. WHAT WILL HE DO WITH IT? When President Cleveland began to gal- vanize into official life the political corpses of Andrew Jackson’s bad old times, the country began to be permeated with the idea that this was not statesmanship, but arche- ology—as Vice-President Hendricks, we think, feclingly termed it. But when Cleveland put the ancient Keiley on his feet and started him on the tour of the world, the business began to get ghastly and spook-like. For this perturbed spirit not only rose from the dead past to sere our eye- balls, but he couldn’t be gotten rid of. No one would have Keiley. The admin- istration didn’t want him, but it dared not restore him to the tomb whence it took him. It is in the situation of the medical stu- dent in the tale who, having galvanized an executed murderer back to life, didn’t know what to do with him. The authorities wouldn’t take him and execute him over again, better; the corpse wouldn’t leave and the student didn’t dare murder him. — For the rest of his life that restored criminal was on the medical man’s back. We fear this Wandering Jew of Democra- cy will haunt the administration and the foreign courts of the world—until 1888. Then will begin one of the periods during which Democratic office-seekers shall retire from sight. It was only at long intervals that the Wandering Jew re-appeared, and those were always troublous times. SATAN’S VACATION. It is, perhaps, only reciprocity that the Great Adversary should suspend operations when the clergy are off on vacation leave, but unfortunately his work does not stop, while that of the clergy often does. Usually, it is a true metaphor which rep- resents your great enemy as a roaring lion going about seeking whom he may devour, but sometimes he doesn’t need to go about. | His victims come to be devoured. The common comparison for industry, “As busy as the devil in a gale of wind,” might have for its autithetical metaphor: « As idle as the devil at a summer resort.” A watering place is to the kingdom of evil what a protracted meeting is tothe kingdom of heaven—a harvest of souls. Of course, a New Yorker does not need to go to Brighton Beach to find wickedness. There always will be samples of the article lying around loose here. But if he wants to see Satan taking it easy and in his dolce far niente mood, the Isle of Coney is the place to interview him. He never takes his otium cum dignitate; no dignitate about him. He is strictly business, and though he seems rather an elegant satanic loafer, he is really getting in his best work at this outing place. If any of our Democratic readers feel dis- | posed to go down by the sad sea and help | relieve their party’s patron of a portion of his cares, they can feel the assurance that he will reciprocate by extra attentions when the busy season in politics and society shall have returned this autumn, Tue cavse of reform—unprofitablencss | or unpopularity of existing sins and abuses, P. M. Gex. Vitas refuses to appoint edi- | tors to office. | swim! How “we” apples do not ‘Tue Mormon problem seems to have been worked by addition and multiplication only, thus far. Why not apply the rules of sub- traction and division? Bren. CLeveranp, when you find an inoffensive partisan in office the whole country will help you kick him out, until he can’t tell a gum boil from a bunion, Mr. Jay Govutp disburses his benefactions in the same princely way in which he gob- bles up railroads and principalities, He has made the fortunes of Editor Keep by a large-hearted, open-handed libel suit. A scientist has discovered that water- melons contain alcohol. This overturns the good old democratic doctrine that water and whiskey are incompatible. Nature, like | religion, seems to have declared hostilitv to the Democratic party. Soutuern white editors who never ate a yam raised by a white man or cooked by a white woman, are discussing anxiously the problem, ‘How shall we help the negro?” For a change, the white man might try turn- ing in and doing one square day’s work. A Presidential Conundrum. President Cleveland is evidently discon- tented with the glories of chicf magistracy and longs to wear shochaplet (and bells) ofa conundrumist. He put this ‘sticker ” toa deputation of New York importers lately: “Ts not Buffalo money as good as New York City money?” ‘They all gave it up, poli ly, and the President gave thecorseoantwer! “Yes, by the Great Jehovah!” The administration evidently has come down from Jeffersonian simplicity to Jack- jsonian piety. If Brer. Cleveland will furnish as pat answers to all his conun- drums, THE JupGE will pay him space rates for them, and promote him from President to Humorist. comicbooks.com