Judge — July 4, 1885 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE LAY OF THE FIRE-CRACKER. THING f possibilities un nd great; The toy of helpless infancy —the lurid torch of fate; I watch thecoming holiday with deep and silent joy, When T shall swell the noise and din with every happy boy. Filled full of latent energy, that presently shall wake, Vl swell the song of triumph for old Freedom's b » | Before the cast bas crimsoned I'll awake the sleep: ing Jan And flash into s dreamy ease—a merry fire-brand, | How ly and guily will [ scatter life around! The cat shall flee, the dog shall how! with loud and mn sound, The fri | ba |} And horses danceand caper as thoy never did before ned housermaid bide herself bebind the ment dos Dost smell the loyal brimstone from the scarlet pps that lie and corner, | Oneve await the passer Doodle as in years lor it ran And [ willadd my chorus—fizzle—crackle—popple— I} bang | D.0.T, || My Uncle Sullivan. | ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAN WHO HADN'T BEARD | IT THUNDER FOR FORTY YEARS. When Theophilus Skimper decided that | his means would admit of his summering ou Hoxawottamie Tarn, it had not entered in- to bis calculations that his uncle Sullivan would care to accompany him. There were | This A THE JUDGE. when he was consul at Honolulu. the way they chatted: Uncle Sullivan. —“Well, my boy, how are you to day? When I was consul at Hono- lulu ”— ‘Theophilus. —“ P pretty well!!! than Uncle S.—** What's that you say about wells? Why, when [ was consul at Hono- luln "—— ‘Theophilus, —* How are you, to-day, you blathering old mummy, you ”—— Uncle Your “wife not well? Too bad, She needs a change; take her to the mountains. Why, when I was consul at Honolulu I alway Theophilus—* I'm going to ‘ta Moxawottamie Tarn, if you””—— Uncle 8.—“ I will, my boy, I'll go with you with pleasure. When I was consul at Honolu ”. It would have taken all the summer for an explanation, , carly in July, Uncle Sullivan, poor old ‘man, his nephew and wife, were snugly quartered in adjoining | apartments on the lake where they could | talk for hours without fear of interruption from the roar of the ‘busy marts of trade,” and where Mrs. Skimper could keep within all of her husband all the merry live-long y as long as she was in a quarter of a mile of Unele Sullivan. ‘Towards August some of the boys came up from the city to open a branch lodge. ‘They opened it so wide one night it was nearly daylight before they got it shut. And Uncle Sullivan, poor old’ man, went along to keep an eye on Theophilus, ‘The poor old man had gotten fuller than the goat he'd been riding, and tried to blow tanta on his ear trumpet all the way home. ‘This is what came of keeping an ye on Theophilus, The other sojourners 1 astrange lodge were similiary situated save Theophilus, whose heart began to get heavy as he drew near home. It was dark as pitch and ‘Theophilus began to. moan his hard fate; and to explain his wife’s cruel, nay, monstrous hatred for the lodge. Tnere was no telling what she would do, to him, or what he would have said about it, if the poor old man hadn't suddenly broken in with the Policeman’s Chorus from the ** Pirates ” to the following words:— When T was consul at Honolulu, Ho: time: well! pretty well! ! e her to or at a spectacle he had made Theophilus and the boys were fairly snorting by this time but. Theophilus was afraid to laugh as he valued his life, ‘The unsuspecting old man in the mean- time had never heard a word, of course, of the tirade of his nephew’s wife, and never dreamed he wasn’t in his own room. His silence enraged Mrs. Skimper, but not be- yond utterance. She fairly bummed with rage, and the torrent of her eloquent denun- ciation echoed and reechoed in the stilly night over theentire premises. It was the bottled wrath of three weeks. But Uncle of himself. Sullivan knew no more about it than a babe unborn. He was simply undressing as usual. By this time he had gotten his second wind and his robe de nuit and night-cap on. Suddenly he tuned up, and ina clear melo- dious voice which rang out in the night, eang:— When I was consul at Honolulu, Honolulu, When I was consul at Honolulu! Mrs. Skimper gave a shrick and a bound gained the hallway, ‘Then she shrieked some more, and gained the attention of the entire neighborhood. This was Theophilus’ time. He rushed out, dressed and spruced up, got abead of his wife and met her on the stairway with his traveling bag in his band and an air of perfect bewilderment on his face. With the entire household he proceeded to look for the intruder in his wif'es apartments. “He had to goto the city on a little bu ness, but if he had only been home he would have made the ruffian pay dearly for this outrage Not of any interloper was found in Mrs. Skimper’s room, thanks to the care of the boys, in the meantime. There was Uncle Sullivan in his own bed, snoring serenely. Mrs, Skimper looked confused. Her hus- band mildly suggested that she had had the nightmare. She flew into a passion of tears, and became hysterical; the other guests tapped their foreheads and looked at her pityingly. She was wild with fury and sus- picion, but she couldn’t say a word. And if Skimper has luck she'll never know any better. | times when Skimper found it impracticable lulu, to converse with his spouse in a fashion When I was consul at Honolulu! TOUS EAU DOCOCK. || pleasant to him and satisfactory to her. | But to his uncle it was as easy to be affuble ‘The effect was startling, but it was the | \ at 4a. M. lodge nights as any other time, old man’s last audible effort that night. a | for Sullivan Skimper bad not heard it Theophilus rushed and shuned him up- | hy thunder for forty years. stairs, and by a brilliant inspiration, pushed | a Uncle Sullivan carried a duplex vibratory him into the pitch-dark room where Mrs, | he and highly-refractory ear-trumpet, with a Skimper sat, ready for the fray, and quietly | ig mouth as comprehensive as the bell of Ga- went with the other fellows into the ad- § briel’s horn. When Skimper, jr., yelled “the joining apartment where Uncle Sullivan a top of the morning” at the top of his voice hung out when at home. Here Theophilus i till the top of his head was ready to come procecded to dress himeclf carefully. i off, four times over, with an encore, Uncle nilivan would smile, and look expectant. | 1 The last mosquito the old gentleman had heard was at Cape May in the cold_ summer ‘The poor old man backed up against the Istead, knocking sparks of fire from Mrs. Skimper’s eyes, caromed on the easy-chair, and sat di ith a tremendous concussion of °38, and every earthquake since had pro- in the middle of the floor. ‘Then he began | Hal voked him to comment unpleasantly on the to take off his shoes, not without sund inal “infernal little pests ” and to tell ‘an anec- smothered and incoherent oaths, while Mr 1a dote about the mosquitoes when he was con- | Skimper fairly humped herself in conve | ME sul at Honolulu, Indeed, he often said he | tion with him. She begged to remind him | cant } wouldn't mind how much they bit him if that he had never come home quite thi | aj | they’d only not buzz around and make such | drunk before; that she would get a divorce | ie a noise about it. from him the day they got back to the city hi Poor old man! Theophilus was his next of that he was a depraved and heartless wretch | ! kin and only surviving relative, and he had, toso maltreat the wife of his bosom; that | aan ' nobody else to talk to about those haleyon | she'd a great mind to call the house and let | he) 1 comicbooks.com