Judge — May 23, 1885 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. ON THE ROAD We had taken in a slugging match at Farwell Hall and stopped at a Madison Street oyster house for a bite of supper and a bottle of 's, before going to our rooms at the Potter House, known other- se as “The Synagogue.” Josh Brown swears he had satanized octopod served him, instead of the deviled crab he ordered, but whatever the cause he suffered from a cheerful colic and all the usual trimmings thereto apper- taining, throughout the night; and in consequence reported in the morning ‘ present but unfit for duty.” “This is hard lines, fel- lows,” he complained. ‘You A Cheerful, Inspiring and Successful Method of Discussing a Grave Subject by Proxy. dandy little box, hey, old) man, Ye _ And_here’s another that really Lined with pink gros. ined canton flannel, It imparts a bloom to the cheek of the deceased yanks the bakery. Du perceive. calculated to deceive the doctor and fill with joy the heart of the life insurance man. rand is very comfortable. It is stuffed with the quality of curled Did T understand you to say you would take a Well, you'll be glad to, presently.” By this time his nibs w neing with rage. He all but swore and tried to get away, but I collared him by the coat tail and started in on another round, “The next thing, if you two will be through with Chicago and ready to take in Milwaukee by the end of the week, and here I haven’t nearly done up my. trade. Won't you boys wait for me?” “Of course we will, old man,” said Cusby, “ but just the same I ought to be get- ting on.” An idea struck me. “I'll tell you what I'll do for you, Josh. I'm nearly through my biz and if you'll post me a little on your’ line and give me a list of customers, I'll go and work your trade for you.” Josh saw objections, and stated them, but I was confi- dent and Gius eloquent, so he primed me with pointers and presently Istarted out sample case in hand, The first undertaker I struck did a rattling good ade on the north side. Is Mr. Pallbury in the ” T asked the first man 1 met—a very sour and melancholy looking cuss he was, too. “Pallbury is my surname, young man,” he answered dismally, “what will you have? “Thank you, old boy. I never drink anything in the morning,” I answered, “ but Vl take a cigar if you have one about your clothes.” “* What's that, sir, I never—” “All right, don’t trouble yourself to send out for one, on chi T went rfully, ‘I can sell you the bill and smoke afterwards. — I nt the Western Union Coffin & Casket Co., of Philadelphia, ne in to show you our new spring styles in wooden overcoats. Have I your attention?” ‘The old chap apparently didn’t like my style. He started to say something to the effect that it would be good for my health to take a little out-door exercise about that date, when I interrupted him. “Much obliged, Mr. Pallbury. We'll go out together for that cocktail presently, but now I want you to look at these photographs which are all styles of recent French importation. Here is the ‘Opera’ coffin, for instance. So named because it is cut low in the neck and is done up in white satin and swan’s down. Quitea will allow me to change the subject, is shrouds, and that sort of thi Ilere is a very daisy. Get on to the quality of the m: —genuine At- lantic A re you. And you like’ the trimmin, on this line of fluting running from third base here out to And this other starting at the quarter stretch and coming in under the wire in good shape. Put that garment on the dear deceased and a smile of perfect satisfaction will o’er- spread the features of him, she, or it, who has gone aloft to push clouds.” This sort of thing went on wf an hour. Friend Ibury raged and stormed but without effect. From coflin. plates [ passed lightly toembalming fluid, praising, in fitting terms, Dr. Potter Field’s wonderful discovery, Then [ eloquently discanted on our “Calvary hearse, a vehicle which on ount of its perfect appointments and easy springs brings great though unexpressed delight to its fortunate occupant.” I think it was the hearse that fetehed him, fot this point he threw up the sponge, while I, though slightly dis- figured, was still in the ring. “Young man,” he wailed, “how much of an order will you take to leave me in peace.” This is about the proper thing,” I replied, presently, handing him a memorandum that [ had’ previously prepared’ for con- venient use in case of such an emergen sign that and you a free man.” He kicked a bit at the size of the bill—and it was a corker, too —but finally signed. Thereupon, highly elated, I bade him “Good day,” and returned to the hotel. When | began to spring the yarn on Josh he was in bed, but before I had finished he was up ‘and dressed. He insisted very ungratefully, though, that I had killed his customer, and here- after, colic or no colic, he would always be sure to drum his trade himself. LANG, SHE'S GONE Coup the morning that our Mary Rose to light the kitchen fire, Wet the wood, and imprecations Threatened consequences dire; ‘They reached the rink— But the kerosene was handy Mary went (perhaps ‘twas best) Where the wicked cease from troubling, And the weary are at rest thinkin’.” “THEY HAIN'T A RINKI Frestt from the farm the rural cou To note the varied wonders of the city The pomp of wealth, and poverty’s gaunt frame Evoked their admiration and their pi y ‘ay, Josh! let's go inside,” She said, ““ We'll give ‘em sev’ral points, I'm He bent his head and listened, then replied: “We can't, Jemina. gosh! they haint a rinkin | ONE'S RAVING. Once upon an evening dreary, came y | While I pondered, weak and weary, Came a dismal m er Floating through my chamber door. * Cats!” said I, and with swift motion, | From my carbine hurled a potion— Ha! I have a happy notion ‘That they'll caterwaul no more. comicbooks.com