Judge — May 2, 1885 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HE DIDN'T HAVE Grant, the br tell uw TO. Gener old soldier, As th Never ina never swore le battle Did be swear throughout the war. Well, th Hed wo cause for ripping Why should he ‘The other fellows did the swearing. sin Jencral ne'er was be (Grip. SUFFERING AFRICAN. ension of the xas female servant is assuming alarming dimensions. Last Sunday Matilda Snowball, who is em- plosed by a San Antonio family, said to the jady of the house Is yer gwine ter church dis ebening?” “Why do you ask? “Cause yer kin if yer wants ter, I’se gwine ter stay at home ‘myself. Dars five or six gemmans comin’ to spend de cbening wid me, und we don’t want ter be disturbed.” [Texas Sifting A FINANCIAL MANAGER. Mrs. Peterby, of Dallas, an with I have bou, ir at auction wort y 1 2 for it; so you sce I have &1 clear profit. Don’t tell me after this that women have no business sense.” “Do you need the rocking chair?” Mr. Peterby. ita beautiful 83, and [only | asked “Then what did you buy it for?” “To save mone} How could I have saved that dollar if I hadn’t bought it, stupid? ”—[‘Texas Siftings. ER THIN RATIL Gilhooly went into a restaurant on Austin avenue. “The waiter was a remarkably thin man, a sort of an amateur living skeleton. “What have you got to cat here? Gilhooly, looking at the anatomy. have roast beef, roast turkey, roast chic ie sters in every style, Irish potatoes, shad, mince pie—” “Got all that, have you? Then why the devil don't you put some of those victuals will take the wrinkles out of your ARING FOR BUSINESS ler—* That fellow was mighty particular, it seems to me. [was afraid 1 could not make a sale at all.”” Friend I noticed him going out, looked satisfied enough, I thought, did he want?” “Tle was after a life preserver, and I had a hard time to make him believe that those I had were sure and safe, but he ordered one at last.” “T thought he was satisfied. who he is, don’t you?” = who is he? “The new Secretary of the Nav [Philadelphia Rubber De: He What You know AN ORDER THAT WAS PROMPTLY FILLED. It was an e going individual on Water street who was noted for procrastination in all things. He had just received an order for lot of potatoes, and he was considering THE JUDGE. came upon elie scene with a lot of age . Wonder what we will fill. these bags with?” asked the merchant. “1 don’t know,” replied the boy, “ but it might be a good idea to astonish our cus- tomers once, and till them with dispate They were tilled. —[Pretzel’s Weekly. AN APPEAL TO NEWSPAPER WITS. Give us a rest on the old, old And let ust Let up on the plumber and mother-in-law, And the Hirting policeman —dot e something new; Let us hear no more of the brainless dude, Or the girl who devours ice-erca And put the husband who stays out late In his little bed to dream. Is there reason of rhyme that the Vassar girl Should worry the editors sot And the Grew s qquibs on the size of Chie Set Osear Wil Heis too, too <¢ worn-out jokes, decline to consider them fun [Philadelphia News. A STRAIGHT VERDICT. A coroner’s jury returned a verdict to the effect that a certain prominent man had died | of ‘alcoholism. “ Your verdict is absurd,” to the coroner. “Why so?” * Beet he was never known to drink.” That's a fact. “Te never went into a saloon.” “You are right.” Then w some one said he died from the we all know he all very true,” the coroner replied, “but the man who shot him was drunk. Don’t talk to me, if you please. 1 under- stand my business. “Descased was killed by whiskey. ‘exas Siftings. mountain towers toward the cloud, ler, ing s soul with wonder, The ocean roars like thu But when a w She fills ma ud, Tis then he feels how weak he How small His voi nd tame he be; + but a hollow sham When he contends with she. (ch —Do spiritualists write on rapping paper. [Waterloo Observer. cago Sun, Man want but little here bill owe, but wants that little paid.—[Whitehall ‘Times. he has Traveler, —The Prince of Wales is not polite air royal on his head,—[ Merchant —Of allt shick tions the Arabs have the most and French the most gaul. [Yonkers Gazette. Jeneral Wolseley has been joined by his wife and it is thought that the war will go on.—[Philadelphia Call, —If the pedestal of the Bartholdi statue is not soon finished it will be a matter of a base-meant.—[T. Siftings. —The victim of an ulcerated tooth will tell you there isn’t much sweetness in that kind of sore-gum.—[ Yonkers Gazette, —The difference between Pitsburg and the matter of filling the order when his clerk Boston girls is that the former have smuts | performan on their noses and the latter have specs. [Merchant ‘Traveler. —The sheep is regarded animal because of its fh not to be despised, for he as a valuable but the dog is has his fleas, too. [Boston Courier, he head that wears the crown * lies on ,” at the present time, if weare to judg. by the way the European monarehs are try ing to deceive each other.—[‘lexas Siftin —It is a little str: Mr. Marine Bank that he was in seine. hooked, that was all.— ce that the counsel for bh didn’t try to prove He hooked and was {Merchant Traveler, —One of Offenbach’s latest productions is entitled * Dr. Ox.” Surely it is for ‘opera bouf!” It is'said te and bully all the w —A correspondent writes to ask us what a holocaust 1s. The principle use of this word is to make an item about the burning of u stable read sorter high-toned. [Texas Siftings. —Austin, Texas, is overrun with burglars city authoritie: Id see to it that all 3 who are carrying on business with- out a license are arrested and fined. [Texas Siftings. —An exchat Istone has cut the royal f That’s nothing. There are members of the Texas Legislature who do that ever! and calla turn on them too.—[Texas Siftings. —Irish professor in chemistry —‘‘ The sub- stance you sce in this phial is the most deadly of all poisons. A single drop placed on the tongue of a cat will kill the strongest man. [E —‘ What shall be done with our calves?” asks an agricultural editor. Well, for one thing, we suggest that they be stuffed before they are exhibited on a bicyele. [Norristown Herald. —dJinks—* in 50,000 schools in Japan the English language is tanght.” Minks (a purist)—‘Indeed! Well, I hope the schools in this country will adopt the same custom.”—[Philadelphia Call. —The newest shopping or money bags are those lined with silk plush in olive cardinal. ‘The old-fashioned leather wallet, lined with greenbacks of large denomin: ations, however, still holds its own, [Boston ‘Times. got ak ‘Now, Uncle be, if you have anything on your heart, any last wish, sp out,” said Rev, Whangdoodle Baxter old negro who had only afew hours to live. “Tain't got no last wish ‘cept dat 1 wants ter get well.”—[Arkansaw Travel —Hello, Brown! Back from W ton, Ieee. What are your prospects? you see our friend a shake of his h thing e “a shing- Did ‘0, nothing but the shake.” [Philadelphia North American. “T’d never think of marrying a baseball plaver, Belle!” “Why, why not, my dear?” “ Becanse if he didn’t. reach morning before the I'd be put out.” home in the jock struck three times, —[Washington Hatchet. —Its de odd sarcumstance ketches de man onde hip. We ginnerally knows how ter han’le de sarcumstances whut ain’t odd, case we knows dar tricks, I neber wants ter box comicbooks.com