Judge — December 27, 1884 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

my THE JUDGE. The Inquiry. Nor Mackay’s, Teta me—ye old toper, that in the gutter lay— Know ye not some place; some saloon not faraway; Where they keep whiskey we can beg, buy, or borrow, That will not give us sucha head-ache on the morrow? The old fellow sighed, and dropped his face low; Shook his head sadly, and hic-coughed **) 1 me—ye old s¢ , with such a shining face— Know ye not a bar in some secluded place Where we can get some liquor that will not paint the nose With such a gorgeous color as the red, red rose? The old mumbled in a perpetual flow Thought for a moment, and answered ** Tell me—you gentleman with such a portly build Who, for the last ten years with lager has been filled— Know ye not some brewery that makes a kind of grog ‘That will not inflate us likean antiquated frog? The old beer-bloat sighed and looked down at his bow- Window; thoughtat E id blushed to Tell» theme your stu y tomake me str To bring my system hack to its norm Know ye not some wi To drive away this headache and save me from per- dition? The philosopher answered in a melancholy tone: “The only way | know, young man, is to let ‘the stuff’ alone.” ena Prizes Offered. Tue Society for the Promotion of the Difficult, and the couragement of the Impossible offers prizes for the following papers. ‘A non-scientific essay on sociology, which 1 contain no unkind cut at the dude. Spencer not allowed to compete). xX consecutive newspaper paragraphs, written anywhere south of the forty-first parallel, all of which shall successfully re- sist the temptation to be amusing at tne ex- pense of the Boston-girl-of-the period’s cul- ure, ‘An advanced essay, to be 1-ad vofore any mecting for the “elevation” of the “»gel sex, which shall not allude more than ten times to the “ glory of true womanhood.” A non-medical essay on the human cheek, which shall not drag in the book agent. A paper on Intemperance or Corruption or any other social screw loose which shall contain no ‘ growing evil” and no “ rising generation.” A two line newspaper paragraph, written on any subject lying within ten miles of Chicago, which shall make no mention of the Chicago girl’s foot, (If written bya son of St. Louis, the writer will get a return ticket and a bottle of Posey County “Illicit” free). A book twice the size of Webster’s Una- bridged, which shall give a clear and ex- haustive account of any financial question, and not leave the minds of ninety-nine in every hundred readers in a condition eight and one half times more muddled than be- fore they read it. A six line mention of any colored gentle- man of the South which shall contain no insinuendos on the subject of hen-roosts. A pampblet giving a description of any IC] modern “ paradise for the settler,” w —_ A CHRISTMAS GIFT. MORE THAN HE EXPECTED. shall omit to state that the ‘nights are invariably cool,” that the winter ¢emper- ature, though the thermometer “may oc- casionly fall” to forty or fifty below, is rather milder than the temperature of Charleston, S. C., owing to ‘‘ certain climatic conditions,” whereby the isothern ete. ete.; and which shall further omit to state that the said paradise ‘‘ only needs capital and emigration to develop its resources.” A newspaper paragraph on double blessed- ness, which shall fail to inform us how he came home after midnight under a damaged hat on unsteady legs, and muttered some absurd excuse in the thickest language; and how she was ready for him with a withering remark, or a broom handle, or both. A truly glowing and warm-hearted news- paper article on the preternatural sagacit the unfailing scent of the modern detective; the unquenchable honesty of the modern bank cashier and the overwhelming moder- ation and punctuality of the modern plumber. A village newspaper local item wherein a | lean horse can figure without being called a Rosinante. An essay on the question: “ Can Animals Reason?” in which the writer shall fail to mention that a gentleman, a friend of mine, who lived in the country, had a dog which ete. A traveler’s letter from Scotland, which shall contain no quotation from Burns. Same from Stratford-on-Avon which shall | not contain the whole bones epitaph. A newspaper paragraph touching on the | courtship of the modern youth and maiden fair, in which the old man’s boot shall fail to appear on the scene as a moving force. An agricultural address, which shall fail to lecture farmers on their “unscientific | ways,” and the necessity of “adopting im- proved methods,” bya lawyer or editor who can’t tell a jocky-stick from a corns! never learned the difference between a Jersey cow and a wheelbarrow, “X few remarks” delivered anywhere on any subject in which the orator shall, at the outset, frankly confess that he is not taken by surprise, that he is not suffering from a cold, and that he never in his life felt in better condition to do justice to the subject. MACKHOWLY. Tho Horse and the Ass. reworn Ass amountain pass, bi pressed to death with the load he carried, | And scourged and spurred where'er he tarried. h-bred Horse beside him trotted, ¢ breast with white and brown was spotted, Whose mane v shiny black, He bore no burden on his back, “Ab, woe is me loud sobbed the Ass, “ Bear half my pack along the pass, Have pity and help me with my load, My way is long, and rough my road.” “Help you!” the Horse with “Wh: I my skin to save } Get along! you insulting low-bred flunkey, “Tis plain you're only a crs ar replied, Soon under the burden the Upon the r The Horse k But Alas! | Your sack and pack, ¢ broke the Ass’s back. }-born friends will pass you by, If for their all apply, And should they meet you in the town, Will kick you if they find you down. BERNARD J. KELLY. J yous ‘THINKING of what might possibly happen as a result, the last election 1s said to have | made St. John’s mouth water. _ comicbooks.com