Judge — December 6, 1884 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. THE GREAT INDIAN ANTI-FAT REMEDY, Satisfaction guaranteed, or flesh refunded. Forty-three traveling clocks were given the Marquis of Stafford on the occasion of his recent: marri to Lady Erskine. If the happy couple can settle upon the exact time of the departure and arrival of trains by consultation of these forty-three time- pieces, they will put to blush the man who all his life has been trying simply to make the clock in the sitting room and that in the parlor strike at one and the same time. Snigglewig is a hypocrite. Finleather is a blunt old dog. Each hates the other. Snigglewig and Finleather met on the street the other day. “ Delighted to see you, delighted,” gur- gled Snigglewig with great empressement. “Well, I suppose I could return the com- pliment if I'd as little regard for the truth you have,” growled Finleather, And he passed on. So did Snigglewig. Old Lady (very much excited)—“ him somebody! There's a man fallen in the water! He will drown!” Bystander (very cool) — “Don’t alarm yourseif, madam. I know the man. He won't drown. Old Lady—* Can he swim Bystander—“ No; but he can’ Do not drive your piano on any galop all night, but allow it a few hours rest; so that it can go freshly through another twenty hours of the next day without flagging. Be careful how you try to play German and Italian tunes on an English piano that knows nothing about German or Italian. We bave seen pianos give out and suffer dcath by the operation. A piano can’t bear everything. If your piano shows signs of disorganization and weakness, you should give it something to tone up its system. You also might take the insides out and hang them on a strong nail on the shed for a week, and let them air and recuperate in the sunshine. The longer you leave them hang out the better. In playing the Anvil Chorus, do not bang the keys with a sledge hammer weighing over eight pounds and a half, or you might have to send it to the blacksmith himself; and if you find it has not the right pitch, you must pour more pitch into it, red-hot. In playing dirges always muffle the p wires by laying a folded cloth on them; you can mule it still more by stuffing a pillow in, and thus, of course, make softer music. ever allow a young man to lean on the piano while you sing and play. It has enough to bear, and then the singer gets forgetful. If a wire, breaks, havea longer and stronger one put in its place, it will last longer; and do not try to run the octaves up too high for fear they get stuck and you can’t get them down, nor too far down into the mud. Do not strike your operatic corn or bunion on the treadles, as it is likely to spoil the harmony. Keep the piano stool tuned, and if you find your piano is getting racked to death, think of us, A SILENT partner is one who makes no noise and leaves nothing. BinGs suggests that the fountain pen was so named because it never runs. “WELL, you're sold,” said one picture to another in the art gallery. ‘I'll be hanged | if Iam,” it returned. Monographs. POT-POURRI, ens and repentance are all the akin-pie has lost its bloom.) And our tho While the I's er at last, the (Lucky it comes We've slaughtered (How near we « Our Thanks: We've had a most From leaving this national feast; at once a year!) fatted beast, to needing a priest!) ld be sincere ww escape this time and eaten 1 vi ar arth for another clime. Gilt edged—counterfeit gold pieces. A tie in the house—when a wedding takes place. Large ears are said to denote g The mule is well heeled in this re Walt Whitman threatens to lecture in England. Here is exemplified one of the pernicious effects of free trade in a country. Olive Logan is writing a novel “just for fun.” We are anxiously waiting to hear what firm will publish it forthe same reason. Poisonous mushrooms are, as usual, get- ting in their unreconstructed work this fall, The man who ‘didn’t kne poisonous” is being buried in the a tomed large numbers. We are informed by a fashion paper that buttons are becoming wsthetic. For some time past we have thought buttons were more ornamental than useful, and that’s the reason we have worn shingle nails on our trousers, A Newark girl has a pet dog that drinks | applejack. Ie makes things bowl when he gets drunk, which leads the office-boy to remark that dogs, like men, should cur-bad | habits in their in-sip-iency. Old Lady—“ Gracious! Why Bystander — “ Because he comes from Cork Old Lady faints. y Man rescued by boat. Bystander grins. An Infantile Accident. “Great heavens, send for the doctor at he cried to the servant, it the baby, Yes; hurry girl.” “What's the matter, sir?” “ He's just cut his tooth, and I’m afraid he'll biced to death, An Impossible Feat. “T KNow I should make an assof myself, if I played that part,” he said when they pro- posed to get up an amateur performance. “Impossible, my dear sir,” returned the director. “Why do you think so?” “ Asses aré not made; they are born.” A Sure Sign of Fatigue. *« Jones must have be of intoxication last night. “Why do you say that? “T heard him when he came home. He stood out in the yard, talking, for a lon; time, Finally he raised his voice, and sei ‘Run, old fellow, the plumbers are after you!’ that aroused me, and I went to the window and saw 2 “What?” « Jones talking to the fountain,” in a beastly state Resorting to Falsehood. “Trat was a miserable subterfuge to escape the penalty of the law, wasn’t it?” “What do you mean?” “Why, you knew that Bangovski been arrested last week in Alexander, didn’t you?” “Yes, I had heard of it. that, did he get off free?” Yes; told the judge he was a Russian, and demanded protection in the name of the | Czar. had But what of comicbooks.com |