Judge — August 30, 1884 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Human Nature. EnSON has been arrested for stealin; entleman, meeting an acquaintance aw him just now going around with a constable, trying to get bonds.” “Well, I shall go on his bond.” * You don’t mean it.” “Yes I do.” “He must have done “No, I did him a and since then have h Had he done mea favor, it would now stand me in hand to keep out of his way."”—Arkan- saw Traveler. Say Whoa, and See. “Ts the horse gentle?” exclaimed the ow- ner of theanimal. [should Why, he is as kind and gentle n drive him.” “Willhedo what you tell him to?” asked the negotiator. “Do what you tell him to? You just say « whoa’ to him sometime, and see how quick he will stop.”— Drake's Travelers’ Magazine. Only a Crusty Bachelor's Opinion be any more marry ing in In rid old Judge Daniel: crusty old bachelor, “ Tow is that? just got married. * See the Legislature has bidding weak-minded persons to mar are the only ones who ever think of do- —Teras Siftings. sked his nephew, who has assed a law for- Might Go Further and Fare Worse. and Mrs. Greatheart were walking ont country the other day, when the wide- awake lady perceived anancient mule nibbling me thistles in close propinquity to 1 of growing corn, around which was no protecting fe “Why, what a ridiculous animal,” said Mrs. Greatheart; ‘think of it eating those briers when the corn is right at hand.” “Perhaps, my dear,” said the philosopher “the mule thinks that if it would go fodder it would fare worse.” Then the horrid man really grinned.— Washington Hatchet, Swallowing One's Tongue Is acertain salon the subject of conversa- tion was the different methods of suicide. A learned member of the company recalled the fact that slaves in antiquity strangled them- selves by swallowing the tongue. “That is a convenient kind of death, ” said alady, ‘and I would willingly adopt it in case of necessity.” “Ah! but that would not be death by strangulation,” murmured one of her friends; ‘in your case it would be death by poi- soning.”—Paris Morning News. Cheap Living. “Texto, Pat; I heard the company were going to turn you off?” “Eh! Fhat’s that fur?” “They can hire an Italian for less money. He can live cheaper than you can.” “« That’s not so, sor; I can live be me wits. begorra; and no man can live cheaper nor that."—New York Tribune. It Made Him Hot AN absent minded St. Louis parson asked adisconsolate widower whose wife he had buried the week before: “Well, Mr. Brown, how docs your wife stand the heat?” ‘They do not speak now.—Cincinnati Sun. A Whisper. “AN have been called to the ministr: “Well, I can hardly term ita ¢ they only offer me tive hundred aye Sort of a whisper, you understand. Arkansaw Traveler. Grounds for Divorce. Citizes Funnywag and his wife had dis- cussed railroad accidents the other morning for some time when he looked meditatively at the ceiling and exclaimed: ‘* By Jove! I believe | know why accidents oceur so frequently.” “Why is it, de "asked Mrs. F., encour- because the switch finds it hard to realize switch i: Washington Hatchet. ler often switch, ”— Moral Philosophy. “Come heah Gawge Washin’ton. Whaffur yo" gwine steal dem chickens?” sereamed an old colored woman to her boy, who was élip- ping around the house with something under his coat. “T nebbah stole no chickens, Who tole yo’ [done it? ” replied the boy, facing around and twisting his cout well toward his back. body done tole me. Cain't I see dem hanginn down behind yo" clos?” im, yo kin, but [ nebbuh stole um.” me heah. — I’se talkin’ to yo" now, and I wants to know how yo’ got um ef yo" didn’t steal um. Doan lie to yo? mammy, Dem chickens ‘longs to Ma’s Jone um in his coop yistiddy “ Dey's mine; I buye self.” um frum Ma’s Jones "d yo" git de money?” 'y, mammy, I tuck hit outen drawah wen he wuzn’t lookin’, ” “Yo° ain't lyin’ now, is shin’ton.” No I ain’t, “Well, . f I’se_ pow- abfal glad did’nt steal dem chic I’se been mighty keerful to fotch yo’ up right, an’ when I sce dem yaller laigs, [ wuz sho’ yo’ wuz fargettin’ my teachin,’ an’ wuz follerin’ in de footsteps of yo’ po’ ole foddah.”—Merchant Traveler. his yo’ Gawge ‘That was avery solemn though unconscious joke perpetrated by the Pottsville police on the Fourth, when they erected an arch over the entrance to the station house and painted “welcome” on it in very large letters.— Philadelphia Times. Tus is, indeed, a world of change. If you don’t believe it, count the number of dresses the women wear in one short day at the seaside. Boston Transcript. in the jails and prisons of New York, ‘This will effect the Cleveland vote not a little.— Hartford Post. Mr. Hebbleton, I hear that you | o rad mammy, I buyed um, sho’s yo | pose. at 0, No less than 15,690 persons are locked up | AN_unshaven, wild-eyed stranger, who looked as if he had seen better days, walked into a Tremont-street bar-room the other morning, and throwing fifteen cents on the counter, said: “Make me a gin cocktail, please, and have it stiff.” ‘The bar-tender proceeded with his task, and was about to add a little wormwood to the mixture, when the stranger stayed his hand. “What are you putting in that for?” he asked. “To give an appetite, sir,” replied the bar-tender, “Don’t, I beg of you,” hurriedly, nervouslyttwitchin “that’s my last fifteen cents! And a’ last-of-an-ill-spent-fortune look stole over his haggurd face, and his wild eyes looked wilder than ever as he tossed down his eye-opener and took his departure. —Koston Post. id the stranger his mustache, A little Austin boy saw his mother take off her switch the other day, and called out: “O, mamma! Let us take your scalp out in the’ yard, so that we can play Indians.” —Teras Siftings. A correspondent thinks because a gentle- man and lady exactly resembled each other in the color their evebrows and r that relatives. It would scem rather to t they employed the same bar- .— Graphic. ““Witere did you find that do Smith. ‘1 didnt find him; he came here on his own accord,” was the reply. “Oh, s. But then { had for. * Porgotten what Boston asked + Do you know like sour horse? pestered by to her youn, siders h Uncle John, why you are iy ‘Ha, who had been her avuncular relative in regard man. Uncle John (who con- fagreat fellow amongst the ecause I’m a little fast, I sup- Uncle John; '— Boston Transcript. Tov street? Policeman—* Do you want to ride or walk there?” Touri I am not partiular.” Policeman—‘* Natheram I,” said the man from the land of agrarian troubles, as he moved away with an air of supreme indiffer- ence.—Boston Globe, nist—“* How far is it to Berkeley —‘‘For ten years past,” said the new boarder, “my habits have been regular as clock-work. “I rose _on the stroke of six; fan hour later I sat down to break- fast; at seven I was at work; dined at twelve, ate supper at six, and was in bed at ate only hearty food, and hadn’t a sick in all that time.” *« Dear me,” said the Deacon, in pathet tones, “‘and what were you in for?” Andin the awful silence that followed you could hear the hash grate its teeth.—Brooklyn Eagle. 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