Judge — August 23, 1884 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Pain of a Poor Memory. Youne Five} . And in he evening he returned, Forgetting they were there. homas in the morning stuck upon a He sat him down all ¢ Wher With Secreted in his clothes. ickly he ven hundred t pains From this small rhyt Full plain! cal romance we may see, How very awful itis to + your memory — Washington Hatchet. Iv the days of old, when knights were bold, And barons held their sway The man who failed his lot bewailed, And tried his best to pay, nts br His property he hides away In some one else's name —Smmercille Journal. The Dude's Soliloquy. I ear the last new thin for a fellah to have his girl’s h sketched on his finger nails, and that he looks at it when he has a mind, Not a bad idea either, I rather want a way to decorate my fingaws; positively they won't hold any more rings. I think Pil try the dodge. Then if a fellah wants to look at his hands to see if they all right and so on, the fools can’t say it is for he does it, when he has his But a difficulty oceurs to me, could'nt have the same girl on every nail, and, of course, must have a gitlon évery nail. ‘Ten girls; that would come high. Suppose I must have it, though, if its the thing; a new touch, too, show a fellah your hand instead of your photograph book. Have all. your Is at your fingers’ ends. Not bad, eh! , When one of the girls wants to look over your nails and the other nine. Awkward that) rayther her nail’s then; wouldn’t do at all, the life of me sce how it’s to be done. Wear my gloves, eh? and only let out one finger at a tim Might be done, but not so as it sounds. Only chance of getting on a tight glove is to get your fingers all in ma bunch, Must think over the matter. Get the ten girls first, anyw or, I eit now! Why not one real girl and ‘ten bogus ones, that might be done. Think it o anyway. Wonder where the sketches are ? I suppose a manicure could put them Aw! Call round and enquin i nt_busines. Don’t Aw! I am gone out on Tshant y, if ‘any one ¢ important business—priv be in for some hour Ta-ta. The Dynamite Family. ‘Tis has been a most eventful week in the Dynamite family. Mrs. Dynamite has been particularly unfortunate in’ varions ways, but when on Wednesday night, her power of speech failed her, she felt that her cup was indeed full, and she intimated that she would be only too glad to give up the ghost, if she could thereby put an end to her sufferings. Mr. Dynamite had a full cup, too, on Wednesday. In fact he had eral full cups, and the result was he became decid- edly full himself, | which he fortified himself for the tenth time yy, | a Oe mock aT! New 1 To begin at the beginning, or, at lea begin where Mr. Dy » to mite began, we must go back to Wednesd: fternoon about four O'clock P.M. Then it was that Mr. D., on his way up town, met a friendly soul, and together they proceeded to enjoy a short but | convival game of poker. | ‘There was a good two hours to span before dinner time, and. Mrs, Dynamite and Mrs. “Friendly Soul” need never be the wiser, you know: But this calculation, like most poker p! crs’ intentions, failed signally. When six o'clock arrived Mr. Dynamite was some sixty dollars out. Ile therefore it let. me feet | dispatched a note to his wife, stating that some buyers were in town and that he should be detained by them until a late hour, after with a brandy and goda and went on with | the game. Mrs. Dynamite eat her dinner in silence, and made diabolical plots for revenge. One thing she ld do, that would be sure to make her husband furious and that was to sit up for him, and she inwardly resolved if he were not home sober and in his right mind at twelve o’clock, she'd give hima piece of her mind that would last him the rest of the night. But on this particular oce: mite’s calculation was as gi her husband's had been. Twelve o’clock sounded and no Dynamite. One o’clock came, then two, and Mrs. D., beginning to feel weak and sleepy concluded to fortify herself a little. On her toilet table stood a bottle containing some sort of a tonic that her physician had prescribed for her, and as this mixture had a pleasant taste and an exhilirating effect she thought she would take a dose just to wake herself up. At this | instant Mr. D’s, key was heard to click in the door, and in her haste to get to the stairs and see if he was coming up on all fours, she didn’t wait to measure the dose with a teaspoon but quickly withdrawing the cork she placed the bottle'to her lips and took a big swallow. Mr. Dynamite expected a blowing up. ion Mrs, Dyna- failure as msi VN | This he was but the shrieks that pier | ced his foot on the had not bargained for. The yells of agony that had kept growing louder, partial sobered him, and he made quicker time in reaching his bedroom than his condition un- der other circumstances would have permit- ted. On opening the door his nostrils were regaled by whiffs of the stron hartshorn and there stood the wife of his bi ing her breath, screaming like a lun lips were swollen 8 were what he id as red as the tradition ly boiled lobster, and her tongue, which protruded from her mouth, was in the same condition as her lips. She at. last manage to ejaculate between her shric and as the pitcher of ice-water stood in i | customary place on the table it did not take long to supply her She sank into a ¢ from her eyes, and and rocking herse began to grasp the situation. Mr. D., in her haste had snatched a bottle ammonia instead ‘allowed some of it about. of the tonic, hefore she knew Had she been | pitate in her move- ments, she would doubtless have smelled the stuff ere it was too late, and Dynamite has not yet been able to understand how the odor escaped his wife’s nostrils. of all others, to do such a thing. ” said he to his ‘Friendly Soul,” in recounting his adventures, “why if I take a glass of beer before noon, that woman will smell it on my breath before I get within a block of the house in the afternoon. Mrs. Dynamite keeps her own couneel, a well she may. She knows now what it is to have one’s tongue cleave to the roof of one’s mouth, and she has subsisted on milk and cold gruel for two days Dynamite is happy, but let him beware. She is nursing her’ wrath a as her mouth, and once her te wonted glibness he will be treated toa blow- ing up that he has never before even dreamed of. comicbooks.com