Judge — August 16, 1884 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Gives His Mother Dead Away. Tue minister called at the house of Mr. Snagwell the other day. “You are very comfortably situated,” gaid he to the Chris- tian wife and mother. ‘Your little place is almost self-sustaining; but, sister, where are all of your chickens? When last here I noticed flocks of them in the yard. “Yes,” replied the Christian lady, “we raised a great many, but they became so troublesome to our neighbors that, rather than give offence, we sold them.” “Very considerate, Iam sure.” “Oh, I cannot bear to be looked upon as an imposition and—” Ma!” called young Snagwell. “Yes, son.” “Did you sell the chickens was trouble Yes son; run along now.” ‘o, you didn’t, ‘cause I heard you tell pap that'the chickens all had the cholera an’ that he'd better take ’em down an’ sell ’em before they all died.” ‘The good lady imagined that the minister was not so cordial when he took his le: and shortly afterwards the boy had_ reason to believe that the mercury had gained an altitude of several inches.—Arkansas Trav- eler. ’cause they True Story With a Moral. Handsome Young Millionaire.—So you would like a position as companion to ‘my sister: ” Pretty Girl— Yes, my very best to give satisfaction.” “Can you sing?” “No; 1am sorry to say.” “You play the piano, I suppose?” “*No; I never studied music.” “Ah! Probably, then, you paint crockery or— “* It is needless to continue the list sir; I have no accomplishments.” “Indeed? Why, how have yon passed your time since you left school? ” At home helping mother. Pardon me for interrupting. said enough and—” Oh, do not say I will not do. If neces- sary I can pick up some accomplishments in a reasoanble time, I am sure.” You will not do as a hired companion, because you are entirely too good for the position, but if you will take half of my for- tune and me nit, I shall consider myself the luckiest man in the world.” She did-— Philadelphia C all. please; I would do You see— You have Where Was He? “Werk was your father last Sunday afternoon?” asked the minister of an unso- phisticated young lady, “He must have attended some lecture,” lied she innocently. Are you sure? I was not aware that here was a lecture given in town last Sun- day.” ‘«'There must have been,” said the youn, lady, ‘* for I distinctly heard him tell a frienc at six o'clock that he had paid seventy-five cents for cushioned seats in the grand stand, and that Mr. Somebody's delivery was just perfect.” —Scissors. re A MAN in Dodge City, Kansas, who is credited with killing thirty-two persons, is called ‘a sociable, good fellow, when he isn’t crossed.”—Boston Globe, Fetch and Carry. Two dog fanciers were discussing the re- spective merits of their brutes, when one of them said: “ Bull pups is no good, yer can’t learn em nuthin’.” «Taint fetch an’ carry anything. Why, I’ve got “im so he'll carry off a chunck uv raw beef an’ bring it back agin.” « Betcher he won't, ** Done, an’ here’ dorg.” ‘The money was put up, the dog was called and the meat given him, “Now, Tige,” said the owner, ‘ Take it out doors, that’s a good doggy, an’ when I calls yer, com in agin an’ show the gentle- man wot yer can do, ‘The dog went out with the meat in his mouth, and presently his owner called, “Tige, Tige; Fors ge,” and he came back wagging his tail and licking his chops. “Gimme them stakes,” shouted the other fellow, ‘I tole yer yer couldn’t learn a ball pup nuthin’. He hain’t brung it back.” **Go slow, mis! I reckon I'll take them myself. I didn’t say how the pap'd fetch that meat back, did 1?” “No, but yer sce he hain’t brung it. “Te hez, too, an’ its on the inside uv him, in course. Yer didn’t think the dang pup had sense enough to clamp on to a good thing when he got a chance, did yer? Bull pups is smart, I’m a tellin’ yer,” and he took his dog and the two dollars and sloped. Merchant Traveler. dolyer as backs my She Didn't Take the Ring. A youn lady who moves in very good society returned from the seashore yeste: ina Very indignant frame of mind. Sh made a call on a West Walnut-street family, and there met a half dozen girl friends, to whom she explained the canse of her indig- nation. ‘I was on the board walk about seven o'clock in the evening,” she said, *‘and a great, horrid man with black mous- tache said, ‘h’m.’ I paid no attention, and what did the brute do but turn square round | and say ‘I’d like to kiss you.’ Of course, I paid no attention, and then he came closer and said, ‘I'd give this diamond ring for a kiss,’ at the same time drawing a beautiful ring from his finger. * And did he kiss you, and then refuse to give up the ring?” queried the girls in chorus. “* Goodness sakes, no!” felt so angry and hurt that I walked ‘aw without saying a word. At any rate, th ring was a solitaire, and you all know thut clusters are the only correct thing to wear nowadays. “He was a beast,” said the girls ‘and was the reply. “I you were perfectly right.” — Philadelphia | Press. Ir there is any girl who doesn’t like to pop the question, even if it is leap-yea she can get around it by asking her young man if he’d be willing to fill in his name on her marriage certificate. — Yonkers Gazelle, SusmeEn is probably selected for the base ball season because there are an abundance of flies and bats; although, to be sure, there are more balls in the winter.— Washington Hatchet, ; I've got a bull pup that'll | | “Maud Muller.” [A Litre love story of youn nce to all narricd people and toll those contemplating matrimony. ] } Maud Mu Not in th stood at the close of day meadow raking hay; — But stood at the window lookin Said she, "He'll be home to-night, no doubt,” A bride of very short standing was she, A busy commercial traveler he, As she stood at the And a burden they window she saw ath “lal i With a fractured arm and a ¢ And numberless br was he that they carried, all senseless with had jumped too soon from a moving tn ton the head, they put him to bed. w did it happen?” she cries, Can you speak?” nswer sounds something like “dollars a week.” “Poor fellow; his mind must be wanderin sh “Doll a week,” pray what can it bet” With a clearer mind he speaks, though slow : ** Last week I took a notion to go “And insure on the Mutual Accident plan, A capital thing for a traveling man * And though there's no danger at present, my dear, Yet, were I to dhe, it is very clear One thing the U. S, Mutual would do, mely, hand Ten Thousand Dollars to you. “But here Tam And no occasion for sorrowful groans; imply with broken bones, “For the company The sum of Fifty I ives me, sure as T speak, Hars a week. “A lin Isa mitigation of ike that, you know, rief She wiped the tears from her weepit glad that dear hubby was not to ¢ And she loved all the more that thrifty man Who insured on the Mutual Accident plan. | Membership Fe $5,000 Accident Insur: demnity, $10,000: Tnsura Indemnity, at corresp Annual Cost about $12 for with $25 Weekly In- with $50 Weekly ig rates F TO BECOM Write for Circular and Appites when received fill out your a Blank, and appli inclose &5 at New York, on promptly mailed io and forward it to the Secretary receipt of which a po to you. THE UNITED STATES MUTUAL ACCIDENT ASSO'X, B20 Broadway, N.Y. CHAS. B. PEET, (of Rogers, Peet & Co.,) Pre’st JAMES R. PITCHE icy will be , SECRETARY, comicbooks.com