Judge — July 5, 1884 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Monographs. Ssyr Ur We met Mid laughter: You bet I chaffed her. Fun! RY But now We're married; I vow I'm harried. Done! —The sticky age—mucilage. ——What the sewing machine said when it skipped the stitch—Sew long vols are never silent, ‘san old sresume that is the reason so many persons talk in their sleep. ——* Yes,” sighed the man who had been out late the night before, as he tried to put on his in the morning, ‘‘I now agree with Democritus that the convenience of what we enjoy is more excellent than the largeness of 1 ‘There are four things in this world that you can’t make agree, no matter how you fix it—green apples and small boys, and two women, —A blush is said to be the complexion of virtue, and yet when we meet a man whose nose alone betrays his virtue, it is strange how sceptical we all at once become. When you see two women in close converse on a street corner, you can make up your fertile mind that a third woman somewhere will suffer for it. ——A_ Lowell rum-seller’s sign read “The Old House at Home.” This doesn’t seem very politic. Among a good many of his customers it must call to mind the Old Spouse at Home. “* Books are among man’s truest con- In the hour of affliction and trouble turn to them with confidence and trust,” seys a philosopher. Well, perhaps a philosopher can, but the ordinary business man who knows he can’t settle with his itors for more than ten cents on the dollar, doesn’t turn to his books with any amazing amount of confidence and trust. ——Chin—Going into the country this summer? Going to take a change of air? Pipes—Yes and no. We are not going into the country, but we’re going to move down into the cellar of our house during July and August. We can get a change of air and malaria there cheaper than away from home. Barber [cheerfully] —Warm weather, sir. Next {affably]—Perhaps it is up here— down my way it ain’t. Barber (encouraged ]—How does the ther- mometer stand down your way, sir? Next (caln ly]—Forty in the shade. Barber [really interested]—Good Lord! you don’t say eo! Why, sir, it’s ninety in this very room, Aint something the matter with your thermometer? Nezt—Thermometer’s all right. Barber —Well, your house then. Nezt—House’s all right. Barber (desperately]—Then may I ask, sir, where on the face of this glowing globe you hang out? Next [vindictive —Certainly—in an ice house. THE JUDGE. have yet.” Tales of My Grandmother. My grandmother was deaf, very deaf—so deaf that she had to use an ear trumpet. I remember an unfortunate mis- take being made, which caused the poor old lady much annoyance and inconvenience, and obliged her to part for a time with the aforementioned useful instrament. It hap- pened on Thanksgiving day, on which day we always went to dine with my uncle Abra- ham, grandma's only brother. Grandma did this yearly rite as a solemn act of duty. She did not like dining out. She felt un- comfortable when she was attended by another servant, instead of her own faithful John, and she hated Uncle Abraham's wife. giddy young fool,” she politely called her. Besides all this, grandma did not like my being thrown much in contact with cle A’s fair young daughters, as she always wished herself to direct the course of my love. In fact, she gave me often to under- stand that if she had not the privilege of doing so, it (my love) would not be allowed to run smooth. But I am digressing. On this special Thanksgiving day we sat down, twenty-five in number, at my uncle’s hospit- able board. ‘To insure grandma’s comfort an intelligent young footman named James was specially told off to wait upon her. James felt his responsibility and was out- wardly calm, but inwardly nervous and trem- ulous. Still all went well until grandma suddenly turned on him as he handed her a dish of tinned green peas. Grandma hated all things that she considered out of season. So when James handed her the dish saying, ‘* Peas, madam?” she thrust her trumpet into her ear with a defiant air, and shrieked, “What?” he terrified lad very naturally concluded it was a new-fashioned entrance SAVE THE CROTON. Lapy.— Have you given the gold-fish fresh water, as I told you, Maria?” Manta.—“ No, “ma'am, and why’ would 1? Sure, they haven't drunk what they to her mouth, and hastily poured a large and juicy spoonful of peas down the trum- pet. Oh! what a scene it . The peas were hot! grandma was furious! everyone was dismayed! James was dismissed! “And in spite of explanations and apologies with- out end, I do not believe grandma ever really forgave the outrage. Grandma’s deaf- ness was really a sore point with her. Once I remember, she thought she had discovered the cause of her infirmity. Uncle Abraham, his wife and daughters came to spend Christ- mas week with us. I was very much pleased at the arrangement, for I must confess I entertained a very warm affection for cousin Katie. Grandma suspected this and in con- sequence her eagle eye was continually upon us. But one morning we eluded her vigi- I purloined the key of her sacred closet, and with my three cousins care- fully locked in with me, went in for a regu- lar good time. We joked and laughed and feasted on the ‘dainty cakes” till we heard grandma's dreaded step on the stairs, and we all felt detection was imminent. Very silent we became; very cautiously I drew the key from the lock, and peeped and peeked and keeked through the \ohole. Yes, she came right up to the door, soliloquizing, “Where can the boy be? and where are those children? No keeping one’s eye on them. I should suspect they were in here, but Ido not believe they could be so quiet.”” Then she put her eye to the keyhole. Then I drew back. Then she put her ear to the keyhole. In tempting proximity to my hand lay a small tin of “powder blue,” such as laundresses use. I put some on a tiny shell, applied it to the keyhole, and blew it into grandma's ear. She started back at once, exclaiming, ‘Dear me, what a draught!” and we then heard her ascend to her own room, ‘This was our chance. ‘I'wo minutes more and the key was replaced on its proper comicbooks.com