Judge — May 31, 1884 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Thoughts on Old Maidenhood. Heian not no man will marry me, I'm an old maid, gainst my will, My one excitement from Easter to Xmas ‘A dun or an unpaid Oh dear, as I take out my finery land trail'd, tattered and torn nd spai twas worn m Shall T advertise? Ob gay ed, a husband, young, handsome and fair, ¥, generous, who Il take me to parties, Ignorant quite of my rouge and dyed hair Ww Men I have . sighed for and angled, Now “1 with children and wives; Ive p um of cheap weddi apots and jardi inkstands and knives v n tasted a piece of the bride cake, ared with the best man a pate fois gras Perhaps, if T knew, T came just too far forward That Tam sure was my only fans pas Mrs. SNonorass.—Mr. Snodgrass! Wake up, there's buei ¥ mastiff, or a St. Bernard is judger be the Mrs. Ansonom Wrrent, of Peoria, hag Heigh ho! if but some one would marry me most appropriate and partienlarly correct just presented her husband with eta; Hd be the most engaging of dears: and now t poor man would to know Andon the day that T gave up my freedom e shoe is improving with the broaden- what erank I rather be Wright than Vd weep the most orthodox erocodile tears of the boulevard be president.” _ Sane vow at fo is sometimes worn that ~ discloses to some extent the foundations of loveliness, and the movements of the com- plicated machinery of sweet little toes gri ping the pavements cause a fluttering in the dude’s entrails. I understand that it is not ¢ ntial in communications to Tur JupGe to be con servative. I therefore desire to make a few remarks on langua: New Yorkers have turned from the dia lect of thei immediate ancestors to a yawp vhich is a feeble revi f the ter and howl of the more remote chimpanzee and hyena. Why cannot corporations that pay divi- dends, like the elevated railway companies, afford to employ conductors that can speak the English tongue Idefyany Aw in, that has been brought up simply to speak the uncorrupted mother tongue, to un and the announcement of any station in New York by an Elevated Railway employee. This incoherency. is inconvenien| disgusting. A traveler in Italy not knowing a word of the language of the country can understand the name of every station as called out by the guard: the purpose of language in that benighted country being to convey information. Why, in the name of common sen too, should the boys who have librettos to sell, announce the same at the houses of amuse- ment as *‘bookseeawp! bookeeawp!” The English r isan unpleasant sounding letter, and we countrymen are willing enough that it should be exchanged for a metropolitan “‘awp.” But incohere 1] along the line of the alphabet is to be deprecated. And for one, L object to our national walk and conversa tion being based on the models of varie' show soubrettes and itinerant fish venders who begin words witha squeal and end them with a yawp. Hovsrnoty Hists. he is out, Ir is awonder that Job was not steeped in John, and [guess vou’d better order some crime—he was forever coming to a boil. more flour at the same time VERDANT GuuvpGnactous! = = comicbooks.com