Judge, 1884-05-17 · page 3 of 16
Judge — May 17, 1884 — page 3: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Page Analysis: Judge Magazine This page from the satirical magazine *Judge* contains several distinct pieces: **Political Content (top left):** A commentary on Democratic Party strategy, suggesting Democrats cling to their "old ticket" as a last hope. The satire mocks Democratic resilience—if their current nominee fails, they'll simply run another candidate in four years, repeating their mantra "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." **"A Kiss" (center-left):** A humorous poem about a man's persistent but unsuccessful attempts to obtain a kiss from a woman, until he succeeds by catching her off-guard during a drowsy moment. The punchline reveals she allows it only because she's unconscious—yet paradoxically accepts his gloves as payment. **"A Sad Case" (right side):** A comic anecdote about a Cincinnati juror so terrified of the defendant that he insists on a guilty verdict *before* entering court. When the judge reveals the trial concerns only petit larceny (minor theft), not murder, the juror becomes so embarrassed he emigrates from the country. The humor relies on exaggeration and absurdist logic typical of late-19th-century satirical magazines.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
many prominent Democrats regard the ‘‘old ticket,” as their last c' If they let go that, th rgue they are gone forever. But even if the old ticket should prove unavail- able, Democracy will die fighting, it will have some sort of a ticket in the field to make a race with the Republican nominee and should that fail (there is always an if in politics), there will be another ticket put up vain four years hence to the tune which Democracy nee. been singing for more thana score of years, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again. A Kiss AND HOW 1 GOT IT T nap sought it with b teasing, Thad plead for it, scolded and flouted; I had tried to look cheerful and pleasing, Thad sulked for it, snubbed for it, pouted; Thad tried to secure it by seizing Yet ‘till yesterday I was without it She is handsome and stylish and bonny, She has eyes like a daughter of Italy; She's a manner as sweet as fresh he can swap repartee very wittily. I believe she’s a tritle of money But she keeps you your distance right prettily. I've asked for that (In the same house up-town we are “ve frequently her warning isses grow stale by long hoarding; in the mornin; poarding,) ir scornin Such favors she was not according. I've asked for that kiss in the twilight, The sweet, solemn hour after dinner; I've thought, as I saw her dark eye Not much. A quick quip, or reply Proved how little true passion was in her, One day I attempted to snate And then she got mad—or pretended! Ob, Jupiter! how T did eateh it! What anger and scornfulness: blended Her tongue cut as deep as And her tlow of invective was splendid. And yet I have won it On a lounge f was ealr Enjoying the post prand Men take when the long day is closing, Her sweet lips swept over me kiss-w You see, the dear girl thought me In this wise |v reposing 1 bliss wise She'd never have done it, unless it Arose from the beautiful custom loves are so won—custom blessed, lovers when glovers will trust ‘em. I seized the bright chance— I'll confess it— weet lips and I bussed ‘em a circumstance only we two know, And she cannot attempt to deny it; Jirls are odd about some things as you know, But in this case she can’t make She may put on the airs of a Juno, But she's wearing my gloves on the quiet. 0. , sEior. riot 38 are only five cents adozen at Jewett, and when a hen lays an egg there she just gives a little apologetic cackle as who should say: ‘Excuse me for mentioning THE JUDGE. A SAD CASE. Rogers says he will tall lady that ap 2. ‘The tall mai A Frightened Juror. ‘or heaven’s sake, don’t bring the pris- oner in not guilty,” exclaimed the terror- | stricken Cincinnati juryman to the foreman | the juryman in frenzied ton as they descended the stairs to the court- room, but the other eleven were obstinate and they dragged him resistingly along. “Do you find the prisoner guilty or not guilty, gentlemen of the jury?” was asked after they had reseated themselves. “Not guilty,” responded the foremanr. ‘*T protest,” cried the dissenting juryman, rising excitedly from his se: “T find the prisoner guilty of murder in the first degree —with no extenuating circumstances.” “But the prisoner was not tried for mur- der,” remarked the judge with a good hu- mored smile. “This is merely a case of petit larceny.” “Never mind, let him be hung,” yelled If that unrighteous verdict is allowed to stand, our lives won't be worth a rushlight after we leave this building. 1 shall emigrate from the country.” And he did. That night he hastily donned a disguise, fled from his own bed and board, and took to the woods ; and his wife now mourns him as one who, though | forever lost to sight, will still remain to and then picks up a few grains | of corn in the same deprecating manner that the dry goods clerk seats himself at the | dinner table when he is about four weeks in arrears for board.—Philadelphia Call. memory dear. It is supposed he took the first steamboat to Europe. F. ev. Mi the offic in Columbu: Lomick, the evangelist, clergywoman at a wedding ., last week. “Tis well. If woman can tie the matrimon knot as firmly and gordionically as she can tie the immovable knot in a boy’s necktie, never a thought of divorce will follow the marriage service which she performs.—Burlington Hawkeye. 3. But young Rodgers was so very short that she obtained only @ birdseye view, and she escaped the fatal masher, Jen passed on. A Study of Faces. Mu. Inow MacOpric, when quite a youth, spent several years in France, and while in Paris made the acquaintance and sat at the feet of Delsarte. Perhaps you do not know Delsarte may be. If so, never let MacOptic suspect it, for you would lose caste immeasureably in his steel blue eyes. But perhaps you do not know who MacOptic is. That would be a case of even grosser igno- rance in his eyes than the other; for highly 1s Mr. MacOptic esteems Mr. Delsarte, he esteems Mr. Mf ucOptic more highly still. He is tru till young in the sense that great men never grow old; he is quick, nervous, highly strung and im: pressionable. He is also inventive. He has invented a theatre chair which no one but an acrobat can sit in, and he has written a lay of which none but a few modern Jobs have ever witnessed the final curtain. And he has introduced the Delsartian system into this country. ‘The Delsartian system, as the intelligent reader m: ave surmised, is called after its inventor, Delsarte, our hero’s Gamaliel. While sitting at the Delsartian feet many years ago in Paris, Mr. Iron MacOptie im- bibed the rudiments of the Delsartian system, and introduced it, perfected and sublimated by his genius, into this country. According to the theory of Delsarte, as expounded by MacOptic, language is wholly unnecessary. ‘The tongue is useless e@ at meal times, when it serves as acorollory of the palate, and facial expression is all that is necessary to carry on a most elaborate conversation. MacOptic says all this, though. ‘To be stent with his theory, he ought to be content with looking it; but then, the Del- sartian system is still in its infancy, and a lecture ‘on facial expression, delivered by comicbooks.com