Judge — April 26, 1884 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. ONE DAY WITH A NEW UMBRELLA. “Thi carried and left bi this will the rain.” * For once in my life 1 feel the independent s« tion of carrying a new brella—all my own,” gone the betther, and he wudn’t even let me have the comfort of abusin the Mrs., for he didn’t let me see hcr—so we parted and I tuk a month's wages and wint home to Shady—but jist as I was goin out of the dure I cot site of the Mrs., and if I didn’t ive her a slanging lave it alone. g In the next issue of the New York Herald the two following advertisements appeared: A tapy of experience in culinary art desi re-engagement; any person desiring to secure her will please call between three and four Pr. M. to: morrow, bringing character from last cook, and stating terms, which are an object.” ‘A Lapy wishes to find a first class cook, whom she will do all in her power to make comfortable Terms unexceptional, Perquisites unlimited. No ard to hours, follo et ccept the situation will be waited on at her own bome any hour she may appoint. Logan's Lament. We never speak as we pass by— Me to Jim Blaine nor him to I; Twixt us there floats a cloud of gloom Since I have found he’s got a boom. We never speak as we pass by, We simply nod and drop our eye, Yet I can tell by his strange look ‘The reason why he writ that book. We never speak as we pass by; No more we're bound by friendly tie, The cause of this 1s very plain— He's not for me; he’s for Jim Blaine. —Chicago Neve. Unanswerable Logic. Aw Austin mother was very much di couraged at the dirty condition of her boy cap, when the children came home from a walk. “How did you come to get filthy?” angrily asked the mother. “A boy pulled it off my head in the street and threw it in the mud,” “That's not so, ma; he threw his cap in the mud himself,” interrupted his little sis- ter. “Well, I’m a boy, tl? Iffama girl I'd like to know it.”—Tezas Siftings. ur hat so i erve to keep of / DINING ROG AY I'l bet Smith amb Y Ha b stead, than the other, 1 folks would be more care- ful.” me But “Next rainy row an umbrella, me right, for ay I'll bor nipon thesly after T had sworn off.” ‘Diary of Patrick O'Callahan, Car lady for?” Conductor. April 1st.—Iver since the passige uv the Roosevilt bill Maggie, me wife, hasn’t takin the intrist in the dhiary that she did at fur- an’ now that the poower has been in a misure removed from the Aldhermin at arge, in the coorse of convairsation, she doesn’t allude so frayquintly to her sister’s furrust cousin’s husband. ‘This is a raylafe to me moind, but it bees bad for the dhiary, fur I havn’t the eddication of Maggie on the shpellin an’ the roitin do worrit me moar than do the ringing oop the fairs on me own cair. Howsomiver, I tower this marning wid a clair conshins an’ empty shtomak, detairmined that no wan shud mak a fool uv Pathrick O’Calla- han. I remimbered the pledge and tuk acup of hot coffy for me brikfuss, It bein’ Lint, Maggie has bin moar shparin than iver uy the grub, an’ I’m gradooaly growin toashadow. If things kape on in this way much longer, the giniril public will begin to think that me cair is governed by aspiritoral condhuctor intirely, for Path- rick O'Callahan will soon become invisible, bad luck to the salt fish wich is me daily food. Will, as I shtarted in for to on this the furrust day uv April, I detair- mined not to be made a fool of. Down at the City Hall—just as the dhriver changing the horses, their shtepped upon the rare platform a lady and at the same toime thare intered by the frunt door a young man. The two tuk their sates furninst wan another, and all uv a suddin I saw the young blaggard uy a man acasting shapes’ oyes at the gurral. Thin an owld man intered, and my attintion was divairted for the toime bayin, Purty soon I notissed moar moshins and insinnivations on the pairt uv the young man, and oi also noticed that the garrul didn’t seem so aneyed boy his attinshions as she did whin they furrust comminced, . Nixt, the ould man begun to notise how things war a goin’, and thin he tuk a hand in and wint for the young wan. ““Fwhat are yez an eyeing that young foarth on me Fwhat’s that to you?” sez the young good dale,” sez the ould man. “Oi am an Anthony Comshtock society fur the previntion uv chruelty to childarn man,” sez he, ‘‘and Voille nayther sit nor shtand bye and say a lady insulted.” “To hill wid Anthony Comshtock and the soci sez the young wan, and wid that he dealt the ould wan a hit in the lug that made hi 3 toime of was a doing something for me counthry too,” and wid that I shtruck out wid both fusts to the * to the lift uv me. garrul she yilled, the dhriver shtopped the cair, and soon wan uy the finest shtepped aboord and sez he, ‘‘fwhat’s all this row about, envhow? “Will,” sez oi, “here's a young man a insultin of a young lady ia me presince oi was a troing to inforce me prerogative,” sez “Fwhat lady but wan, and she is a crying in her husband’s arums,” sez he. I thurned“and looked, and the soight I saw froze the marrow in me boanes, fur there war the two uv ’em fwhat had bin the cause uv all the commoation, a kissin and a huggin befoar all the assimbled multichude, Hev yez no daycincy at all,” sez oi. “He's me own husband,” sez the gurrul, “and who's bizniss is it, if we’s hed a quar- rilan thin choose to make it all oop agin?” “ Begorra, i'll hev no me cair,” sez oi, ‘an I do: beez.” “Tind to yer cair, “and collick yer {a tongue,” sez he. Bedad his advoice was good, and it’s sorry Tam that I didn’t take it befoar he gave it to me—for while he was a shpakin a dhirty little shpalpeen uv a missingarr boy lept out onto the rare platform and, grasping the bill rope, rung up foive fairs'on me befoar oi cud lay me two hands on him. Wid a bound ‘he shprang to the sidewalk yilling at the same toime loike a young leprachaun, “April fool! April fool!” ach goings on in it cair who yez ” sez the young man, rs and howld yer comicbooks.com