Judge — April 26, 1884 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. “Who Turn Dat Hog Loose.” Atacertain hotel in Peoria, where the meals are not always what they should be, a merchant traveler, one day, sat down to the table, He put a dollar under i atumbler, and, calling a waiter, ss “Do you see that dollar Jim? “Yes sah,” replied Jim, with a grin. “Well, now Jim, I want you to get me a real good first-class dinner. You under- stand?” « Yes, sah,” and Jim ing a feast fit fora king. He had no time to see to anybody else. He hunted up new dishes, put extra touches on everything, and kept his eye on the dollar. Finally the M. T. finished, and, wiping his mouth, at Jim. “Yes, sah,” pation. “Jim, do you see that dolla his hand on it in a generous way. “Yes, sah.” «Well, you will never see it again,” and it went into his pocket and out of the intae room, while Jim indignantly remarked; Fo’ de Lawd, who turned dat hog loos heah?”—Merchant Traveller. et about furnish- wink grinned the darky in antici- putting He Wanted Soap. A comMERCIAL traveler happened to be caught over night in Wilmington recently, and put up in one of the numerous peac box ote in that town. In the morning he arose and proceeded to ablute, when he discovered that that there was no soap on the washstand. He rang the bell, and ina few moments a dusky servant answered his sum- mons. “ Bring me some soap, The servant went down soon the proprietor came up. “What is it you want, sir?” he enquired. “T want some soap,” answered the mer- cantile man. “Soap, soap,” repeated the proprietor. “Do you mean soup?” “No, damn it, I mean soap,” the traveler, irately. “T beg your pardon,” said the proprictor humbly, aut T don't think we've got any. I never heard of it before, but when you come again I will try to have it for you.” Is —is it usually fried or boiled?” ‘The commercial man’s remains were sent home in a box.— Washington Hatchet. aid the traveler rs and pret responded Ivy a man has other qualifications to with it, it is a good thing for him to be honest.—New Orleans Picayune. ALWays pass the fruit to everybody else before helping yourself. Common polite- ness will induce your company to leave the choicest specimens upon the plate, when you can eat them without exciting remark,— Boston Transcript. Susan B, AnTHony thinks she could have stopped that Cincinnati riot if she had been there. Her plan, we believe, was to ive the crowd twenty feet start, and then Aeclare that she intended to catch the hind- most man and marry him.—Philadelphia Call. Mrs. Frirtasout has learned to take things philosophically. When she was told of a letter, fall of love, that her recreant spouse had written to a strange fair one, she said, ‘‘Ha! he used to write just such letters to me before we were married. He doesn’t care anything about her.”—Boston Transcript. Dip the poet refer to the lady’s maiden name when he wrote, “ When, Music, heav- enly maid, was Young? ”—Merchant’ Trav- eller. OrreRinG candy to an elephant is like offer of marriage to an old maid. S turn up her nose but she accepts it a same.— Philadelphia Call. Dr. Ort has learned that the rattlesnake’s tail makes 60 vibrations per second. — It is a shocking waste of energy on the part of the snake, as 10 vibrations would s man just as much.—Boston Post. A NEIGHBORING paper, reporting a recent social, The opening piece was ren- dered by a mule quartet.” ‘Che reporter wrote it ‘male quartet,” but the compositor knew better.—Oul City’ Derrick. A PEW sago Kalamazoo, Mich., was not even staked out, and only last week a citizen of that place failed in business and scooped eastern creditors for over $140,000. Such is progress and civilization.— Boston Post, Mary ANpERSON has made nearly & during her London engagement. If other girls would only follow her example and lay up something for their future husbands, during their engagements, there would be fewer matches “broken off. — Philadelphia Call. “Ty tearing down a house 150 years old, in Rhode Island, lately, the workmen found af tobacco and 100 old-fashioned ‘This would seem to indicate that at one time cigars were made of tobacco.— Philadelphia Call. Miss Annie Hvuoaur is one of th ers in the Salem ladies’ polo team. Dis the “rusher” of the club, when the captain calls out, ‘Now Huggup,” it com- pletely paralyses the young men in the op- posing team.—Brockton Enterprise, A LAaby reader writes to say that she has been losing her hair re ntly and wants to know what she shalldoto prevent it. Either keep your bureau drawer locked or else di charge the hired girl and get another of a complexion differing from yours.—Rocklanid Courier. Lawyer B: K was in his us cynical mood. ‘I don’t see bow it is,” he said, “that the devil always scems to ge ad ¢ the Lord, notwithstanding you say the Crea- tor is all powerfu “Ah; but you forget, replied the parson’ ‘that the devil has all the lawyers on his side.”—Boston Transcript. Tue sacred elephant has arrived, He is very reticent. He doesn’t care to give his impression of America until he has ascer- tained what the country is going to do for him in a material Heis a very discreet personage, by the by. He declined to trust his trunk to the tender mercies of the bag- gage smasher.—Boston Transcript. “Yes,” said the caterer, ‘‘ business is a little dull at present. The entertainment is closing, and it is sort of between hay and grass with us. We needn't be idle, however, for we can employ our spare time in putting up summer goods.” “Indeed. I didn’t know that there anything in your line tha facture so in advance “Oh, yes; we can put up summer picnics.” —Somerville was ndwiches for Journal. “1 WOULD not live always, I ask not to stay." We do o: wonder, with such a cold as yours, but there is a bright side to everything, and sunshine even for those racked with pain. Dr. Bull’ Cough Syrup never fails to cure the most stubborn cough. ford Post. Ir is strange that some one did not dis- perse the mob in Cincinnati by proposing to take up a collection. — Norristown Herald. thanks the woman in arty amen. Wueneven a man says he Lord that he hasn’t a wife, eve the land should respond with a I —Merchant Traveller. Tur Hartford Courant mentions that ‘a boulder as as arock” fell on a railroad track. How big is a rock, anyhow?—Phila- delphia Bulletin. No, Lavra, no, They donot “open the campaign with a can opener.” ‘They do it with kscrew, How little, alas, do women know about politics!—Burlington Hawkeye. In Iceland the nights are six mont long, and when a young man hears his girl's father and whang the furnace at half- gins to think that it is Detroit Free Press. fo down pout time te enten season has no charm for the hen. Even the fact that her eggs bring fancy prices cannot console her for the loss of whole broods of little yellow chicks, slain to work up into idexs.— Pittsburgh Chronicle Telegraph. ka- his three A WEALTHY citizen of Dunmore. wana county, died recently, leavi sons only $5 each; and, small as the bequests are, special police have been sworn in to keep the peace until the boys spend their money.—Hoston Dost. Mr. Hersey Quitter has renewed his offer of marr » to Miss Fortescue, to whom he was eng the Lord Garmoyle a salary of 8200 a perfectly justitied.—/art- HIRES’ IMPROVED ROOT BEER recetptof Be, ¢ Hue Ean SHERWOOD & CO. wiLAMDEaRD. | agit any ‘i “ WEAK AND UNDEVELOPED PARTS OF THE HUMAN BODY ENLARGED, DEVELOPED & STRENGTH. ENED, ‘ haper, GOLD MEDAL, PARIS, 1878, BAKER'S Breakfast Cocca. bsolutely pure m which Dw excces of nourlslung, digested, and. avalide as well as for persons tn health. Sold by Grocers everywhere. R & CO., Dorchester, Mass. comicbooks.com