Judge — February 23, 1884 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE CAUSE HURT. Civil Service receives its first hard knock at the hands of Sec. Chandler. A Pitiable Case. Hercu.es HALLIBURTON writes: Dear Jupce.—I have 8s been most romantic temperament, and from earliest childhood it was ever my deare: wish to be the hero of some romance. I did not object to its being one of a painfal natur in fact, the more harrowing it was to the feel- ings, the better, I felt I should like it. Why should our most cherished hopes always be doomed to blighting and disappointment? I never had a love th ted my heart and life away in hopeless consuming fire. I never loved a dear gazelle that was sure to droop and die. On thecontrary, my only two pets, so called, viz: a guinea pig and spaniel, both lived and still live in a state of age, imbecility and unpleasant infirmities, which render the thought of romance in their life or regret for their death utterly impos- sible sentiments. I wish they would droop and die. In my early manhood I learned to look languishing, to quote Byron, and to caress an incipient moustache. I changed my name from odious, commonplace Billy Snooks to refined, euphonions and aristocratic Hercules Halliburton. I bought a lock of hair at a hair-store—a lock of golden hue that softly curled. I purchased a sweet girl face at an eminent photonraphiers: I had both enclosed in a jewelled locket with ‘ H H.” “Thine ever thine,” on the outside. I wore it on my watch chain and wandered on the sea beach by the hour, murmuring, “ My love, my Evangeline,” though I never knew alady of that name. I know I attracted much attention, as I often saw the passers-by glance at me, with interest and com) n I thought, until one day a lady called on me to implore me to join the blue ribbon army, as it really pained her to see a boy of my age in so constant a state of inebrity, and she and her friends often talked it over. I saw ocker THE JUDGE. | | at once they had no souls, save for material ‘things, so I took my locket, my guinea pig and my spaniel and fled. I felt they would now be my best carthly comforters. My landlady, sordid wretch, claimed, nay clam- ed, for the filthy lucre she considered her so I left her suddenly, drawing a roman- tic veil of mystery over the place I intendec to be my destination. I, of course, was driven to return to the embrace of my mater- nal relative, resumed my former name, and lent my aid to h cr odious “ profession of sausage-make or months Lassisted in the preparation of pork all day, and at night wandered through the streets engaged in the pursuit of cats!) Oh! what a life for me. Then, at my mother’s stern command, I made Maggie Blair, the green grocer’s heiress, my She was fat, red haired, and, toa soul like mine, altogether material and repulsive. She ruled me with her strong will the locket with my Evangeline portr: kept me still hard at work at the sausage. “rom this life I have fled, taking with me all the vile dross on which her affections are placed. That and my imagination are now my solesupport. Recommend meto some and lovely being on whom to fix my y ing soul. Make me the desperate love lorn being I would be. Infuse this romance into my life, and you shall hear the history of its every beat. e., as long as it beats. Permit me, Mr. Junge, to subscribe myself yours with a waiting heart. HERCULES HALLIBURTON. Tue letter ‘‘e” is a criterion for young men. It always makes a huge thing out of a hug. Ir is said in the piece of ‘ Mary’s Little Lamb” that the teacher drove the sheep out, but it has since been proved beyond a doubt that they are fond of ‘‘lams.” | You d: | burglar who mig Lines to my Love. BEING THE WILD WESTERN REPRODUCTION OF TIE AMATORY PORTS OF THE DAY, Oh lovet My love, I could bust your wizen, In the howling craze of I could tear you asunder from deck to mizzen, And roast your soul in a raging fire. T could yank your heart from your jumping bosom, And drown out your life in If I had a million lives I'd loose ‘em, For a whooping whack at a fire-frin J chew your ear till the flashing the crash of a k in glee like a railroad whist to the gh wild eyelor ig bon T could swallow your breath like the toper swallows The flery flagon of rot-gut ry I could wallow in love as the hot bog In the pliant depths of the t I could snatch you bald in a holy minute, And yell like a Yahoo to hear you squeal T could peel your hide from ye With fiery spike to your bulg Ob yes, I could hu; An kyard sty. head and pin it g heel. you, and kiss you, and kill you, y mad passion I'd never subdue ightful old liver-pill, you I'd make you believe I was only too true, Mr. Spilkins’s Dilemma. Mus. Sprikrns had become greatly alarmed at several robberies which had been com- mitted in the neighborhood of 1: and in- sisted upon her husband’s buying a dog to rd over the premises at night. ‘None of your terricrs or poodles for me, Mr. Spilkins,” she impressed upon her hus- band. “I want a big do; Very well, my dear,” he assente nd aide his appearance in the after him a ferocious mastiff, with an enormous brass col- lar around his neck, to which was attached of chain cabl id Mr app think he will, my ve. “He has killed half n. and swallowed any number of other dogs wh: Upon that recommenda- Wn bt him, the hous “Tt is, aid Mrs. S., in a satisfied tone. ented her husband erity with which that noble beast would convert’ into mince-meat any t venture in here would be truly edifying. The followin tended a politic: as he should not he said, he told hi: evening Mr. Spilkins at- meeting down town, and, turn home until quite late, wife to go to bed and not sit up for him. uring her that with such a protector as wsar”” in the house, she need feel no anxiety. At about two o’c Mr. Spilkins ascended his doorsteps. The meeting of course had not lasted that long, but on the way home, emboldened by the thought that his wife for the last three or four hours would be peacefully snoozing in bed, and conse- quently in a state of blissful ignorance in regard to her husband's whereabouts, he had called in to particular friend, where the festive pleasures of cards, wine and cigars (strictly forbidden him at home) had detained him until near the aforesaid hour. Still it was with considerable care that he inserted his h-key into the lock, and had cautiously pushed the door open about two feet, when there was a sudden rushing sound comicbooks.com