Judge — December 15, 1883 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. SHOPPING, IN TWO CHAPTERS—Cuarter 1 y mame and. Lert down town on dp On “bargarn dag to gel afew little 4 ings Gecause we wanted EP ail bis sbeok won the cultured I taught the ults in the air most unique that had evei admiration of the Hoosie lions to turn three summers over the backs of sixteen elephants; and the hogs to chew tobacco and spit on the floor, | with all the grace of a New-York alderman | in a street-car. I got the monkeys to do ev- Washington Cossip. Wasmixetos, D. C., Dec. 6. club has lately been formed in thiscity, its title * The Pension-Claimants Aid Societ Its name denotes the object for which it was brought into being. All |.who were maimed in the Mexican campaign fy and the War of Secession need not apply, as tion of all the other s the society deals only with the following extraordinary thing occurred that | Persons: . Well, the remembrance of that unprecedent-| 1. ‘Those who might have been m: ed event, even after this lapse of time, thrills | in the aforesaid wars, had they taken me with horror. Oh, those days of doubt, | therein. . . anguish, despair, delirium, amazement, con- _ Who were injured in any sternation, prostration, knocked-out-in-one- | aw mills; horse, or railway car ac round, biff-biffedness, surprise, mortification, through the bursting of buz: numbness, bewilderment, terror, stupefac- | fights; saloon squabbles; el tion, heart-sinking and utter demoralization! boat disasters; domestic row ye haunt me yet! In the height of revelry, | bite kicks: theatre or bad when sparkling wine and girls divine togeth- | Whiskey. during the continuance of the wars er shine, and make me pine—for seltzer in | aforesaid; owing to which the parties so in- the morning: in the dim, dark watches of | jured were rendered incapable of taking part the night, when graveyards yawn, and cats | 1 said battles, and thereby losing the chance upon the lawn sing love songs to the morn— | of receiving such serious wounds as would they gather round my memory, like flies a-| entitle them to a Portion of the funds set round a molasses barrel, or bunco-men | apart by a grateful Republic for the relief of around a “ hay-secd;” all me whtn [| the gallant defenders of her Nutionat honor. have only Jack-high in my hand, and have| 3. All_ relations, unto the remotest ing a grand bluif to got away with | confines of consanguinity—including Oh, those awful, blood-curdling | mothers-in-law and divorced wives—of the of horror! never to be forgotten while | aforesaid might-have-been victims of cruel n holds her sway in this distracted | War. , brain—am I never to be rid of your goose-| 4. All proprietors, or lesses of saw fleshing memory i mills; shareholders in horse or railway car : lines; owners of buzz-saws; principals in, and aiders and abetteors of street fights: saloon keepers; voters at election; owners, — captains, officers, deck hands, engineers, and A YOUNG man recently bought a copy of | roust-a-bouts of steamers; wives and hired “Grandfather's Clock” at a music store, | girls; drivers of mules; proprietors and and was at the same time supplied with aj lessees, stage and acting managers, ushers bullet-proof undershirt. ‘The clerk explain- | and ticket skalpers, of theatres; and distillers ed that such articles always went with cer-| of bad whis| who were muleted in tain songs, by order of the Board of Health. | damages by the parties aforesaid who were injured by said causes, and who, had the How mach weight does the merchant's | aforesaid injured parties not been rendered “ad” carry! Why, announce, of course. | incapable of taking part in said battles, [To be continned—unless the author tum- bles to himself, and commits suicide. ] the ave been so muleted in aforesaid. avish and indiscrimi manner in ensions have been ladled out lately, to all who have been wise enough to er pension agents to act for them, affords tl * Pension-Claimant Aid Society” very hope of a speedily renumerative busin In view of the erats that un dent—and th: statement of the they elect the the ars of Fi Demo- next Presi- Republicans, that if ul power is vested atic party—and that of the that unless whisky h le a penal offence ckers, thet unless the paper currgney is inflated the United St will to h—ades—your correspondent would su that all parties writ have at its head th fidel of I . As he don’t believe Johnny Logan would Anglo-IMlinoian—this shall me of the sweet in- wrt Green Ingersoll. in no such place—a kin hi great and prious epubhic will be safe from the Infernal for three years at least; and perhaps during that time the al industry of country can induce old Beelzy to take d lunch trip, @ la Lord Coleridge, kill with California-champagne breakfasts Evarts 16x24-sentenced speeches, and ever free America from his grip Attorney-General Brewster bh: the dignity of outraged justi in attaching the person of Ex-Sen of Mabama, and having said n brought on to Washington to « contempt of court in not appearing when re a witness in the histori- s Route trials. was unaware of the dei can read, y newspaper in the country v of his mysterious disappe the only reason that can ed for his ignorance of the fact that he was wanted, is that he was qualifying himself to become a most desirable juror. comicbooks.com