Judge — December 8, 1883 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘Tne other night, when I put on the new opera wrap, with its wonderful embroidery, and pretty white ostrich ti 9s nodding around my throat, it was just too becoming for any- thing. My nervonsness and anxiety about my husband had en me rosy cheeks, and T knew that never in all my"life had I looked | better. Under the circumstances I was not surprised that Heraclitus should be unusually demonstrative; but, alas, all his praises were lost upon me, and his numerous compliments | ave me no pleasure, It seemed more depressed I became, the jollier he grew; and all that evening he was in ex- asperatingly good spirits. The next day was the anniversary of our | wedding, and although I had invited his mother and sister to pay us a visit and sur- prise him, I can’t say that I felt very hilarious | over the event; and when I heard’ his latch- | key click in the door-lock, several hours | earlier than I had expected him to put in an | appearance that afternoon, my coolness had not one whit abated. He came bouncing up-stairs three steps at | atime, and rushed into the room exclaim- | ing, ‘Get on your things, Peneloy quickly as possible, and I'll take yon for a rive.” I'd decline the invitation and tell him to go and take his dear * Dolly,” but discretion got the better part of valor, and it was such a lovely day that the temptation to go was too great to resist. While I was putéing on my boots and new seal-skin dolman, he kept saying, ** do hurry up,” till I lost all patience and told him that | if he was in such haste he couldn’t wait for | me to properly array myself, he’d better go without me. He replied quite good-naturedly, ‘* Oh no I’m not going without my little wife, who has apparently forgotten what day it i Taffy! thought I to myself; I managed to keep my m reached the ‘front door, which Heraclitus opened with astonishing alacrity; and there, in the street, right before my face and ey: stood a handsome new coupe and an awfully stylish horse. I was surprised to see such a turnout, for I supposed he was going in an open wagon; and the minute I looked at the coupe, I saw it had the Pennyfeather coat of arms on the carriage door. Before I had time to speak, Heraclitus took my hand, and leading me up to the horse, said, ‘ Allow me to introduce to you your’ imaginary rival, Dolly. I trust after you have become acquainted with her you will have a better opinion of her and of Your unfortunate husband as well.” I hesitated, and for a moment I thought | but fortunately uth shut till T s if the | _THE JUDGE. Of course, I was delighted with the es- tublishment, and it would have been a great relief to my feelings to know that Dolly wasn’t a woman, if Heraclitus hadn't d ceived me so about her. I do so hate d ception and subterfuge of all kinds. AAs soon as we were seated in the vehicle and had started off, he put his arm around my waist and said, “ Now, dear, aren’t- you a little bit asha amed of yourself, to think were so easily made jealous of a hush who was only trying to please and surprise his dear little wife?” ot at all,” I promptly replied. was your own fault, the whole of it. When I first discovered the existence of a * Dolly,’ why didn't you explain who Dolly was? | “Then there would have been no misunder- nding at all.* It was too good a joke,” he replied, “to have you so jealous of a horse.” | “Well,” Isaid, ‘you may have thought | ita joke, but knowing so well your numerous | pec cadillos, I consider it a most serious mat- | ter.” | Iwas going on to say more but he com- | | ced to langh and ‘kiss me, and said, | here, there, no recriminations to-day. | Y | | “Tt ‘on are sure to get the better of me in any discussion we enter into, and I know you too well to ever expect you to acknowledge your- self in the wrong.” * Why, Heraclitus, how can I acknowledge myself to be in the wrong, when I’ve never been anything else than right,” I asked; whereupon he laughed louder than ever, and said I was incorrigible, though I don’t sce j what there was fanny about it. ‘Then he wanted to know what I thought of the rig, anyhow. The lining is of elegant brown satin, and the interior is fitted up so exquisitely that I really couldn’t find a word of fault with it. I declare, nothing was forgotten. In one of | the pockets or npartments was a little set | of books; one for accounts, one for visits, all fastened in a curious little case with a tiny lock and key. When we got out on the road the horse commenced to show his paces, and as I be- fore remarked, he is certainly a stylish | animal. | The coachman, who bears the high-sound- ing name of Patrick, is not an Adonis; but one cannot expect to everything per- fect in this world, I suppose. Hera Bits | says the man is an excellent driver, and it is better to have a careful person, even if he is a little plain, than a swell who pays more attention to his personal appearance than to | his horse. May be so, but Mr. Patrick will have to get himself up in better style or he will take his departure. It is positively sickening to see such a looking man on the box of such a swell carriage. Of course, I haven’t said anything about it yet. It is most too soon to begin to find ‘fault, but later I'll set my wits to work to effect a re- moval. Well, our drive ended most delightfully, and I was distracted between thinking of how Mrs. Hapgood and one or two other old cats would envy me, and wondering what Heraclitus would say when he found his mother and sister at the house, When we reached home, we found them awaitin i ie and Kathleen | had been entertaining them, and after the pow wow and excitement of greeting them was over, Heraclitus, who didn’t seem to know whether he was on his head or his heels, took the whole family out on the side- | alk to see the new horse and carriage. The | | day. neighbors probably thought the whole Penn feather family had gone mad; but Her: tus, as usual, said “he didn’t care a — what the neighbors thought. When he discovered that | had invited the 1 pleasant surprise for him, he was r than ever, and actually apologized to me for having said before we went to drive, that he guessed I'd forgotten all about the I told him that a person should think twice before making a disagreeable speech ; but I was awfully glad he didn’t know what the state of my feelings was after I’d invited he ladie Now its all over it seems like a dream, a I didn’t realize before that I tually cared so much about my husband. “Well, he has convinced me that there’s no such woman as Dolly; but he hasn't yet ex- plained how he knew so much about Mrs. Dove's appearance at the opera. Now, I've got those relations of his to entertain, and of course there'll be no end of shopping and sight seeing. I hope they won't stay very long, for its getting near Christmas time, and I shall have no end of purchases to make on my account, though goodness knows where all the necessary money is coming from. Heraclitus wants to take Lucinda to the opera to-night, and I’m afraid she'll look a per ‘et guy. I’ve told Marie to try and dress her hair in some sort of a stylish way, and I'll do her up in one of my oid opera cloaks and make her look as respectable as pos ssible. Tcan’t help laughing when I think how shocked she'll be at the bare necks and arms she'll see; but she is a good soul after all, and as she left those dreadful boys at home I'll do most anything for her. I'm going to wear the white dress I wore when Kathleen was christened, and I'll put on all the jewels that the family can lay claim to. suppose Lucinda’ll think I’m an awfal women. Well, like Heraclitus, ng to care what anybody thinks. T'll make myself as charming as possible, and for once, I think I'll be a joll and happy PENELOPE NYFEATHER, Mrs. Pandora Pensorosa’s Last Poem. My friends, who knew me when I lived in s halls, where the glowing stream of genius flowed on without interruption, y tome, “* My dear Mrs, Pensorosa, why, why do you never now present the world with your graceful and beautiful com- ions? Has the divine aflatus forsaken Is the throat of the warbler choked fT? Has the mantle of genins fallen off your poetic shoulders? Has the fire of your imagination been quenched ?” ‘o these and thousands of other inquiries, I respond in three words, ‘I am married!” My reply never varies—or, to nse the well known words of the immortal Sir J. Porter, * Hardly ever.” Tam marricd—married to an unappreciative husband, whose soul, fet- tered to earth, cannot soar—a fact which oft- en makes my heart sore. (Excuse the play on words—a fault I am very rarely potrayed into.) Then, I am the mother of a large family; and I'regret to say, thongh perfect in every other respect, my children a one and all, totally devoid of intellect. Alas! my own colossal head has m opolized all the brains of my household. Even my ser- vants, my little band of domestics, are all (to use a strong expression) more or less idiotic, generally more. What becomes of my muse, think you, in such an atmosphere? It merely becomes a subject of a-muse-ment. Indeed comicbooks.com