Judge — December 8, 1883 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. An Improbable Story. A. Massachusets book agent, who was ring a small circular piece of court- plaster on his face, removed it while shaving a few mornings since, and replaced it when his toilet was complete. Contrary to his usual experience, as he went about ‘his busi- | rest of the day he was every- with smiles, whieh grew , until at last somebody laughed in his face. Led by this to look in the glass, he was somewhat taken aback to discover that, instead of the court-plaster, he had affixed to his face a little round rinted label, which had fallen from. the back of a new mantel clock purchased the day before, and which bore the inscription, «« Warranted solid brass.” “Ou, dea I do feel so mortified.” “Why, what is the matter now?” know Mrs, Dashaway, don’t you?” ‘ Ye And always considered her respectable, did you not?’ Certainly “Well, you may not believe it, but she’ has written me a let- ter which went through the public mails, was handed into my door by a regular letter carrier, who knows everybody in our set, and on the envelope, right in plain eight, was one of these horrid green three-cent stamps that were out of style almost a week ago.” —Phila, Call. “*Wuat is the mission of the humorous paper?” a serious minded exchange asks with great earnestness. ‘To get more sub- scribers, man; to get more subscribers and whoop up the advertising rates 145 degrees in the shade. What did you suppose people poli shed a humorous paper for? Fun? Not mach. Fun’s business in these earnest days.—Burlington Hawkeye. ness during the where received broade nd broader, It was Oscar Wilde that said of Henry Irving’s le at_one was a symphony and the other a beatiful poem, but he neglected to divulge which was which. most distressing to gaze the entire performance under the impression re enjoying a beautiful poem, to dis- cover when too late that it was only a beauti- ful symphony.—Phila, Call. «Don’t you think she’s pretty?” said the fond mother to the father, as ‘she stroked the baby’s silken hair, The father was ina sulking mood, something had disagreed with him, and he replied somewhat curtly, “Oh all babies are about alike. They loo! little monkeys.” Just then a neighbor entered, and taking the baby on her lap, said, ‘‘ Mercy on us, how like its father that child is!’—Somerville Journal. Avon the Dunkards men kiss only men, and the kissing of women is done only among themselves. If the custom were vice versa-ed, so to speak—the men kiss only the women, and the women ditto the men—the Dunkard religion would gain converts much more rapidly, ‘There is very little inducement for young folksto become Dunkards.—Norris- town Herald. MarceLta Sewpricn, Mr. Abbey’s prima donna, sings in French, Italian, German and Russian, plays artistically upon the piano and violin, and yet she is only twenty years of age. If she lives, say fifteen vears more, until she is ‘‘ thirty,” she will be somewhat accomplished.—Hartford Post. Tue immense new organ for the cathedral at Riga, has 124 stops. This is 123 more than “Grandfather’s Clock” has.— Lowell Courier. It would be | t one leg during | like | The Points were “ Agin" Her. “Now what Iw nt you to do, Miranda,” | said a white wom: n to the colored ** help,” “is to get up early, make two fires, get breakfast, take care of the children while I | am eating; then, after breakfast, sweep the rooms, make up’ the beds, and do anything | se that comes handy.” 's yerse’f gwine ter be doin’ all dat * Why, I'll be attending to my own affairs, of cow An’ seein’? me workin’ like a slabe? dy, I doan reekin we kin trade, I lef” de las’ place case de ’oman ob de house got so proud dat she didn’t want me ter set in de rockin’ cheer, an’ de way yerse’f’s startin’ | out I’se afeerd dat yer would’t reconnize me | asa member ob ‘cie Like ter “commodate yer, lady, but all de pints is agin yer.”— Arkansaw Traveler. Wuat right has Prof. Young to spoil any little vacation plans by saying that a railro train traveling at the rate of forty miles an hour without stops, would be more than | three hundred and sixty-five years in reac ing the sun; and that at the low r: cent a mile, the fare would be Lowell Courier. Asneak thief ¢ te of one | 0,0002— ght in # Brooklyn dwell- | ing escaped by saying that he was a physician | | who had been called to the house. ‘The peo- ple were dreadfully frightened. When they took him for a thief, they feared for their valuables; but when he s said he was a physie- | they trembled for their lives.—Boston Transcript. Jounsre, did anyone have the croup in your house last night?” ‘Dunno! What made you ax me?” Well, I saw a light in | the house long after midnight.” Oh! | that’s my sister! She has something down in the parlor awfal late every night, but | | don’t know whether it’s the croup or not.” — Yonkers Gazette. Soe man broke a street lamp in De lb, Ga., and the editor of the AN “For the sake of human decency we hope the man was drunk.” We have pondered over that paragraph a long time in a vain endeavor to see wherein the cause of human | decency would be advanced by a man being drunk, but give it up.—Harkeye. “So your husband is a cont what particular line is he “In the debt |line.” «In the debt line?” “ Yes, he has contracted about $10,000 worth of debts during the last two years. Everybody says he is very successful in his business.” Bos- ton Transcript. tor, In “Papa, what do yon expect to give me fora birthday present?” asked a young girl of her father, a well-known police-court | justice. Give you,” said the justice, whose mind was evidently upon something else— “give you—I'll give you six months.”— Phila. Call. RUPTULE Columbia Bicycle le what every Vw THE POPE MANUFACTURING (0., Washingtoo St. Hoston, ase New York Ikktlog School, Sith st, near St av. 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