Judge — October 27, 1883 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. “HERE'S YOUR He told me he had fished me out of the nal, being in the act of passing by a time of the wree He produced a s ter bottle containing whisky, and told me to drink some, He told me his business—I told him mine— again the truth. I said I was the only son of a millionaire who had perished in the wreck while on his way to Europe with his family in the canal boat Skowhegan.” a that all his wealth, being in diamonds, b gone to the bottom of the raging canawl! knew he did not believe my story—that indi- cated his shrewdness, But he didn’t say so: showed his delicacy. Seeing that I pos- 8 1 the divine gift of “cheek,” he offer- cd me an interest in his business. I accept- ed it—and together we tramped the country selling books, patent medicines, lightning rods, Harrigan & Hart’s latest songs, and the Revised Edition of the Bible. We sold ointments that cured corns, bunions, asthet- ic aspirations for the unattainable, flea-bites, and freckles. Bit which supplied the place of whisky, rum, sin, snakes, apple-jack fountains. Tooth-y . Which not only gave the teeth a lustre and_ brillianey, and polish, but coaxed old half-buried mo- lars out of the re of the gums into which they had modestly retired, and ted them fresh on a masticating tour of free- lunch routes, Anti-fat mixtures—three bot- tles of which, at $1.50 a d. would bring any ordinary 300-pound matron in two mouths down to a state of transparency cal- culated to make a dime-museum living skel- eton rattle the joints of his spinal column in despair—and anti-lean medicines which piled on the much-needed adipose tissue with reckless prodigality, and fitted the recipient to occupy, and fill to its utmost capacity, one of the Brooklyn furniture-store’s advertising chairs in less than six weeks. Then we did « thriving trade in books which interpreted dreams in a complete and satisfactory manner, calculated to sink into I did not feel much better. | | HERALD, ONLY: ‘loits of all the Joseph: hs who lied and prevar- nboozled th are a dom from the mily Dream Book, aparte, Geo. Wash- ington, Mary Queen of Scots, Ben Butler, Prince Bismarck, James Gordon Bennett, Mrs. Harriet Beecher Stowe, Hevrand, Je» Coburn n Boue Martineau, + and many. other | ins for acts of the » future: If one dreams na peelings, it is sign that he (or she) will ship up in some undertaking. “To dream of a man failing for $250,000, and then buying his wife a sct of diamonds and a Rustian sable cloak, signifies th: charity should always begin at home—and end ther * To dream of sitting on the sharp end of a tack signifies, if a lady, that she will marry a blond-eyed young gentleman with w knees, his hi anged, and a c in his eye, who will one day probably mak: mark—if he can write. If a gentleman. that his board bill is two weeks overdue, and that the weather’s cold enough to warrant him getting his Ulster out of pawn—if he can. “To dream of a blue cat, with gray eye: a purple nose, pink ears and four crushed= strawberry olored hairs in a crimson tail, means that the dreamer had better give up whisky right away. “To dream of chewing gum signities that you will soon lose your teeth. “To dream of falling from a great height means that you should never pay three cents for the Herald when you can get it off your neighbor’s doorstep for nothing. “To dream that you went to the theatre and saw a wretchedly-written and wo ed play, and then read in the theatrical ad- | vertisements the next morning that it w jer with « | red-ho} s, signifies that all the ntside ns that you should “To dream of p: of Italian opera, money t To dream of a baby means that you should look out for sq ; “'To dream of steers signifies that you will soon meet a bunco man. . “To dream that your wife is slamming you over the head with the stove ker, means that you had better stop foolin the pretty hired girl. * “To dream that if you want a decent scat theatre you must pay a ticket-scalper all extra for it, $1,200 for a scason that you have more “To dream that you are a popu ry of $20,000 a year, med i may Lihing to 1 ures in heaven, it is useful, at times, Dill in your clothes a hundre am that vou have broken into a #10,000,000 in enrrency ign that it would be unwise to leave nything portable, with the exception of a stove, within your reach ‘o dream that you can 1 friend of aman by doing him a favor, or of a woman out her faults, signifies that you had better hire a hermit’s outfit and immure yourself in the deepest recess of the Rocky Mountains, or devote vour life to the task of F Ith by selling the Herald at a third of a cent per copy. continued in our next—unless the to Indiana and lectures on the immorality of the divorce laws.) Washington Gossip. BY OCR OWN HLA Wasmxotoy, D. C., Oct. 18. Hate tothe chief! His Accidency, Ches- ter A, Arthur, is back with his loyal subjects of Washington onee me Oh, Chester! have missed you; where have you been how did you like the geysers and the Yellow- stone cuisine? If Arthur h: de his mark President, bh fisherman, and his big in the Eastern waters a week or two si may fairly rank as the most valuabl monster the world has ever seen, ¢ the fact that it cost the country & that fish is about all the Chief Magistrate has to show the people of the United States in the way of earning three-months’ salary. Fish come high this year, but Chester got to have ‘em. Your correspondent has prepared « simple sum in arithmetic for the rising young Amer- ieans who glory in their country, and are anxious that the memory of the t men who laid its foundation stones and cemented the building of this great Republic with their | loving labor and toil and self. in many cases, heart’s blood, ever green, to solve: If the hington monument progresses toward completion at the rate of three inches a year, an dation sinks in the earth at the rate of nine inches, in how many will it disappear entirely from view ? Send postaee stamps with answer, not necessarily for publication, but as evidence of good faith. What is the matter with the Holman tsfoun- + | comicbooks.com