Judge — December 2, 1882 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

TINTED. asked a lit After pray'rs the ou “Wea me gits ‘way u Will de angils skeour me w'itet* “Fr axin’ sich a questyin, Sambo, Yew jist orter git de lash; Tink de angels wad dere fngabs Dirt a makin’ mo’ w'ite trash!” OUR POPULAR FARCES. REPORTED BY “ ED." “OUR BUSINESS CHANCES.” (ala New York Herald.) IN THREE ACTS. Cuaracters: Me. Carrrauist. Me A. Me Bo Me @ Act First. Office of Mn. A. sicteen stairs up, back office, rear door, Enter Mr. Carrtauist. Mr. C.— This, I believe, is the office of Mr. 4 Mr. A.—Yes, sir. Mr. C.—-You have advertised for capital for a lucra- tive business? Mr, A.—Yes. Mr. C—Your advertisement reads as follows: “ For ten thousand dollars any capitalist can realize fity per cent. per year. Address P. O. Box 1882.” Mr. A. Mr. €. the busi Mr. A. orrect. Now will you please tell me the nature of Iwill, Have you pimptes? Mr, C— Frequently, Mr. A.—Well, that is just where I expect to catch on, Almost every one has pimples. They will come, diet as you y Now I have discovered a root, y call it a Mexican root, or a Peruvian root or aatemala root, or whatever you desire to term It, will totally eradicate pimples. Henceforth, af- ter my remedy has been vacemated, as it were, to use a simile amongst the public, there will be no more Just think of it, an unpimpled people, and all it will cost them will be Bifty cents a bottle. Only think of it, fifty cents a bottle, and between you and I it will only cost ten, the price of the bottle included. What do you think of it? T think it is— you whic pimples. Act Secoxp. Climb the sire-escape, and push up Enter Mr. Cariratist. Office of Mr. B. the window. Mr, C.—Is this Mr. B. Mr, B.—1am that Mr. C—Are you the capita Mr. B.—Was my advertisement like this? “ $50,000.—Any gentleman with that amoant can make fully $50,000,000 in a year. Investigation desired. References must be furnished. A Christian gentleman preferred, Only principals, Apply to B, room 3,003 Brogigdiniag Building. Mr. €.—It waa. Mr, B.—You have come to see about it? Mr, ©, ~Yes. Mr, B.—Are you & Christian? Mr, C—Yes; I go to a sacred concert every Sanday hit. Ar, B.—Mave you references? ‘Mr. C.—My hat is fall of them. Mr, B—And have—bave you the fifty thousand? Mr. C Not around my person, but I have it all of the likewise. What is your echeme’ Mr. B.— Finest in the world. shat? Mr. C.—Yea. Mr. B.—Window closed? tleman who advertised for Is the door firmly THE JUDGE. TRE “ LILY" FROM ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW “Do. you think shee 40 very handsome >” her like a American gus has got, an her dress id Mr, B.—Then I will reveal it; bat stop! First, you mast swear never to tell it to any one if you don't adopt it. Mr. C.—1'll swear, Mr, B.—Now, I'll tell you tt. Mr. C—Oyaters and pearls Mr, B.—Yes, that is juat what I said, It bas been calculated that every oyster out of sixty has a pearl in it. These pearls upon the average are worth a dolla piece, at least. Sixty oysters cost thirty cents. De- duct cost of oysters from worth of pearl. Seventy cents clear profit. There are millions in the project. With your $50,000 we will buy ten million oysters. We will find 166,666 2-3 pearls. Profit on pearls, as I sald before, 18 seventy cents. Multiply the 166,666 2-3 pearls by seveoty, and what do you Gnd? Mr. C—Notuung. Mr. B.—What do you mean? Afr. C.—Life is too tleeting to multiply 166,666 2-8 by 70. And excuse me, bat I do not take eweetly to your scheme. There may be millions in it, but none of those millions for me. 1 will let somebody who needs money more than I grasp the opportunity. Good «ay. Mr. B—Wey, sir. Mr, C.~-Can 1 trouble you for a quarter? I have a note to meet to-lay, and really I have forgotten the key of my safe. It’s oysters and pearls. Act Taiko. Office of Mr. G.—Be very careful coming down the cel- lar stairs, ant restassured that the rats are perfectly harmless. Mr. G.—Good-tas. Mr. C.—Goorl-day. Mr. G.—Take a chair, plense, and, by the way, sit a little forwant. One of the back legs are weak. All of my farniture, Iam sorry to say, is absent. It is at the upholsterer’s, being renovated. Mr. C—Oh, that is all right. reference to your advertisement Chances.” This is yonrs, is it not? (Reads): “Capitalist $20,000 ean find the chance of a lifetime. Apply, between 9 and 9, to ‘Fortuna No. 1127 Tenth Aveni Mr. C.—That is you? Mr. G. Yes, sir. Mr. C.—Well, Tam a capitatiet, at least to the ex- I came to see you in in the “Business i, there's no_denying ah ‘dy, an —" pooty, But they ain't no style about for half an hour.) (Rattles a tent of $20,000, so I would like to find the chance of a lifetime, Mr. G.—Hem ! you ain't an agent ? Mr. GN Mr. G.—Or a reporter Mr, C.—No. Mr. G.—Ivisall confidence between us? Mr. C.—Strietly. Mr. G.—Then 1 will—you draw your ebair up close. In the year 1610 a vessel called the Will-o'-the- Wisp sailed from Southampton, England. It was chartered by aCatholic Abbe, also a load of monks and nuns who sailed, intending to found a cathedral in Cuba. It was estimated that the vessel carried fall three mill- ion dollars in gold, besides other precions plate and articles for the cathedral, The vessel was never heard of after it sailed from Southampton until a year passed, | when picked up in the harbor of Havana was a quart, queer-shaped bottle, inside of which was a folied-up paper, written in Latin, which reads, as near as could be deciphered, for some salt water had forced its way intothe bottle: We are sinking off the Bahamas. Jesus and Mary sare us. Abbe Bawdenuane. Wille the- Wisp.” Now there is no doubt that the vessel with all of its treasure is at the bottom of the sea, We will take your $20,000, We will hire a vessel and lots of divers. We will find the IWul-o'-the- Wisp and Its treasare. We will be rich. Mr. C.—Well, I won't. When you find me giving $20,- 000 for the pleasure of grasping around the water for a vessel that probably never existed It will be a very frigid day. So long, sir. When I find some moneyed lanatic at large I will send him to you. (Erit Mr. C.] Mr. G. (regretfully)—Why the blazes didn’t I strike him for a cigar, anyhow? [ovrrats,) Au recor, He who invents a tidy that won't get up and follow a fellow out of the room, sitting perched on his back, ina spot he can't reach, will be pat down as a benefactor, noxt to theman who invented copper-toed shoes for children. Wrex a girl is buzzing a minister, it is supposed that her tongue Is going at the Q rate. comicbooks.com