Judge — December 2, 1882 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Mi Uy UG Uy i We tia A DELICATE CASE IN PHRENOLOG Tras. — Mornin’, What His Uncle Said. ScwweRanerze’s boy didn't learn his alphabet very ily, and always broaght up all standing w got to The school-marm tried to make him re member it, but to no purpose. Finally an idea struck her; she *Jobnoy, you were out in the country daring vacation, 1 believe * Yessum.” “There we + Yeasum, ur uncle had some * Yessun.”” now, did he not say to his cattle when he wanted them to go, + Yeasam.” ow do you think you can remember the letter?” + Yeasam.” ‘The next day Johnny again stumbled on the teacher, to refresh his memory, Johnny, what did your uncle say to his cattle” Johnny hesitated a moment and then yelled out “Haw, Diamond, damn ye!” The teacher thought Jon the whole alphabet. n be aid e lots of cattle there, were there not!” cattle, too, did he not!” * gee said: y had suddenly learned Abad man remarks that after Judas sold out the twelve Apoaties would ha | ¢ made a good cricks TYPES OF AMERICAN BEAUTY. Hove'd yer like t * would mther not.) Tartons ongt trade. If it have been wi 10 adopt the snake as a sign of hadn't been for the ‘sarpint” we'd all arin, Nature's clothes to-day perhaps, “Cay you play ‘Chopin's Polonaise?” softly in- sla cultured Bostonian of the niece of a fashion- dressmaker, * No,” n ed the girl, “bat unty can play off some of the wust fittin’ ov ivir seed on sum o° bur green customers.” ediately strack up hi tune, the Prayer,” for him on the piano qui abl ively me skirts She imr Maiden favorite A way chopped a then plead that it was it was. n accidental blow. We think War kind of slippers do the angels wear!" three sizes sinaller than their feet, or et dealers Lie. * About 1e the shoe. Tue who ate strength of the old saying that she would dream of ber future husband, says she would rather be an old maid for all time and eternity than marry the her distempered dreams. young lady she saw in A sation remarks that since he was married his wife has doubled. He took her for half a tar, bat now finds her @ tartar. Wues read av planted. the always complimentary ep on ¢ we often wonder where the sioners ScuMERMREEZE went out shooting the other day, and told his friewds on bis return that he got an eagle. It was a gold one, and he got it at the bank. Swant business: The horse-radish trade, Tur. production of the pie-rates of Penn's annta, leads us to suppose that some Quaker City scribe has dis- covered that Billy Penn's relations kept a boarding- house, and that he bas found their schedule of prices. Tue coach painters are striking. Let'em strike. It don't affect us any; we ride in the street cars ourselves. “Twas cured by a carefal and spirita,” said an old fellow, whose nose would answer for en auction si Yea, you were completely pickled as it were,” answered an unsympathizing by- stander. iseriminating use of pw's teeth out with an ax, and | wedding-cake on the | Antutr, you President of the , by the grace of God and Guiteau’s tnt- let. You hold the highest office in the gift of the peo- ple, only the people did not give it you. You got it by accident. The door of the White House was open and the wind blew you in. Still, you haven't male a vad President by any means. You do not keep th best of company, it is true; bat then politic necessity, makes strange bed-fellows. Until very re cently you doubtless held hopes that your accidental Presidential term would be supplemented hy a non accidental one—a second installment of office forced upon you by the deliberate choice of the people. If ever nourished this hope, it is probable that you ish it nolonger, You have got a considerable un- expired term still torun. Make good uso of it. Leave an Al Presidential name behind you. Theendeavor to do that will take you all your time, and if you want little diversion Tur Jena has beard that you are foud of fishing. Hurry ap and cast your line, of you will find the streams frozen, There have been some very cold daya recently. Mr. Jouy A. Loaas, you have taken the trouble to in- form the world, through the columns of a public jour- nal, that you will not bea candidate for the l’resid The world at lange is exceedingly indebted to you the information. Until you put mento, the country was uneasy, business was st nated, and babies paused in cutting thelr teeth in the haunting dread that possibly you might be a candidate for the Presidency. It is a relief to have this momen tous question get at rest definitely. To be sure, there are about fifty million people in the United States who have not yet declared in this positive manner that they will not be candidates, but they are not all of them eligible to election. Some of them are old women, and some of them are little children. But some of them will probably be candidates when their time comes. We have no fear that the Presidential will remain permanently vacant for the lack of pirants to fill it, So we are exceedingly indebted to Mr. John A. Logan, for relieving our from the tension of anxiety occasioned by uncertainty as to pur position in this matter, and Tux Jepce will | anawer you as he once answered a young lady who os- | tentatiously expressed her unwillingness to marry a | millionaire—* "Tis manners to wait till you're asked, my dear, Ma. Erastes Brox ed your pronu: you you are Chairman of the State Board of Healtn, and your honorable confreres, with yourself, have been engaged in discussing the malsdor- ous breezes wafted from Hunter's Point, and the dele- terious adalterations which, folks say, form such large portion of what we eat and drink. This is a very praiseworthy occupation. Don’t let us have too much water in our milk, too much chicory in our coffee, or too much glucose in our beer. Also, and to suggest a field for your supervision, don’t let us have too many bundles of soilel linen carried on our street cars; on't let us have mephitle and poisonous coal buried in the engines of our elevated raitrords; don't let us have explosive vapors, like #:eam, introduced under our roadways; don't let us have a deleterious quality of gas supplied to our dwelling houses: doa't let us have our children employed as messengers by tly school-teachers to houses where small-pox or scarle fever is raging; don’t let us have unventilated tune on the lines of oar principal railroads. If you will communicate these suggestions to the honorable board of which you are Chairman, Mr, Erastus Brooks, the people of New York will be much obtiged to you, and Tue Jevor will have a few more health items to call your attention to from time to time. For, Mr. Brooks, in spite of all your pains, the mortuary fact remains that New York is not such a healthy city as it might be ne To be awaited with interest: Governor Batler’s first ving proclamation, comicbooks.com