Judge — September 23, 1882 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“The Charge of the Light Ballet.” Hatr a leg, half a leg, Half a leg onward, All before the foot- Danced the o1 Crash went the German band, Supes strew'd the stage with sand; All before the foot-lights Danced the one hundred. Forward, the light ballet !" Was there a coryphée Who couldn't help feeling Some one bad blundered Turned on, the calcium light Gl Kicked they with mai All before the foot-lights Danced the one hundred. and Bald heads to right of them, Bald beads to left of them, Bald heads in front of them Shouted and thundered Cynosures of every Boldly they kicked and high, Regardless life and limb, Into the very sky Kicked the one hundred. Flashed all their fleshings bare, Flashed as they turned in alr, Crazing the bald heads there, In orchestra chair, while All the house wondered. Oo light, fantastic toe, Pirouette and pas de Seauz, Premier and coryphée Reeled from the vertigo, Shgttered and sundero. And then they danced back, Bat not—not the one hundred. Balt heads to right of them, Bald heads to left of them, Bald heads in front of them Shouted and thundered; Bravoed the dilettante, While each old Bonfanti, With split raiment and scanty, Danced back from the jaws of Death, Back froin the Dante All that was left of thei, Left of one hundred. a When can their glory fa Oh, the bigh kicks th All the house wondered. Fling up your big boug) Bald-headed Y. M. Honor the hght t Noble one hundred ! A New York Herald Reporter. Tue reporter, having finished successfully his interview of His Imperial Majesty, the Sultan of Turkey, asked of the Herald for fur- ther instructions, was told to “go to hades,” or the other place higher up; he did so, with the following interesting results. How he arrived at the above place it is scarcely policy to divulge. Suflice it to say ined the necessary letters and passes, Long before arriving at the mouth of the cavernly abyss he was made conscious of ap- proaching it by the strong, unpleasant sinells of sulphur and petroleum, but arriving at the opening he sent in his card by an attending imp, and after what appeared no longer than a second of time, he was blown into the pres- ence of his Satanic Majesty, who welcomed him-with assurances of good fecling, and that he must not be afraid, although that was a quite unnecessary caution to a reporter. THE JUDGE. The old story ina new dress; or, how a young man who had mherited a farm, “ran rapidly through The following conversation ensued: Reporter.—* Your Majesty, I am sent by the New York Herald to ask if you desired to say anything through its columns upon any subject 7” His Satanic Majesty.—" Yes; but upon Your assurances that you will not give the names of persons whom I am making great preparations to receive.” ‘The reporter gave the assuran Reporter.— Will you please give us any- thing you have to say on the petroleum and sulphur question 7” His Satanic Majesty.— With pleasure. | We have to use large quantities of petroleum and sulphar here. Ordinary fire has no per- ceptible effect upon some that come here; tough customers like old Van, that you see there, require a concentrated form of hot petroleum and sulphur; he says that he told some people, before he left your sphere, ‘there would be hell to pay when he died;’ he was right. I have a great deal of trouble with him; he wants to run a railroad through my place; he says he wants water—but we don’t use that here. After he left your sphere he came to my river Styx, and wanted the ferryman to take him over, but Charon in command asked him a dollar and a quarter; the old man said ‘he'd be d—d if he would pay that price,’ remarking, ‘You must think I don't know nothin’. I'll put on an op- position boat myself.’ At that moment I grabbed him and raked him in here, where he belongs. I knew him well throughout his whole career; he never did a good deed in all his life; as for charity to his fellow-men, he did not know the meaning of the word. I know him; he was ignorant, excessively vul- gar, selfish, vindictive, unrelenting, overbear- ing, no regard for truth. I know he died with a lie in his throat.” Reporter.—* Your Majesty, have you any: | thing you would like to say of Colonel Bob Ingersoll? His Satanic Majesty.—* Yes; 1 would like, on your return to the earth, that you would ask Colonel Bob Ingersoll, through the Herald, if, as he says, ‘there is no hell,’ where do people go to that ought to go to hell?” Reporter.—'* Will you please give us your opinion of Henry Ward Beecher?” His Satanic Majesty.—‘* You must excuse me, for Henry Ward Beecher is a friend of mine.” * Reporter.—‘ Your Majesty, have you any- | came forth from the | you later on,” hi | then presented him with six pa the property. thing you wish to say of the Reverend De Witt Talmage?” At the mention of the word reverend there reat cavern the most terrible yells, howls, and shouts, with rank odors of hot crude petroleum and sulphur, bis Majesty appeared to be in great excitement; Hames of fire gushed from his eyes, nose, and mouth, his hair streaming in all directions; he cautioned the reporter not to use the word reverend in connection with that name again, As the reporter was just about to thank his Majesty and to withdraw, he was interrupted by a fiend with box in hand and a call: ‘Col- lar-buttons, sleeve-buttons, neck-ties, scarf: pins.” The usual ejaculation came from the reporter, at the same time suggesting to his Majesty that these ‘‘collar-button” fiends should be suppressed. “Oh, no,” replied his Majesty; ‘they emanate from here, and I send them to your carth as tormentors and to make people swear.” With a “Good-bye, I'll see Majesty, with a wave of his tail, blew the reporter back to earth, where the first sound that greeted his cars was “Collar-buttons, sleeve-buttons, — neck-ti searf-pins.” Tus is the season when our most obscure citizen jumps into prominence on the hotel registers. THE compositor who set some manuscript about a donation party, inadvertently made it read ‘damnation party.’’ The minister next day bought a hundred copies, mailed them to each of his congregation who at- tended the party, went around and thanked the editor, asked him out for a drink, and s of slippers ht of the party. he had scooped the n JOUNNYBREEZE has two brothers, both mar- ried, but neither of them are blessed with any children, Johnnybreeze was descanting the other day on the brilliancy of bis own children, and deploring that his brothers were pildless; ‘‘but,” said he, “it's hereditary in our family, so I’m not so much surprised af: ter all.” Summerbreeze didn’t see the bull he had made until the reporter reminded him that the beer was on him once again. ‘THERE are a great many * full” delegations now being sent to conventions. comicbooks.com i