Judge — August 12, 1882 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

OUR CLAM-BAKES. REPORTED BY “ED.” IN TWO SCENES. CHARACTERS: TTRN. Mr, Hactos. Ma. Wipe. Finst.—Partor of Sea-side Boarding-House breakfast—Miss Tourer playing upon the piano—Me. actos reating—Me, Wipe attituil: Enter Miss Te Miss Ges Sense Miss Miss 6. Miss T. Miss 7.1 have got mantic idea. Mr. H.—Whi Mass G.—We'll all Mr. H.—Where? Miss T.—Wh Mr. W.— Whe Miss G.—Upon liciously velvety corn, ants 1 wg at winclore for benepit of passers ly cst such a delightfully dear, ro- h—sawt of ideah ? we'll all go—we' clam-bake We'll take son mealy and borrow a bis 2 nie toes ‘ch a Lot of pe nd go down ty SeaclitY Beach and sit beneath trees and have a clain-t Mr, W Miss I forgot nt horse-shesd, and if th we will have our bake in it, gloomily.) T Ain't no trees at Seacliff! Beach. Bat th is a perfeetly are not any horrid hor What do you all Dt there Miss T.—It will be too joyous for anything. Mr. H.—Haw! don't mind, you know, iL do take it Mr. W. (aside.)—V'd just as (Alowd.) VIL go if the rest will Miss (4. (rapturousty.)—Then it ia all settled. ¢ have an awfully awful time? 1 boarders will be awfully jealor htful wa to the deuce. rand-new over a t we get a Miss G.—Oh, you are too bad, Me. Wild like to ride; walking is so healthy, Besides, tt isonly two and three-quarter miles long, and it rs last week, go that it can't be very dusty, and, shade, E know th berry bushes most of the way we will all re isa row of each side ow, ready. Mr f W al (aside.)—T would just as lef get ready for Why, o& why, did 1 come to a summer If we all survive this clam bake I will be very much mistaken, (lecit, Ma. Witpe bringing up the rear like Ban- Scexp Secoxn.—Seaclif Beach. ng.—Mn. Havtox laden with vegetables Characters discorered approae aud wraps sols, and Min, Wipe. fetching up the rear, painfully toiling beneath the weight of theiron pot. Allarrice at the horse-shed. Mx, Wine drops the tron pot. Mr. W.—Bl—ess that pot. Mr. H.—Was it heavy? Mr. W.—Heavy? It is more than heavy—It is mas- sive, Just as soon carry a foundry. Mise G.—Too awfully bad, Mr. Wilde, and we are so terribly obliged. Now jast you two men go down to ch and dig for clams, while we'll sit here upon our shawls and read till you get back. Now, hurry! (Mn. Wipe and Ma. Havroy go ruefally off. Go down into the wet sand and poke for clams with their canes Poke for half of an hour. Result, lots of shells, several fiddlers, an old shoe, three sand crabs and a broken soda-water bottle. Mr. H.—Blawst | Mr. W.—Of all the erazy ideas I ever heard of, this knocks the rest out. Where do clams grow, any- way? Mr. H. (helplessly.)—I_ don't know; you know. the ladies carrying norels ant para- 3 for THE JUDGE. Maybe on the sides of rocks like—like ugly little wed things old women sell in Mr, W.—Periwinkles Mr. H.—Guess +0. anyway. (The; presence of killing himse what are those askets? Lev’s go look at the rocks iy rock. Mr. Hartos, with great ind, falls off of it, Does not aacceed in but only lands in a foot of water. Is by Mr. W r. H—Dem clams. we'll go up to that I they keep el (The little house is approa A bushel innny 14.—Oh, we're Just y down? aa 1 8 8001 ary Guess relia The two return in | A horrid ‘al nd we glad you got back and ar ‘ross the shed-floor, nl—and, bless me, did you dig ally ran a lly frighte all those clams yourse Mr We Mr. Hf Miss T.—Mo work and build and nt the pe iT We di you must have x fire Des ready ter ed; all of the corn now go to we've shell » tire is built yout an hot The *s hard work. nd potatoes are placed in the s wail expectantly Ain't this roman ams, corn Mise 0. Miss T. Mr. H. Mr. W.—Not so bad after all 1 that the 1 from the embers a ch takes one upon a shit will all eat the first two-three. (Untervut of a second.) Miss @.—Obt ah Miss T.—Oo! 00' H—Demm re done, They «opened with lu | are extract | sticks. E: Miss GN dy four t one: Hazes! penn! Besides, their ri amd potatoes, 1 hand » and soaks them all in their three mie walk home, (evnrats.] The Brain Market. culty which isalways leading me into © places, to pry out and learn about curious things, brought me up standing in the | brain market the other day. “What shall T show you in our line to-d sir?” said the attendant, as he twitched h slip-shod slipper over his heel. ‘A real nice show rticle, or something more durable | like?’ “*T merely want to inspect your stock, just to gain some knowledge of the demand and supply—of the present state of the brain 1 .” T replied. them to sell, and so on.” “ Ah! young man, you are after the secrets ofthe trade, are you? Well, well. Perhaps you have brains to sell yourself 7” uring him that all the brains I had T in- tended to use myself, I prevailed upon him to deliver up the inward workings of the brain trade. “1 suppose I'm the only man,” said he, in a hoarse whisper, ‘ who has this thing down fine. I've handled brains for fifty years, ana- | lyzed ‘em, put ‘em up, and shipped ‘em to all parts of the world. Curious things about brains, I'll begin at the front. There's a quality of brains I always put in the show- window. People stop and stare at ’em; but, goodness me, there ain't no market for 'em. To aid to | “Who buys brains, wholas | GOING TO CAMP. Oh, George, dear, don't erery “11 irget to write i Sort of peach ny Drains. to look at, but the minute you t Let's what a fine quality Pretty to use next? brains, that | comes in family lots, very much admired by relatives, one but the best circles have this: style o' brains on h else can aiford to keep ‘em, very, but look sort 0° attractiv under blonde tache: y sei nd. Nobody hhey're fragile at soirees and musicals, wigs and behind wax mus- All the girls, you know, admire ‘em, and like to hear this sort of brains play their little chin-tunes. Ain't very durable, though. A couple the tert sameness to ‘em. Family lots 0’ brains ain't much, to be honest. Then there's the pretty, bright, little brains of the wom the smaller they are the better demand there is for ‘em. My, you'd be surprised to know how leng first quality of woman's brains will keep in the market just beeause it’s too big. man don’t: want seasons and ve I tell you, : brains that's two § Ef I tell | to put corsets on th down, Yes, as they do their waists; be hanged if some don't try to reduce their brains, su'tit ? Well, now here's the average kind of brains in looking lot, aren't they? Couldn't keep a big supply hand, no how, Go off like hot cakes, | Folks want ‘em to use in all sorts of business. | Seem to fit in everywhere. Put in machine shops, stores, newspaper foundries, and all that sort of thing, Don’t | bring the best but you sce | they're the most profitable brains in the coun- | try, Lots o’ money made out of ‘em. Ob, you're looking for some of the big brains 2?” “Yes. Show ‘em up, Who's got ‘em ?” “Can't keep but mighty few of stock. They make their own Young man, if you had a bi wouldn't be here half a minute.” ‘em Singular, on em to work big price always in demand. brain, you vem TOM WEAYER, OatMEAL is really a very good thing to make the skin fine and soft, if it is used” in cold water as a wash, We always had a no- tion that oatmeal could be put to some good use. Heretofore it has been principally used by cranks who keep boarding-houses as a means for killing appetites for breakfast. Uxrortusate for author: an't write make their mark. Only men who comicbooks.com