Judge — June 24, 1882 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A trip to the pole, and no Utves lost. Slightly Gallic. One would think, to read the daily papers, and the lectures they give the publishers of story papers, that they were never guilty of publishing anything regarding the careers of criminals. If a bad boy goes to the dogs, they at once set up a pious howl, and try to make it out that itis all on account of the stories which the sensational weeklies pub- lish about the romantic careers of the James Boys, the Younger Brothers, ete., ete., when, in fact, they are the very ones who first give the particulars of the doings of such outlaws to the world, and the first to throw around them the glamour of romance. ‘They publish the minutest particulars of every filthy dlivors se and murder trial; it is a race be- tween them to see which shall get the spiciest reports of such things. They even send special reporters from the East to write up every particular that can be gleaned or in- vented about the life and death of Jesse James, and yet the moment that anything happens like the case of the fiend Tibbitts they hold up their hands in holy horror, and claim that his career came about reading sensational stories—the very stories which they have elaborated and published, and the story papers simply copied—and with the gall of alligators try to make it out that the story papers are all to blame, and that such “trash” should not be published. ‘They even warn parents not to let their children read such stuff, and yet in their advertising pages will urge them to subscribe for their papers, wherein more crime and filth is embel- lished than sensational papers dare publish, ‘The devil rebuking sin! through Tur report that Edison has abandoned science, and is now conducting a ‘Society ” column in the Daily Boudoir, is a shameful roorback. He is now inventing a machine to knock the spots off the sun. The fact that it is to be propelled by the Keely motor is not calculated to encourage the belief that the spots will have to go daring the next century. Success would crown the efforts of the “ Menlo Park wizard” much quicker if he were to try his hand at a contrivance to take the kinks out of the porcine tail. eTIC well, discovered ina Southern town, has sufficient power todraw 6,000 peo- ple on a single Sunday,” says a news item. A whisky well, no doubt, would be strong enough to draw half the population in the State in less time. THE JUDGE. ‘That was a significant remark made by a marricd man the other day, upon returning to consciousness after being blown violently through a window by theexplosion of a barrel of gasoline. He opened his eyes, wildly about, felt for an imaginary lump on his head, and hoarsely whispered ; ‘Has the old woman cooled down yet 7” Volumes could not have said more. A poem in a Western journal is called “Bury Me ‘Neath the Willows.” There are eleven verses of it, and as cach one ends with “Bury me ‘neath the willows,” it may be naturally inferred that the poct really desires to be buried ‘neath the willows—but not with a more yearning desirethan his readers. Itis | hoped he will be accommodated—right away. Iv isa mighty disobliging neighborhood that won't bury a young poet ‘neath the willows, AN agricultural paper publishes an article entitled “The Art of “Raising Melons.” ena cloudy night, and the absence of a cross dog and a man with a shot-gun, and the Southern colored citizen wants no instructions in the art. It comes natural to him. It is said that the Czar ‘does not find his throne very easy.” This is bad. nothing more uncomfortable than an uneasy throne. But why doesn’t the Czar put a eush- ion on it? ‘That's the way we fix our throne when it becomes uneasy, and it goes right to the spot. There is Here is one of those fraudulent examples a school-boy is asked to wrestle with, viz: “If A can do a piece of work in 11 days, and Bean | do the same in 13 days, how long will it take both to perform it when they work together 7” The first thought that suggests itself to the wide-awake boy is, why B can't do the work in as few days as A, unless he has a sor thumb or a pain in the back, or something that way ; and he knows that the answer de- pends upon the length of time the two men, when working together, go around the corner | to sample beverages, or lean on their picks or | shovels and discuss the tari? question. ‘The only way to get a correct solution is to keep the time of A and B while working together. THE conundrum to the answer ‘One minds his store and the other stores his mind,” is easy enough; but what is the difference be- | tween a col uate and the boy who | rents his garments while sliding down a cellar | door? Ans:—One has stored his tind and | the other has “tored” his trousers. | ge Ex-Secretary Evarts went into a Boston | eating-saloon the other day and called for ‘a | lozen bivalvular testacea of the earboniferous | epoch, found in the lias and oolite of the eocene formation, on the halfshell.” The proprictor looked at the statesman a second, then seized an oyster-knife, and said if he heard any more such terrible language in his establishment somebody would get knocked down, The ex-Secretary supposed every Bos- ton saloon-keeper knew the Greek name for oysters, | a little more thoughtful. 1 Proressor Faircuitp thinks a common house-lly, with its numerous lenses, may dis- tinetly recognize objects only a twenty- millionth of an inch in diameter, If the soul man who embe s the trust funds of a couple of orphans, and reduces them to beg- gary, were placed on the point of a needle, a fly night be able to recognize it, but itis very doubtful, Ir you want to know what ozone smells like, and you are unable to procure a quantity of the stutl, go out in a ste and get yourself struck by a thunderbolt, A medical journal says ozone has an odor similar to a spot that has been struck by lightning. Tne inventors of female fashions should be silk stockings dotted with butterflies and other insects have been introduced. ‘The other morning a society belle, wearing a pair of these entomo- ical stockings, fell asleep on the sofa, with her feet reposing higher than her head, and when she suddenly awoke, her eyes rested in a vague sort of manner upon what she sup- posed were frightful insects, full of life crawling about her ankles She cried “ Fire!” ‘Murder and ness, led. | “Oh, merciful heavens!” so loudly that a police- man two blocks distant hastily turned down analley and moved off in an opposite direction, and the young lady's pet dog clapped his tail between his legs and bade farewell to the old home forever. She was found unconscious, and the nervous shock she sustained was so serious that she is unable to assist her mother do the housework, No wonder physicians say colored stockings arc unhealthy. A SCIENTIFIC sharp computes that if coal were consumed on the surface of the sun, in the most perfect manner, our total annual | production of 280,000,000 tons would suflice to keep up solar radiation for only one forty- milliouth part of a second. A very bric period is the forty-millionth part of a second —hardly as long as it takes a man to drop a wasp when he inadvertently eatches it by the rudder ; and at the present price of coal it is hardly likely that the experiment will be test- ed. It would be a sheer waste of fucl. A quiet corner, out of the draft, with a Henry Clay bith. comicbooks.com