Judge — June 3, 1882 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Chend, nore that he can take of menced to abuse your neighbors and friends, have you “Oh, no, simply personal journalism.” | “Personal ——! What busin | you to say that I illuminate my nose with applejack ?” and as he made the remark he j made a mark on Pigion’s proboscis, that brought claret and doubled him up in the corne “Murder!” shouted Pigion, wildly. “Hold on!” cried Al. Smith, bursting into | the room at that moment and comprehending matters, “Give me a chance at the dirty loafer,” and he pulled Jones away and went for him. “Here is some of my strong but- ter,” he added, and going for the downed Pigion, he crammed a pound or less of it into his mouth, eyes, ears, and hair, after which, in spite of the editor's vehement protests, h¢ administered several very vigorous kic s have By the time this had been finished Deacon Welter put in an appearance, with fire and other things in his eye. “Fold on! Don't kill him until I get in a few licks!” he cried, and going for the unfor- tunate editor with a stout horsewhip, he made him dance around the sanctum like a pea on a hot griddle, despite his yells of mur: der and calls for help. Four or five other injured ones also came in and wrangled for a chance to get at him, They all appeared to be jealous for fear the others would kill him before they each got per- sonal satisfaction. ‘They called him several real naughty names, and made it lively for him in every way that lay in their power. They jammed his ears full of the contents of his paste-pot ; they poured ink pr his shirt bosom and down his back. In- | deed, he never dreamed that anything could he made so very personal as they were making it for him. Jentlemen, I—I—don't—please Tl retract,” he moaned. “Tf you don't, and at the same time ac- knowledge yourself to be an ass and a slan- | derer, 1 will have you arrested for libel,” the enraged deacon. “And so will don’t ; the others said in turn. jail. | dently THE JUDGE. “1-1 will, “See to it. But on the stairs les he murmured sad] And they took their leave. ling to the editorial | rooms of the Herald they met several other ictims of Pigion’s personal jou nt. “We have laid him out,” said Jones to them, “Nothing left 7" they asked sadly. “Nothing, unless you wish to befoul your hands with the indignities we have heaped upon him.” | ‘Taking his word for it they left, but half'an | hour afterwards a constable entered Pigion’s netum with a warrant for his arrest. Aid took him in, In fact, his next paper was humbly edited from a cell in the county But, true to his word, he took it all back and apologized for what he had done. Reflection convinced him that, however well “ personal journalism” might do in the city, it made it altogether too lively for the contin- ued success of a country paper. Pigion is out on bail. A youne lady took off her back hair and placed it ona lounge. Her brother William came in, and sat upon the capillary attra tion, but he got right up again, as ifhe sud. remembered that he had forgotten something down-town, A r-pin contested the seat, and he attributes his injury to a “ misplaced switch.” n ‘Towa hen has laid This sort A News item sa, egg with an inscription on it.” ng is becoming altogether too common to deserve notice. Let some enterprising ken break the monotony by laying an inscription with an egg on i “That miserable and insignificant nonentity, the bric is, of course, of no account during the mony.” Perhaps not; but we don't how a marriage ceremony can be called an overwhelming success without him. In a \jority of cases, he is not considered of no account until a few years after the cere- mony has been performed. When it gets to be fashionable to have marriages without a bridegroom, young men who want wives might as well climb a tree and e the world. ye: “groom, ore great ma A BALD-HEADED man who purchased a front seat for a show of the Black Crook brand, ex- plained that he could not hear very well. A few nights later he was scen at a lecture, si ting on a seat furthest from the stage or course, he might have fully recovered his hearing in three days, but such apparent incongruities are apt to occasion remark. A straNce thing happened in Philadelphia the other d A young girl's hand was sought in marriage both by a foreign count and an industrious butcher. To the surprise of her lady friends, she accepted the butcher. Very few girls would have displayed so much good ense in choosing a husband. Tue warm, sunshiny days of May have clothed the trees in living green, driven the organgrinder from his winter lair, filled the air with the fragrance of heliotrope and lilac, and ripened stone-bruises. Ric on the heels of the news from the ill- fated Jeannette and her crew, a member of Congress introduces a bill asking an appropri- ation to fit out another Arctic expedition. Unless he can successfully plead temporary in- sanity, he should be clothed in a linen duster, nankeen knee-breeches, and a straw hat, and | set adrift in the Arctic Ocean on a seventecn- ton iceberg, his provisions consisting solely of — | ice-water and frozen custard, with ice-cream for a dessert, Turk Second Advet in the “time of trouble, and will extend to the year But it is not safe to place any confidence in the asser- | tions of Second Adventists. Th e wrong | this time, as usual. For instance: Mr. Tilden s the “time of trouble” began in 1876, — | and will not end until his death; but whether the latter period will occur in 1915 or 2015 no man knoweth—though the probabilities are that it will. ythatweare now — | which begun in 1878, | NEWSPAPER man recently called at the house of ex-Seeretary Kirkwood, near Iowa | City, and found Mrs. Kirkwood at the iron- board, We suspect that when the jour- nalist went home he told his wife that, in or- der to preserve the dignity of her husband's profession, she must immediately cut the ac- quaintance of the ex-Sceretary’s wife; that the wife of a newspaper man should be above ociating with a woman who does her own ironin Tu the m arum ofthe Thessalian witches brought n down from the sky; the drum of the sorcerers of Lapland summoned the soul out of the body, and the drum of the American provokes profanity, helps fill our insane asy- luins, and sometimes impels the listener to free the soul from the body of the drummer, Soper.y told his daughter the other he would disinherit her if she didn’t uring her beauty by banging her . Next morning his only son went out, got into a fight with two young ruffians, and in about five minutes old Soberly’s heir peared banged. A father should. pr: what he pi aM Mr. rt Of for Coney Idan. First trip of the senso. comicbooks.com