Judge — April 29, 1882 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS. Deacos—( Whispering). —We when laboring under a great stress of ex- citement. Twas. We were finally settled in our new home. What is home-settling without a mother-in- law? My mother-in-law helped us to Je, and she also quite settled me. Of course, I told that threadbare story about the stick kindling-wood flying up and hitting me in the eye, when my friends interested themsel about the chromo about my injured optic organ, That mother-in-law of mine is a per- feet jewel of the species. She looms up great when the occasion presents itself, and if no oceasion is presented, she never hesitates to present one upon her own responsibility. She thinks so much of me that she always takes her Sunday dinner at my home. It may seem strange, but I never enjoy a Sund dinner unless [am away from home. My amiable spouse had rented a fl neighbors up-stairs are all musi members of the orchestra at one of the le ing theaters. ‘They practice out of business hou: enjoy that, for those hours are also my business hours. Our neighbors dow don't really know what they are. 't take mutilated coin, and this is a trade dollar with a hote of Tawake at midnight, and I hear a voice Make your game, gentlemen.” Tawake at two A.M. and I hear the pop- ping of beer-bottles. I go down-stairs ear! in the morning, and before my down-stairs bors have cleaned up, and I smell stale car stumps and beer slops. I much mistrust they have not been holding a Bible class down there, Imire children, but my neighbor on the ght has eleven, and none are cripples and bed-ridden, My wife quarreled with the female across the court. Our clothesline is attached to that female's window-sill. That female threw dirty water out, and my collars and shirts were next to her window, I'll move again, and then I won't ever move any more. H. 8. KELLER, nco-American contemps Courier des Etats-Unis, appear tress of mind over the propo: temperance legislation. Its fears are umnee- ry, because groundless, When any Amer- ican Congress votes to do away with liquor, there will be nobody left on this continent to drink it—be sure of that! | yet this insatiate M.P. does not Sir Witrrep Lawsoy, M.P., calls atten- tion to the fact that the newspapers of the English liquor dealers have bestowed upon him the following titles: ‘* That Old Cracked ‘Tea-pot, the Watory Jester, a Demented Creat- ure, that Washed-out Water Party, the Driv- cling Idiot, the Brainless Fanatic, the Contis. catory Molly Coddle, the Empty-headed Noodle, the Peregrinating Pump Handle, the ‘Teadrinking Twaddler, the Pop-bottle Pump Orator, the Permissive Platitudinist, the Peri- patetic Agitator, the Utopian Dreamer, the Maudlin Mountebank, the Crooning Clown, that Fool of Fools, the Wailing Cant, the Ar- rant Humbug, the Apostle of Slops.” And ppear to be at all satisfied wi y of honors thus conferred! ines the English language really capable ¢ Ir Jumbo had only known that his new owner was a tectotaler, it is extremely doubt- ful whether he would have consented to come to indeed a Chili day when James G. | Blaine got lef\—but then there is no account. ing for the weather, you know, AMENITIES of the season: Influenzical gen- tleman to caller—“* kind of you todropin. Can Toller mething—a basin of gruel, ora gl Don't say no!” ous ss of cough mixture? A CORRESPONDENT wants to know why it is ‘amuel J. Tilden is called ‘the § , We don’t know, except it be from the fact that Charles a happens to consider him ‘just the che FAMILIAR HYMN, (sti Whey Shipherd on Peru began sta wishful eye, ned two serving men, And both of them were (icase omit the conclading stanzas for the present.] ‘TALMAGE is reported as saying he could tell a humbug at first glance. When that gentle- man is shaving, this reflection must flash upon him almost in the light of a personal matter, AN embarrassed financier calls his bills of exchange “boomerangs” because when he sends them out in any direction they are sure to come back to him, protested. ‘Tne Berliners are turning up their noses atthe appointment of Sargent as minister. Well, really, this is characteristic! And who would they have, pray—a full major-general? Or would they prefer a field marshal? Perhaps Bismarck had better take the matter in hand and appoint one himself. Ir is said that Mr. John M. Francis, of the Troy Times, is willing to leave his country for his country’s good, providing he can get a foreign appointment thrown in as inducement. Disinterested patriotism of this sort merits recognition. We hope he may get it. comicbooks.com