Judge — April 22, 1882 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. A BiocraPuicaL sketch in a journal is headed ‘‘ How § Started.” We have not re way: “Chapter I. sultry day was drawing to a close, and the sun's expiring rays cast long and ghostly In the year 1615, a3 a shadows from the massive castle on the lofty eminence beyond the Black Forest, a youth- fale horseman of princely mien and manly bearing, clothed in burnished armor, rode leisurely down the highway until he reached the edge of the wood, where he was confront- ed by two men of powerful build and sinister expression. eath! what means this,’ exclaimed the youth, as he reined in his steed with an iron band, and quickly drew his trusty blade of Damascus steel. * Whence comest thou?’ ne demanded. The elder of thestrangers boldly advanced and said, * * * * * To be continued in our next. And we remember also how Sylvanus finished. In the days agone our perception was less keen, and we couldn't sce through Mr. Cobb's wonderfully constructed plots further thin one chapter; and just about the time it seemed as if no power on earth could prevent the heroine, the beantiful Indy Her- moine, from marrying her villainous uncle, or a bald-headed pirate, or her grandfather, or some other person for whom she did not yearn with exceeding yearnfulness, her lover, who had been fatally killed four times in three weeks, would put in an unexpected appear: ance, accompanied by an old magician; and her grandfather would turn out to be her lover’s uncle; and her poor lover, the wood- chopper’s son, would be transformed into an 18-carat prince, and the magician, who had protected the lovers all these years, would throw off his stage whiskers and illustrated gown and stand revealed as the heroine's genuine father who was murdered nearly a score of years before; and the cruel-hearted old fraud who had called her his daughter for years would pan out the robber chief of the Black Forest, who had stolen the Lady Her- moine in her infancy, when he supposed he had killed her father; and the persecuting lover would show up as a son of the robber chief, and then everything would get nicels sentangled, and there would be a wedding after all, and—and—‘ Te Ep.” Ose night, recently, a Pennsylvania literary society debated the question: ‘Resolved, That the spirit of the press is demoralizing to the rising generation,” and decided it in the affirmative. At first it was supposed that the spirit of the cider press was meant; but when it was ascertained that some of the debate on the affirmative side of the question stopped | at a beer saloon on their way home and played pool for drinks, it was known right away that it was the newspaper press that is demoraliz- | ing to the rising generation. Anthony Com. stock should suppress it. ‘Tue English languag upposed to consist of about sixty thousand distinct words. Of these ordinary persons use only from five hun- dred to three thousand; but when a man steps on a piece of soap at the head of the stairs during house-cleaning time, and touches only two steps in his reckless flight to the bottom, | no matter how “ordinary” he may be, he feels that more than sixty thousand distinct words are necessary to do the oceasion justice, and if he is at all enterprising, he will invent | ‘a few new and emphatic ones expressly for one day only. It is said that ma ny ladies play the piano without understanding a bar of music, And we believe it. Scores of young ladies play a bar of music who don’t understand either the bar or the piano. It should be said in extenu- ation of their crime, however, that they have only been practicing five yea: ‘Tne circus season is a month old, and Bar- num’s gorilla has not yet struck for higher wages, He either doesn't take much interest in the labor question, or Barnum will not per- mit him to read the daily papers. Perhaps | the showman has threatened to send him back to hod-carrying in the event of a strike. A wniTer has discovered that it is to wine drinking that we owe the origin of the kiss. After Macenas caught his wife sucking his | choicest wines through the bung-hole of the | barrel with a straw, it became the custom in Rome for husbands to kiss,the lips of their wives that they might discover the quality of their stolen libations. The story is well con- ceived, but it is a trifle diaphanous. The | kiss is older than wine. The truth is, what old Maecenas did when he discovered that his wife had been surreptitiously absorbing his finest liquors was to choke her until her eye. balls protruded, and tell her that “if she didu't let that wine alone he would knock her head off her shoulders. " WW, Drunkard Jumbo. Mr. Barnum has long been known as a temperance advocate; he has also been in the show business somewhat. The shows he has given us have been truly good, but the ex- ample he has been setting by bringing that mountain of flesh, Jumbo, over to this country, with all his English habits full upon him, is just a trifle more than we expected from so renowned an apostle of temperance. It appears that Jumbo is ‘one of the boys,” and takes his whisky straight, a bottle full at a time, just as oNenashe can get it. Indeed, he is not particular what sort of liquor it is, | so long as it is “sarching,” for he will swallow a gallon of champagne or a keg of | pr with the gusto of an old “hoister.” He appears to have formed the habit of drinking intoxicating liquors while in the ‘ Zoo,” and from associating too much with the aris- tocracy of England. Mr. Barnum must have known this before he purchased him, and so what must we think of him when he escorts the animal up Broadway at night, full as a goat, and whooping like a Fourth Warder, and only prevented from smashing things on account of his being confined in a huge Black Maria fo say nothing of importing a drunkard, when, Heaven knows, we had enough on hand already, why should Mr, Barnum be so foolish, not to criminal, as to introduce an clepbant of such notorious bad character into his elephant family, each member of which bears a good character? Why, he may demoralize the whole herd, and some night they may all start out on a Jumboree, and make it execedingly lively for the inhabitants of any town or city in which they happened to be. But perhaps, after all, Mr. Barnum has only introduced himas a “ frightful example,” aud that one of his principal objects in bring- ing him over here was to take him in hand, lecture him on temperance, and finally bring him out as a reformed elephant, and a big specimen of what temperance is capable of doing. We trust this may be true, but in the meantime would warn him not to allow Jumbo to have as much as a whole bottle full of some of the brands of whisky sold in this city, or he will have a dead clephant on hand very skortly. say SENATOR Lariam has spoken at last! And the substance of his remarks, as near as could be learned, was—" T'lltake a little more sugar in mine, please.” Tue truly good, though somewhat over rampant, mother of the late lamented Jesse James opines that “her dear boy is better off in heaven than here.” Whied is all very like- ly; but the region referred to can hardly be congratulated over the new acquisition, we fear. Ir our magnetic ex-Secretary of State doesn't make the guano fly, when he comes to take the stand in the Shipherd Investigation, then THe Jepce. will confess himself’ no judge of either men or things. Brother Shipherd should lose no time in taking out an accidental insurance policy of the very largest dimen- sions his $900,000,000 pile can afford. A Goon time to offer your hand to a lady: When she is getting out of the omnibus. Tue Order of the Fleece appears to have es- tablished its headquarters in Wall strect. “Tese facts are true,” earnestly remarks the Commercial Advertiser, in one of its most impressive editorial utterances. You don't tellus! Are we to infer therefrom that our esteemed contemporary keeps a supply of false “facts” on hand, also? And if so, might we inquire the difference in quality and price? comicbooks.com