Judge — April 8, 1882 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

| THE * Hallo, Bilt, what hare yer got there?” may ‘knit up the raveled sleeve of but it won't darn the torn stocking of poverty worth a cent. care, A HALP-COLUMY editorial ina New Jersey paper is headed “ Wonders Never C It does startle some editors most alarmingly wheu a subscriber comes in and pays up two ears’ back subscription; though in this stance the editor's wife may have informed him that she didn't want a new bonnet this spring. ase.” Just after a burglar, in Chicago, had been entenced to fourteen years’ imprisonment, a sympathetic widow waltzed up to him and gave him an explosive kiss, declaring that she would marry him atthe end of histerm. Here the thrilling newspaper narrative ends, but it has since been learned, from private channel that the burglar, with a terrified glare at th widow, abruptly turned to the judge, and in voice quivering with fear, emotion, and thin asked the court if it wouldn't do him the kind- ness to change the sentence to imprisonment for life. Ir the proprietor of Gramercy Park were to lose his hair, the humorous paragraphist would be apt to ask: “What is the ditference be- tween the New York Tribune office and Uncle Ans.—One is a tall buildin’, and the other is a bald Tilden.” And yet we won- der at crime! nmy ? Kate Frew, in dise breeches hobb ursing on her knee- ‘On top of sixty cent- says: POOR MESSE: an old woman's infirmary to take out airin’, an’ this ts one ont of uries trousers like scum have risen to the sur- face within the last fifty years.” ‘That's scun ing it pretty strong, Kate. The only time w ever saw a pair of trousers rise to the surface like scum was on a lovely afternoon in the merry June time, when a young man in love and light clothes attempted to capture a pond lily for his girl and lost bis equilibrium, ‘There was a splash and a scream, and when the ar- dent youth emerged from the pond it was im- possible to tell which was trousers and which um. was Wuey a nice young man asked the bright daughter of an undertaker her father’s pro- fession, she promptly replied: “He's planter.” She couldn't tell a lie about a little thing like that, “A cHILp with two fect on the top of its head was recently born at Elkhart, Ind.” It is probable the episode occurred during spring house-cleaning time, when it is impossible to prevent things from getting turned upside down, A FOREIGNER has invented a new violin with metal strings which pass around the drum of the instrument, and give quadruple the volume of an ordinary fiddle. And yet some minis ters have the effrontery to stand up in the pulpit and declare that the world is growin better; and Bob Ingersoll says there is no her: ! A young man learning to play lin making four times as much noise as the old style—and no hereafter! It wouldn't be two weeks before indignant neighbors of the Ingersoll faith would petition Congress to ap- iz ona propriate six millions of dollars for the pur- pose of providing a hereafter for just such violent cases. Pror. TYNDALL says that if every potato in the world but one were destroyed, that je potato would be worth more than the entire city of New York. Very few of us would object to having the experiment tried, provided we owned the single potato. Did it ever occur to Mr. Tyndall that if every pet son in the world but one man were destroyed, that solitary individual would be richer than Vanderbilt and Gould rolled into one? And yet he would have to sew on his own trouser buttons and cook his own dinners. Another striking illustration of the proverb, ‘There no rose without a thorn.” Aw Indiana clergyman delivers his sermons in rhyme. His congregation prefer them that way. They sleep much sounder, and Ie the church much more refreshed than after listening to a prose-y discourse, ve “ Apter the Sunday dinner, what?” asks a religious weekly. Well, it depends upon whether a man owns one of these double- jointed, back-action, telescopic canes which, we've beer: told, can be elongated twelve feet, as if by magic, and are used by men when walking along the river to protect themselves against ferocious fish which t out of the water and attempt to bite them. A man armed with one of these weapons is brave enough to venture near the river on Sunday afternoons, for the benefit of his health and to admire the beauties of nature. It is a rash and impudent man who wanders by the river side on aSabbath afternoon without carrying one of these canes to beat off s fish. Ir is a painful fact that some of the papers that draped their columns in the heaviest mourning when Garfield died, are now fore- most in the work of exhuming by-gones in order to blacken his memory. A Yonk dealer offers to supply circus agents, hotel clerks and minstrel end men with “diamonds” at from seventy-five cents to one dollar each. The report early in the ason that everything would be cheap this year appears to have been an error. Until diamonds are s at the five cent stores, some of us will have to worry along without them. Ir will cheer every loyal and patriot heart to learn from a Western paper that “ovr country has a bright future before it.”| When things get so that our country will have a bright future behind it, it will be time to feel alarmed for our subsequentness, and to look to the past for the good things of the future. Ir is said that a Massachusetts base ball club “has trouble in securing 4 first-class pitcher for next season.” We little dream of the trials and tribulations experienced in places where all is supposed to be peace and happi- ness. No wonder Massachusetts’ govornor ordered a day of fasting and prayer. J. We | -_ <=} —! comicbooks.com