Judge — April 8, 1882 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE SUPREME MOMENT IN THE LIFE OF STUBBS, THE DRY-GOODS CLERK. “Say, Carrots, there goes one of them actors what plays in the thee-ater” A Virtuous Applicant. A prienp of THe Jupcr relates the follow- ing, and vouches for its being a true story: An athletic Irishman was anxious to get upon the police force of this city, but not be- ing able toread and write, the prospect seemed. to be that a more liberally educated rival, who was also an applicant for the position, would carry the day, and he be left out in the cold. Ilis friends came to his assistance, and one of them, by dint of a deal of persevet labor, taught him to write his own name a fashion, although he could go no further. But as he would undoubtedly pass muster in every other way, and be required only to sign name, they concluded to push his claims. On the examination day his rival for the ap- pointment was onhand. Being a finely built man, and highly recommended, all went well until the chief asked him if he could read and write. “Tecan, yer honor,” said he, promptly. “Be good enough to write your then,” name Paddy took up the pen, and slowly wrote his name tolerably well, after which he pushed the book before the chief. “Ax him to write some other man’s name?” suggested the rival, who was closely watchin matters. “Yes, write some other man’s name,” said the examiner, handing the book back to the nonplused would-be policeman, Paddy glared at his rival an instant, and then turning to the chief, said, halfreproach- | ly — “Wud ye have me commit forgery, yer hon- or, an’ me on ther pertice?” The man is on the force to-day, but he has never been known to write name. another man’s | Where He Had Him. oT many years ago, in this city, there were two riv the Board of Aldermen, both Irish and both quick-witted, and each went for the other on the slightest provoca tion. | Alderman Wheelan could read and write, | is opponent could not, although there but could be no doubt but that he had osculated the political blarney-stone quite early in life. On one occasion Alderman Wheelan offered | a resolution touching the cleaning of the streets, which every member of the board, save his rival, recognized as a good one ; but | no sooner had he taken his seat than Mr. Rival leaped to his feet. “Mr. Chairman: I offer an amendment, that a committee of three be appointed by the chair, to go through the streets of the city, and report their personal observations upon their condition.” Mr. Wheelan was instantly upon his taps again. “Mr. Chairman: I believe that all parlia- mentary usages require that an amendment offered to a resolution before a legislative body shall be reduced to writing.” “Mr. Wheelan is correct ; an amendment | of this nature must be reduced to writing,” | said the Chairman. | thanks; With ple: able triumph beaming from his face, Alderman Wheelan turned upon his adversary: “Now I have ye, ye blackgnard! now [have ye! Put it in writin’! put it to the board in writin’!” he vociferated. The laugh which followed choked off the annoying rival completely, and the resolution was passed with but one dissenting voice. A BILL is before pel Cong Pongress calculated to com- essinen to specify the articles they buy and have charged to the “contingent fund.” A spade must be called a spade, it seems, after this, and these poor, overworked ave to pay cash out of the own pockets for their whisky, Bibles, cologne cards, cribb: and other ni of life that are now charged to stat ‘Too bad, too bad! men will now 1 e-board ssaries nery. ‘Tus year appears to have entirely the best of Vennor. At all events it is either ahead of him, or he has ms ke, and has been working upon 1883 instead of the present year. Why is Oscar Wilde like the obelisk? Because he is peeuliarly narrow at the crown, Wnhry is a balky horse like a bored doll: Because it won't go. “Cramer of Horrors’ (and about it): Th no mistake National Academy of Desig: Ovrt-poor exercise always in se York, at least): House-hunting. n (in New Two styles of consolation: A man’: what I expected.” A. woman's— you how it would be at dinner: Shall I give Tue ruling passion strong Young doctor to lady you a cut of the dorsal muscle, or would you prefer a slice of pss Lady guest—‘ N I don't think Iltake any. I'm not at all hung It seems hardly within: the bounds of prot bility that the Washington monument will ever come to be considered as a finished work of art. Iris said to bea signof rain when a dog cats grass, In order to test the truth of the statement, carry some grass about with you, and offer it to any dog you meet. If he eats it with appetite, there will be niuch rain, of If he only nibbles at it, it will per- haps be showery, only. If he refuses it e- tirely, go at once and “hock” your um! at your uncle's accommodation office. course. A Five Froyt.—The clothing dealers along Broadway are making some very fine displays of late, but the London and Liverpool Clothin; Company, corner Grand and Broadway, un- doudtedly eclipse all others, making it well worth a visit, just for the sake of seeing what on in the clothing world. | —] comicbo: oks.com