Judge — April 8, 1882 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

OUR COMING CUPIDS. Not after Raphael, but mouey OUR POPULAR FARCES. OUR EXCISE BOARD. REPORTED BY “ED.” IN TWO AC CHARACTERS: ComMISSIONERS START, FRiepcLaM, ana Kitcuett, INsrector Upricht, ALDERMAN MALONEY, CaRL PRETZEL, INSPECTOR S! Act First. ENE.—Room of Excise Board, Commissioner Start.—Vos Insbector Up- right her Inspector Upright.—Yes, sir. Commissioner Start,—Vos Alderman Malo- ney bresent ? Alderman Maloney.—1 war, sir. sioner Start.—Alderman, you have applied for a license, I believe, for a saloon? Alderman Matoney.—Roight ye are. I day- sire to start a saloon in the v for it wur a public naycessity, 1 six saloons upon the block where I daysire to open, and a sivinth wan is needed. Inspector Upright.—But have not you ted it already? Has not your gin-mill been in operation for fully two years without alicense? Hus not Commissioner Start. endt, Sbeak vhen you vo Commissioner Kitchell. k, hasn't he? What have you got to say about the alderman’s gin-will ? Alilerman Matoney.—Beg yez pardon, but Ido not rua a gin-mill, It is a wine palace. Commissioner Kitchell,—Excuse me. In- spector, wiat have you got to say against granting a license to the alderman’s place? Inspector Upright.—First, it is a resort for disreputable characters. Alderman Malone: him! Me saloon is a New York city. Comm Dot vill do, sboken to. to spe Hivens, wud ye hear raysort for the elite av Do ye call sich jintlemen as mein | He's got a right | THE JUDGE. | Wooden-eyed O'Riley, who defeated Brocky | Inspector Snide,—I do. | faced Bob in five rounds; dintleman Joe, the bank-robbers; Glass-toothed Tommy, apes the opium den, and Onelegeed Moriarity, the celebrated counterfeiter, utable characters? Commissioner Start.—I vos know dem all. Commissioner Friedclam. Phe: cireumstances of your complaint. ase state the Inspector Snide.—1 passed by his saloon last Sunday night. I noticed the side open, I went in, Mr. Pretzel stood be hind the bar in the act of filling a flask full brandy for a little girl. | lating the law by selling liquor upon Sunday, but by selling it to minors. Commissioner Freedclam.—Iudec grave offense, Mr. Pretzel. to say for yourself? Carl Pretzel.—I keep my saloon closed | up on Sundays, alv 1 will candidly I doit because it is no trade Sundays. nding out lisrep w ot ‘at else Vos you got to say Not only was he vio: Inspector Upright. He has not got three beds upon his premises. Alderman Maloney. nwer-bed inspector? I have. There in the back-yard, a thrundle 1 a bed-stead in the cellar, that isn’t three beds, I do not know calla trio. nd, bedad, T have tions for four more guests in the refrigerator. , a very What have you upstairs, aw what ye | ommoda: io lown-town and Last Sunday I ide of my saloon when th inspector speaks favor if 1 wouldn't er mother was sick stimulants. Like a fool I agreed, opened the store, fe: there is was sta girl of whom th along and asked in Commissioner Start,—You vos close Sun- days ? Alderman Mal The front is bolted and the blinds always pulled down of a Sunday. Inspector Upright.—But is not your side Didn't Tea last Sunday? aunt, and ifn NeY.—AV COL ame As give her some brandy, Avised and the physician had tiro’cutonier was just filling the bottle which she had, w or came in, 1 told him of the facts ‘ase then, just as T state them now. I not I, i Inspector Commissioner Alderman may have. 1 ape a restau I liquids wid their to serve them. Inspector Upright.—It is the first. time knew you kept a restaurant. Alderman Maloney.—Ye should have luked at me If the finest crackers cheese the to spake ay pickles and red herrings, do not con- stitute’a restaurant, I do not know what doe: [Cosmmisstoners Start, FriepeLa and Kitcu- ELL consult. gu als, Ihave a perfect roight # requoire (reluctantly). Friedclam,—We inust confer with my col Ha! 1 (Aside fellow Commissioners.) What do you think of it? soideboar a bowl av and in land, not Commissioner Start (whispers). —Who vos | dis Pretzel ? Commissioner Frieden Keeps a saloon in New Kitchell (whispers). — wery. Commissioner saloon ? Commissioner Small affair. Commissioner Kitchell (twhispers).—Is he well fixed ? Commissioner Friedctam (whispers).—Poor asa rat. Commissioner Start (whispers), | litical pull? Commissioner Frie (chispers).—Big Commissioner Start.—Alderman, we have decided to grant you a license. The inspect- or’s allegation vos abbear to be unfounded (significantly), und, by der vay, I vill see you in der future, (ALDERMAN MALONEY Lois and exits, passes INsvector Upricut, Alderman Maloney (winking).—It would have been better for ye, me bye, iftye had tuk the tenner I offered y fe square things. th Friedclem — (whispers).— He Any by Tam sorry ye did not, Any it will cost me twenty toimes the tenner to , in New York it is rules the board! Exit ALDERMAN, | Commissioner Start.—Inspector, 1 youll gif you a biece auf Inspector Upright.—What, sir? Must use dis- Disgretion vos a*gread ting for young man to gultivate who vants to make his y py der world. ‘The alderman carries the | Sixth Ward in Lis pocket. Put down in your It Commissioner Start frendts? Commissioner of any account. Commissioner (chispers). pers). Recolle Kitehell (awitispers).—None woodle wh Start (whispers).—Den we | vos. petter We | vos got to make an oxample auf some on | The papers vos kicking at us for doing nod. dings, und we vos got to bertoi tos dot license. make an oxample auf him vie Commissioner Start,— n somedings | sretion ary. Revoke ow dot we vos Vorth our s Commissioner Fricdclam (whispers). what I wasthinking. (Aloud. after due consideration, the Board agrees that we must take away your license. Sorry, but we must act up to the standard required of us | by the public. | [PRevaen retires crushed. Comaisstonens put on their hats and leave, COMMISSION Stant pauses for a second at Clerk's desk. Commissioner Start.—Py der vay, Tony, make out a license for Owney Geoghegan’s and Billy McGlory’s, will you? I vos nearly for- got apout it. Dey saw the Board yesterday. (Exit alt. Mr. Pretze head a maxim dot vill be 01 use to you. vasn't always best to be too fresh! Act Srcoyp. Same scene. Commissioner Friedclam.—Carl here? Carl Pretzel. — Commissioner Snide? Inspector Snide. --Here. Commissioner Friedclam.—1 understand that you charge this man with selling spiritu- ons liquor upon Sunday ? Pretzel Friedclam.—Inspector | (curtaly.] comicbooks.com